


All I have to give

by Cold_Breeze



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Roller Coaster, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Getting to Know Each Other, It's a little dark, M/M, Mentions of Death, Neighbors, Romance, Sexual Content, Slice of Life, Strangers to Lovers, Weed, smoking and drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 56,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27193864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Breeze/pseuds/Cold_Breeze
Summary: Chae Hyungwon is 21 years old. He is enigmatic, a little cold, and pragmatic. He doesn't nurse unattainable dreams and overall he just wants to live a peaceful life.Lee Minhyuk, on the other hand, appears to be cheerful, somehow clingy, and ambitious.They are complete opposites, however, through a fateful encounter they become neighbors, friends, and more.ORHyungwon's fresh start on campus isn't as quiet as he imagined it to be. Quite the contrary, the first night he moves into the new apartment he is awoken by his neighbor having sex.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, HyungHyuk
Comments: 97
Kudos: 163





	1. Everybody lies

**Author's Note:**

> I prefer to write about Hyungkyun/Hyungwonho but the idea was planted within my mind and…other ships wouldn’t fit as good as Hyunghyuk. 
> 
> I am a little nervous because this is new to me but at the same time, I am excited.
> 
> I hope you will enjoy it.

**First of October, 1:14 AM**

Hyungwon gasped as he was awoken from yet another nightmare. He was trembling all over. He blinked a couple of times and let his eyes adjust. It was still dark. He ran a hand over his damp forehead. It was at this moment that he started to hear vague sounds. 

Dubious, he sat up and let his eyes run vacantly around an unfamiliar room. There were two rows of boxes on the floor, covered pictures were lined against the wall. 

He finally remembered where he was. He moved to campus less than 24 hours ago. It was his newly rented one-bedroom apartment. 

_“Yes, just like that. Yes.”_

Hyungwon rubbed his eyes. “Fuck.” He mumbled to himself while crawling out of bed and tottering barefoot straight into the kitchen. 

_“Right there. Harder.”_

Hyungwon grabbed a can of coke from his fridge.

_“Yes, baby.”_

Next, he padded to the hall to find a pack of cigarettes in a left pocket of his coat.

_“Faster.”_

Hyungwon slowly walked through the hall, bedroom, and straight to the balcony.

He didn’t get another wink of sleep that night.

* * *

**Third of October, 5:47 PM**

“We should go to a bar to celebrate.” 

Hyungwon wasn’t surprised by the suggestion. Changkyun would always find an excuse for a celebration. It didn’t matter how small or trivial they were.

“Monday hangover combined with Monday blues on top of a full day of classes?" Hyungwon was bobbing the foot of his crossed leg up and down. "I'll pass."

“Come on, I am not talking about getting wasted. Just a couple of beers.” Changkyun was sitting on an ottoman. 

He was a year younger. He was well built, dark-haired, and dark-eyed. 

Changkyun was someone who looked unapproachable and unattainable. And they would be partially correct. Partially. Because behind a tough like a rock exterior, there was a little lonely but precious soul. 

His bluntness was his way of caring and whenever Changkyun refused to listen to Hyungwon it wasn’t because he didn’t care. It was because he cared too much. Because he didn’t know how to help so he refused to listen.

The younger bared his wrist. “We can hit a happy hour if you can be ready in half an hour. I know this one bar 20 minutes on foot. You will love it.”

Hyungwon pretended to give it a thought. “How about tomorrow after my classes?”

The younger sighed. “Fine. I will stay in to have dinner with you then.”

“Are you going to cook?” Hyungwon quirked one of his eyebrows.

“Why not?” Changkyun stood up and readjusted his skinny jeans.

“Well – “ Hyungwon scratched his temple. “First of all, my fridge is empty except for side dishes and then – “ He slightly bit his lower lip. “You are not a great cook.”

“Neither are you.” Changkyun said, offended. 

“I know and that’s why I suggest ordering a takeout.”

“But – “ 

“I am not going to clean the kitchen after you turn it into a battlefield.”

Changkyun rolled his eyes to the back of his head. “You are paying then.” He fell back to the ottoman again.

“Deal.” Hyungwon fished his phone out of his right pocket.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?” Changkyun took another slice of pizza from the box.

“Do you hear your neighbors having sex?” Hyungwon asked after taking a bite.

“Nah, not really.”

The older nodded.

“Why?”

“I am not sure if my neighbor’s girlfriend is a loud bitch or it’s just the walls.” He said blankly.

“Both of my neighbors are nerds. I haven’t seen neither of them with a chick before so – “ 

Hyungwon chuckled. “I suppose they are the ones who eavesdrop on you then.” 

Changkyun didn’t know if Hyungwon wanted him to elaborate. Or if he wanted to elaborate. So he just shrugged.

* * *

**Fourth of October, 8:23 AM**

Half asleep, Hyungwon gets out of his apartment only to meet a guy next door doing the same.

“Hey.” The other locks the door and pockets his keys.

“So you are the new neighbor.” He closes the distance between the two of them. “My name is Minhyuk.” He extends his right hand in Hyungwon’s direction.

Hyungwon's gaze first falls towards the other's hand. He twists the key and takes it out of the lock. He shakes his hand and only after that he looks at the stranger who is now known as Minhyuk straight in the eye.

“Hyungwon.” He says in the most monotone way. “Sorry I didn’t stop by to say hello.” He breaks the handshake and heads towards the elevator. 

“It’s fine.” The other guy follows closely behind.

“My mother gave me a bunch of side dishes. I can share.” Hyungwon says with a brief sideways glance. 

“Are you not a local?” Hyungwon senses sheer surprise in the tone of the other guy.

“No. I am from Gwangju.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah.” 

Both of them step into an elevator and Hyungwon presses ‘0’.

“I can never say no to food so if it’s okay we can have dinner sometime this week.” 

“Sure.”

“So, how old are you?” 

Hyungwon feels the other’s presence even closer.

He slightly turns his head and his newly obtained neighbor is within his comfort zone. He is way too close.

“I am twenty-one, you?”

Minhyuk mischievously grins. “I am twenty-two, you can call me Hyung.”

Hyungwon visibly grimaces. “Let’s not.”

“Come on. You are the third year while I am fourth. I am qualified to be your Hyung.”

“Wrong.” 

The elevator makes a _ding_ sound and shortly after the door opens.

“I am a second year.” 

Both of them step out.

“Second? Why? Did you take a year off?”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon opens the front door of the building and both of them step out. 

“I took a year off in order to enlist.”

The other whistles. “Brave.” 

There is a brief pause. 

“I suppose I should be the one calling you Hyung then.”

Hyungwon looks at the other. Minhyuk's reddish hair is all over the place due to an abrupt gust of wind. 

“I am not into role-playing.” Hyungwon's voice is unemotional. His eyes, however, slightly widen at the reaction. 

Minhyuk shows a toothy and broad smile. It's so bright that it almost makes Hyungwon mirror it. Almost. 

Because the next moment the older locks eyes on Hyungwon. And Hyungwon sees. He sees that the soft yet seductive smile doesn't quite reach his dark eyes.

They are glinting but there is no spark. Hyungwon decides they are lit with sadness. 

And Hyungwon for sure doesn't understand why he forces this pretentious expression while pushing Hyungwon slightly into his right shoulder and straight-up obnoxiously laughing and yelling 'Dude-e-e.'

"Are you - ?" Hyungwon blinks and seems on the verge of saying something. Albeit, he chooses to keep his mouth shut. 

Instead, he fishes for something out of his pocket and flicks a cigarette out of the pack. 

_Everybody has skeletons in their closets._


	2. Tequila night

**Seventh of October, 11:14 PM**

Hyungwon was standing in the middle of his bedroom, sipping on a red bull. He was slightly jumpy due to all of the nicotine and caffeine that was rushing through his veins. 

He managed to sort most of his boxes in the past few days. However, he couldn’t say the same about his pictures. He had a lot of them. Around 15 in total. It might not sound like a lot but it was. 

Hyungwon blankly stared at the pictures that were lying around the floor. They were mostly framed pictures of family and friends – their first family trip abroad, a picture of him and his best friends from middle school, a captured memory of Hyungwon and Changkyun getting drunk for the first time, a marvelous picture of mountains Kihyun took when both of them went climbing, more stupid shots. More of Hyungwon, Hyunwoo and Hoseok being drunk on a couch and there were two more of him and Yujun but Hyungwon didn’t want to think about it.

He took the last gulp of his drink and crushed a can in his left hand. 

He didn’t know why he brought all of the frames here but the walls were lonely and his heart felt weirdly naked without them in his life. 

Hyungwon wasn’t the most logical man. He could call any of his friends or family at any time. Well, almost everyone.

He was done hanging most of the pictures when he heard something, again. He turned his head towards the wall, glaring.

_“Yes.”_

Hyungwon ran a hand over his face.

_“Oh god, yes.”_

There was more moaning and panting.

“This can’t be happening.” Hyungwon heaved a heavy sigh before quickly stuffing his laptop into his backpack, getting his coat out of the closet, and closing the door hurriedly behind.

**Eighth of October, 5:49 PM**

Hyungwon was lying on his bed, looking at his ceiling when there was a knock at his door.

It was his neighbor Minhyuk. He opened the door a little wider and stared at him but didn’t say anything.

Minhyuk looked Hyungwon up and down. He then coughed and fixed his eyes on a spot next to the younger.

“Hey.” He started and began rather mechanically to say “We were talking about having dinner the other day, so uh – “

He swang a paper bag up in the air. “Would you like to eat with me?”

Hyungwon looked at the other with a patient concern. He then looked down. He didn’t have a shirt on. Hyungwon was standing barefoot, wearing only gray sweats, Calvin Klein’s waistband of his boxer briefs was peeking out. 

“Are you being shy?” Hyungwon furrowed while opening the door wider and without any explanations, he disappeared into the flat.

“I -.” Minhyuk hurriedly took his shoes off and followed the taller. “I guess I was just surprised. You have a nicer body than I imagined.” 

At this Hyungwon stopped and looked over his shoulder "Nicer than you imagined?” He quirked his eyebrows. 

Minhyuk snorted. “It’s not what you think. I don’t know anyone who has been to the army yet. You’re ripped even though you are on a skinny side.” 

The older opened his mouth and he looked like he was about to say something but he didn’t. “Don’t listen to me. Let’s just eat.” 

Hyungwon disappeared in the back of the flat only to appear a moment later, putting a plain black t-shirt on in the meantime. 

“Do you like yukhoe?” Minhyuk asked without looking at the younger. He was unloading all of the things he brought. 

“Who doesn’t?” Hyungwon walked to where the other was and looked over his shoulder at the food. 

Minhyuk slightly turned to look at the younger. He involuntarily swallowed. 

“Looks good.” Hyungwon nodded to himself and the next moment he was opening the fridge and taking out plastic containers with kimchi, meat and veggie dumplings, and japchae.”

“Would you like ramyeon or rice?” Hyungwon looked over his shoulder to meet eyes with his neighbor. 

“That’s a lot of food already so – “Minhyuk stabbed one of the dumplings and shoved it inside his mouth. 

“Alright.” Hyungwon said to no one in particular. He grabbed two beers out of the fridge and put one in front of the other, taking a seat behind the table shortly after.

When they had finished eating Hyungwon moved an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes from the furthest part of the table closer. He curled his right leg up on the chair and lighted up a cigarette. 

He smoked one and then another one. He slumped further in his seat. “You are being quiet today.” Hyungwon said at last.

Minhyuk shrugged. He finished his beer and heaved a heavy sigh. “Do you have any plans? Do you want me to show you around?” 

Hyungwon huffed. “I might not be from here but I am not a lost child. I’ve been living in Seoul for long enough.”There was a hint of mirth in his tone.

“Right-t.”

“I am going out with friends later tonight. You can join if you have nothing better to do.” Hyungwon said carelessly. 

Minhyuk looked at the other with a blank, childish expression. Then he smiled. “Really? I would love to.”

Hyungwon’s mouth slightly fell apart. He wasn’t actually thinking the other might agree. “What about your chick? Wouldn’t she feel lonely?”

“What?” Minhyuk blinked. “My chick?”

“Forget about it.” Hyungwon mumbled while pushing the chair and slowly standing up. 

“We need to leave around 9 PM.” He said while looking at the clock that was hanging on the wall behind Minhyuk. 

“I need to take a shower -” He stifled a yawn. “ - but you can stay. I will be quick.”

“Hmm.” Minhyuk said, lingering on 'm' forever.

* * *

Later that night when they went to celebrate in Changkyun's words ‘Beginning of the weekend’ Minhyuk may or may not imbibed more than he could handle.

It all started with beers and ended with tequila shots. Minhyuk was still dancing to nonexistent music when he and Hyungwon were standing in the foyer of their apartment building, waiting for an elevator. 

“Hyungwon, you are so handsome. You know that hmm?” He pinched Hyungwon's cheek while leaning in.

“Yes, Minhyuk. And so you are.” Hyungwon was trying to support the swaying guy. Minhyuk laughed.

“I feel so warm. You are my friend, aren’t you?” He wrapped a hand around Hyungwon and most of Minhyuk's weight was transferred to the other.

The elevator arrived and both of them stepped in.

“We had dinner, how is it possible you are smashed?” Hyungwon muttered to himself while rummaging through the older’s pockets. The first pocket contained only his phone, the second one had his wallet. Hyungwon slightly bent his knees in order to reach one of the back pockets of Minhyuk’s pants.

“Gotcha.” He took the keys out.

“You pervert.” Minhyuk’s face was right in front of Hyungwon’s. The taller could feel his tequila breath.

“What are you - ?” 

At this Minhyuk leans forward to peck Hyungwon’s lips. It wasn’t really a kiss, just a peck, an innocent brushing of their lips.

The moment he pulls away he starts to giggle. “Your lips are so soft.”

“Uh.” Hyungwon says, trying to think fast. In vain. In the end, he briefly closes his eyes and pulls in a deep breath.

“I should have cut you off after your second shot.” Hyungwon tiredly exhales as they walk out of the elevator. 

Hyungwon opens the door and helps the older take his shoes and jacket off. 

He then drags Minhyuk to his bedroom. He manages to help him out of the pants and tuck him in before he starts hearing a soft snore. 

He stares at the other for a long and deliberate moment before quietly closing the door and going back to his own apartment. 

Hyungwon is tired but he can't sleep. His perplexity is growing stronger as he runs his fingers over his lower lip. “What the fuck was that?”


	3. After midnight

**Twenty-second of October, 11:56 PM**

It is exactly two weeks later when Hyungwon gets back home after yet another party he didn’t want to attend. 

Hyungwon enters the dark hall of his apartment. Unsteadily, without turning the lights on he sways straight into his bedroom while loosening his tie.

He languidly falls down while his legs are hanging off the edge of the bed. He can hear speakers thumping from upstairs. The room isn’t spinning but the objects on the walls seem to swell and recede. He dumbly smiles to himself while humming the familiar beat of the song that is now blustering upstairs. 

The song ends and it becomes a little quieter. It was at this moment that he starts hearing something. Thumping. Different sort of thumping.

“Oh no.” Hyungwon closes his eyes for a long moment while rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. 

_“Yes.”_

Hyungwon is contemplating whether he wants to take a hot shower or – 

_“Fuck, Yes.”_

\- or to get another drink and hope for his neighbors from the upstairs to turn on the music even louder.

He doesn’t finish his train of thoughts when he hears Minhyuk’s voice clear and loud. _“Do you ever shut up?”_

 _“What?”_ Hyungwon catches bits of the girl’s voice. 

_“Stop it.”_ Minhyuk’s voice is still very much distinct in Hyungwon’s ears. 

At this Hyungwon giggles. “Way to go, Minhyuk.”

Hyungwon was never interested in other people’s private matters without their consent. He feels like he has already eavesdropped too much for his own good. He stands up and goes to the kitchen to grab himself another beer.

* * *

Hyungwon is silently seeping on his beer. The party upstairs seems to be at its prime. He puts his feet up against the railing and lights a cigarette in the complete darkness and solitude of the balcony. The moon is high and the stars are shining bright.

He flicks off the ash in the ashtray when he hears sounds from the apartment next door. The door swings wide open and a silhouette steps out.

* * *

Hyungwon didn’t move to the campus solely because it was close to the university and his chances to oversleep the majority of his classes shrinked by 80%. No.

He moved in because he actually liked the neighborhood and the apartment in the first place. It was neat, considerably new and none of the taps were leaking. 

Nonetheless, there were a couple of things that could have been done better. 

The walls were rather thin. However, he would partially blame it on his neighbor’s girlfriend. At the end of the day, he has never heard Minhyuk before. Well, to this day.

The second thing would be a space between the balconies. Both Hyungwon’s and Minhyuk’s bedrooms had one. 

Hyungwon came to a conclusion it would have been much better to make either one shared balcony or separate them on a respectable distance. A gap of less than a meter and a row of metal bars didn’t leave much room for privacy anyway.

* * *

“What’s up?” Hyungwon’s slightly raspy and drunk voice asks into the void of the night. 

The silhouette jumps. “Fuck.” Minhyuk walks to the corner of his balcony only to find a smoking Hyungwon. It is dark in his apartment so he can’t see his face properly.

“You scared me.” Minhyuk says while looking at the younger but not quiet.

“Didn’t mean to.” The taller mumbles.

Minhyuk’s gaze follows a small red light that is bobbing up and down.

“Did you have a fight?” 

“What?” Minhyuk asks absentmindedly. 

“With your girl.” Hyungwon says softly.

“How do you know?” Minhyuk asks, perplexed. However, before he can have an answer he says. “Move your legs, I will come over.”

“What?” Hyungwon whips his head to look straight at Minhyuk but it’s too late. The older climbs on the trailing and jumps over. A couple of seconds later he leaps on the concrete of Hyungwon’s balcony.

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything. He just stares at the silhouette in front of him. 

“Why is it so dark in here?” Minhyuk says before walking into Hyungwon’s bedroom and switching on the lights, closing the door, plopping on a second wooden chair next. 

Hyungwon continues to stare at now better-lit face of the older. Minhyuk looks a little haggard and wild-eyed.

“You really are – “ Hyungwon thinks of a better way of summing up the situation but the alcohol swiped most of his vocabulary so he just finishes with “ – weird.”

“So I’ve been told.” Minhyuk chuckles and both of them put their feet up the railing.

“I haven’t seen you in a while.” The older says after a pause.

For a moment Hyungwon says nothing. He hums and takes a drag of his freshly lit cigarette. “To be honest I thought you were avoiding me.So– “

“I was.” Minhyuk responds bluntly. 

Hyungwon snorts. “I knew it. May I know the reason? Don’t tell me it was as petty as you being embarrassed or something of that sort.” 

“Partially, but it wasn’t the real reason.” At this Minhyuk turns to look straight at the younger. Hyungwon feels the elder’s eyes on him. 

“I need to apologize for kissing you, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk says timidly, shyly but he doesn’t look away when Hyungwon’s gaze falls on him. 

Hyungwon blinks. “So you do remember.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Hyungwon senses a small hint of tension in Minhyuk’s tone but it’s still his usual high-pitched voice. 

“You were wasted.” Hyungwon slightly slurs the end of the sentence as he looks away and fixes his gaze on a starry sky instead. However, he continues to feel Minhyuk's gaze slide over his profile.

“It’s okay. I was a little baffled but it’s not a big deal.” He shrugs. 

“But it is.” Minhyuk squirms in his chair.

“Why? Did you confess to your girlfriend and now she is all upset?”

“My girlfriend?” Minhyuk’s voice is hoarse but it’s also a tad confused. “I was meaning to ask you. How do you kn- “

“How do I know you have a chick?” Hyungwon cuts the other off, chuckling. 

“Because I can hear you fuck.” He ends straight up laughing. It’s a drunken, laid back, and a little bit silly laughter. 

“W-what?” The older stutters out.

“Sorry. Sorry.” Hyungwon lifts a hand with a cigarette between his fingers up in the air. 

“I really don’t mean to, but –“ He stifles laughter. “The first night I moved in I heard her damn yelling.” 

Hyungwon pauses in order to take a drag. “She is so damn noisy.” He puffs the air out through his nose. 

“I went to the library the other night but I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it today.” 

“Oh my god.” Minhyuk whispers. “Oh my fucking god.” He covers his face with both of his hands.

“Why-y?” Hyungwon’s tone is amused. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“I am so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s all about the acoust- “

“Sana has always been loud.” Minhyuk grunts in frustration.

“Yeah.” Hyungwon agrees. “I don’t know if I’ve ever heard someone being so close to a pornstar bedroom voice in real life. She must be a hotshot.”

“Her go-to is missionary.” Minhyuk says, bemused.

“Huh?” Hyungwon nearly chokes on his beer. 

“With all the yelling she is no better than a block of wood in bed?” Hyungwon genuinely wonders.

Minhyuk hesitates. “I don’t know.” He sighs. “I thought I liked her but she is so damn loud and I just lost it today so – uh” He groans once again.

“Yeah, I heard that too.”

“You did?” Minhyuk whips his head. “Of course you did.” He bitterly laughs as he looks up at the black sky.

“It was the first time I actually heard you.” Hyungwon says matter of factly. 

“Oh well, maybe try to treat her like your first ever girl. She is hella loud but maybe with baby steps, you will be treated to something better sooner or later.” 

“Better? Minhyuk mindlessly asks.

“You know.” Hyungwon turns towards the older and mimics a blowjob motion by tightening his hand into a fist and moving it up and down while puffing the air in and out of his left cheek.

Minhyuk’s first reaction is to dumbly stare. However, it is replaced by hysterical laughter a moment later.

“You’re funny, Hyungwon.” He says between the giggles.

“Why?” Hyungwon asks offended. “It’s an important part of the relationship.” 

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Minhyuk says after his laughing fit is over. “We broke it off tonight.”

“Eh? Really? Why?” 

Hyungwon wouldn’t pry in his neighbor’s personal matters if he was sober. However, being buzzed as he is, all of the barriers he builds on a daily basis were erased.

 _Because since the day I met you I can't think of anyone but you._ Minhyuk thinks to himself.

“We came to a conclusion we don’t fit each other.” He says aloud.

_Today was the breaking point. I tried to imagine your habits in bed while I was having sex with Sana._

Hyungwon nods politely. “I am sorry to hear that.”

Minhyuk’s breathing becomes as ragged as his heartbeat.

_I cannot stop the lingering feeling on my lips. I imagine you kissing me more often than not and it’s driving me insane._

“Yeah. Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? Because lol


	4. Little pieces

The weeks that followed were surreal. The days came and passed by in a bit of a blur for Hyungwon. The leaves were changing, it was raining more often than not and it started to get dark early.

Hyungwon fancied autumn and there was something magical about this particular season but he also wished it would pass by faster. 

Since he was a kid, fall used to have an invisible force on him that would put him in a constant state of lethargy. Later, much later he would learn a different name for it - depression. And nothing was lonelier and more disorienting than insomnia that followed right behind it. 

Hyungwon would read books until his eyes water and his head was close to the explosion. If he couldn’t concentrate on books he would play games. If he wasn’t playing games he would be hanging out at Changkyun’s apartment until he was kicked out. However, there were certain times in the middle of the night when Hyungwon could be found in a 24/7 library. 

And Minhyuk knew it as well. Sometimes the older would show up in his jogger pants, thick glasses combined with hair that had seen better days. Minhyuk would bring two black coffees from the nearest café and sit silently next to Hyungwon doing his own thing. 

Sometimes he would stop by after attending an 'X' party of that week. Hyungwon came to the conclusion the guy can become friends with pretty much anyone. In contrary to Hyungwon’s, his communicative skills were skyrocketing. 

Hyungwon could never quite pinpoint the elder’s style because he looked like a bum at home, a hippy at school, and a manwhore whenever he went out but he decided he liked this aspect of diversity about his neighbor. 

Sometimes Hyungwon would notice a strong perfume around the other that wasn't his. A week after Minhyuk broke up with his girlfriend Hyungwon noticed a lipstick stain on his black shirt. He wanted to mention it but in the end, he didn’t. It was none of his business. 

Sometimes, Hyungwon wondered that Minhyuk was around him so much and yet they knew nearly nothing about each other.

Physically, there was nothing that indicated that something was wrong but Hyungwon knew. They were little things in his demeanor. There were days he would avoid Hyungwon completely only to show up four days later with a sinfully bright smile. Something about the air around him seemed off.

Sometimes his stomach would twitch with discomfort because of his neighbor's lies. 

Sometimes Hyungwon could see a glimpse of Minhyuk’s interior. They were brief moments when he put his guard down. But it didn’t happen too often and Hyungwon was just tired. 

He didn’t need more complications in his life so he just let himself be part of Minhyuk’s life only when the older allowed him to. But sometimes he couldn't stop but want to know.

* * *

**Twelfth of November, 10: 23 PM**

Hyungwon is laying on one of the several deckchairs that were sneaked to the rooftop of their apartment building. It’s the middle of November and the air is so crisp that Hyungwon feels it might start snowing any time. 

His mind is peacefully blank when he hears a metal door slam, brief footsteps across the roof are following right after. 

Hyungwon sighs, he shuts his eyes and curses whoever is ruining his moment of peace. 

After a second or two, he flicks his gaze towards the stranger. It is a guy. He is standing on the other side of the roof. 

He starts kicking one of the chairs that are situated in that corner. He kicks it over and over again until it hits the plastic table.

Hyungwon realized the other didn’t notice him yet. When he was done with what Hyungwon thought was an _outlet_ , the stranger leans against the railing and starts rummaging for something in his pocket. 

Hyungwon sits up and wonders if he needs to inform the other that he is not alone but then he sees the guy light his cigarette and Hyungwon knows exactly who the other guy is so he calls his name out. “Minhyuk?” 

The guy spins and his freshly lit cigarette falls down. “Shit, Hyungwon?” 

“Yeah, that would be me.” Hyungwon doesn’t intend to make any further moves. He lies back down, pulls his hands up behind his head, and stares up at a starry sky. For a moment no one speaks and Hyungwon appreciates this silence. 

But then he hears steps. Minhyuk drags another lounge chair closer to Hyungwon. He then falls on it with a hardly audible thud.

“What are you doing here?” Minhyuk’s voice is emotionally distant.

Hyungwon slightly turns to look at the older but it’s too dark and he is unable to see anything but the outlines of his body.

“Changkyun told me about it. Apparently, every apartment building has an accessible rooftop and no one's told me before.” Hyungwon slightly chuckles. 

“Sorry, it never came up in our conversations.”

Hyungwon makes a low-frequency growl as an acknowledging sound for listening to the older.

Another silence settles between them. It’s eerie quiet. Both of them are immersed in their own thoughts. Hyungwon is determined to find Orion when Minhyuk speaks again.

“Hyungwon, do you ever – ?” 

Hyungwon doesn’t hear the older finish his question. He turns to look at how Minhyuk sprints off the deckchair and starts walking away. He opens the door and slightly turns Hyungwon’s way.

He hears something like ‘Good night’ but Hyungwon’s mind is preoccupied with something completely else. 

A moment later the door shuts and Hyugnwon listens as the footsteps fade. 

One second. Two seconds. Three seconds.

He bolts off the deckchair and runs after the older. 

“Minhyuk!” Hyungwon yells the elder's name who is about to enter the elevator. Minhyuk stops and turns to look at the younger and Hyungwon’s heart starts bleeding. He feels like an iron claw squeezes his heart when he catches a good sight of the red-haired guy. For a moment Hyungwon stops breathing.

“What’s that?” Hyungwon closes the distance between the two of them.

He lifts the shorter’s chin and his eyes chaotically run back and forth but Minhyuk's eyes automatically dart to the left. Hyungwon tries to push his chin in his direction but Minhyuk refuses to follow the motion. And what’s that? Panic? Worry?

“Minhyuk, what happened?” Hyungwon whispers.

“It’s nothing.” He pulls away.

“What do you mean it’s nothing?” Hyungwon gasps. “Did you get into a fight?”

Minhyuk doesn’t answer. He presses the elevator button again and the door opens. Both of them step in.

When they step out on their floor Minhyuk fishes for his keys but Hyungwon grabs him by the wrist and drags him into his apartment.

No one says a word. Both of them silently take their shoes off and Hyungwon walks to his kitchen to find the first aid kit while Minhyuk awkwardly stands and his pale, anxious glance skitters around Hyungwon’s living room.

They sit on the couch. The whole time Hyungwon wipes Minhyuk’s blood off his eyebrow cut the older looks down. However, the moment Hyungwon lifts his chin in order to wipe the dry blood off his cut lip he looks up. 

Again. Hyungwon feels it in his stomach again. He is not sure if it’s the butterflies or the sinking feeling that will sooner or later drag him down to the deepest pit of hell.

“I – “ Minhyuk’s voice is both disturbed and vulnerable and it doesn’t suit him at all.

“Shh.” Hyungwon presses a thumb over Minhyuk’s lips and it makes the older flinch.

The next moment Hyungwon’s hand is rummaging through the box. He finds an antiseptic cream and squeezes a pea size to his index finger. He then gently dabs it against the two cuts on his face.

“Take it.” He puts the cream on Minhyuk’s left thigh. He closes the first aid kit and stands up to put it away.

“Hyungwon, I – “

“Save it if you are going to feed me lies.” He turns over his shoulder to look straight at Minhyuk. He stares at the older for a long and deliberate moment. 

Hyungwon’s eyes are big, dark, and sincere but the longer Minhyuk looks at him the sadder they become. 

Hyungwon, his discomfort is evident waits for Minhyuk to say, to do something, _anything_. But there is no expression on Minhyuk’s face and the words never follow. The older blinks, swallows. He breathes in a long, bone shivering wheeze and Hyungwon cannot take it anymore.

“You can go now if you like.” Hyungwon finally says in withdrawal as he heads towards the kitchen.

He hears shuffling. His front door is being open and shut. The sound of doomsday. A wonderful sound that can tear your heart into a million little pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is something about the grammar...it's heavy...but the vibe of the chapter is exactly where I want it so I didn't know how to fix it. Mm yeh.


	5. Where is my mind?

**Twentieth of November, 6:55 PM**

It was time for dinner but Hyungwon wasn’t hungry. He went to the window and watched the snowflakes whirl under the yellow lights of street lamps. 

Minutes ticked by. Slowly. Painfully.

The thought of sitting and moping around the rest of the night seemed unbearable so he went to the bedroom and changed into a pair of black pants paired with a black sweatshirt. He quickly glanced at the mirror. His hair was getting long but he wasn’t in the mood to style it. He ended up grabbing a black Balenciaga cap and after throwing a puffy jacket and slipping into a pair of Converse he headed to a bar that was situated on Campus. 

He can have a good time on his own. He can be normal. He can mingle.

* * *

Hyungwon remembers smoking a joint with one of his classmates, Sanghyuk. He has never had a decent conversation with the other before. However, after talking but mostly smoking he came to the conclusion the other guy was charming, hilarious at times. They agreed to go for a couple of drinks the following week. 

Then there were blue drinks that looked more radioactive than anything else but weirdly enough the taste was bearable, even nice.

Then, Hyungwon must have spaced out because the next thing he knew he was backing a strange girl by the wall. Apparently, they’ve been there for a while because she was eagerly telling something. He leaned in and narrowed his eyes in order to take a better look at her. 

She looked up and smiled. “Are you okay?” She giggled.

“Yep.” Hyungwon straightened his posture again.

She was pretty. She had her black hair tied in a messy bun. She was wearing chunky boots paired with a Beetlejuice T-shirt and her eyes were very, very dark. 

For a moment Hyungwon contemplated commenting on them. She reminded him of a cute raccoon because of her makeup. But then he decided he shouldn’t. It would probably offend her. It was probably weed talking.

Hyungwon felt both high and drunk but he felt her eyes on him, the way she batted her eyelashes. She wasn’t just killing time. She was into him. And Hyungwon liked her more than enough to spend the night with her.

He was in the middle of mastering the best pick up line his brain would allow him to when someone patted him on the shoulder. 

Hyungwon didn’t react as it was cramped in the bar and people occasionally elbowed him. But not even 5 seconds later someone tugged Hyungwon by the sleeve of his sweatshirt. 

“What is it?” He turned and stumbled backward, almost crashing into the girl. 

Now that Hyungwon thinks about it he doesn’t remember asking for her name. Whatever.

Minhyuk was standing in front of him. His black eyes were glinting in the dim room of neon lights. Hyungwon tried to take his features in. It's been a while since they've seen each other. There was a tiny scratch in the corner of Minhyuk’s lip but the rest of the wounds healed up nicely.

“Hey.” Minhyuk finally spoke.

“Hi.” 

Minhyuk’s gaze skittered towards the girl who thanks to Hyungwon’s frame was almost invisible. “Are you busy?”

“Why?” Hyungwon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Do you want to get a drink with us?”

“No.” He ran a hand to the back of his neck as he looked away. “Do you - ?”

Hyungwon didn’t hear the rest. The high gave him partial ‘ears underwater‘ feeling. He leaned forward and yelled into Minhyuk’s left ear. “Sorry, what did you say? It’s loud in here.”

Hyungwon felt the elder’s chest go up, a chuckle but more like a snort followed shortly after. “I am asking if you want to go to Jooheon’s parent’s country house. We are leaving now.”

“Huh?” At this Hyungwon pulled back in order to look straight at Minhyuk.

“I don’t want to interrupt anything.” Minhyuk’s eyes flickered towards the girl and back at Hyungwon.

_No, Hyungwon. Don’t you fucking dare._

“Sure.”

_Congrats, you signed up for a weekend of tortures. Oh. And yeah, no sex for you._

“Give me a second.” Hyungwon said slightly slurring. 

“I'll wait for you by the exit.” Minhyuk said while making a u-turn and walking away but he didn't fail to notice how Hyungwon wrapped a hand around the girl’s wrist and started whispering something into her ear. 

“I am sorry.” Hyungwon said while pulling away. 

“It’s okay.” The girl smiled. 

It’s only now that he realizes how pink her cheeks are. Her condition wasn’t any better than Hyungwon’s.

“Do you want a ride home?”

“Nah.” She waved her hand. “Don’t bother.”

“Seulgi.” Someone shouted from the back.

Both of them turned at the voice. 

“Yeri.” 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Who are you?”A stranger was now standing in front of Hyungwon. 

“Go.” His date who is now known as Seulgi pushed him in the back.

“I’ll see you around.” He turned to look over his shoulder as he was walking away. He didn't forget to give her a little dopey but bright smile.

He got his jacket and walked out of the bar. He felt frosty air biting his cheeks upon opening the door. He looked around and his eyes were immediately drowned to the silhouette that vacantly was kicking at the snow.

Ah. Hyungwon thought. Sweet, sweet Minhyuk. His uneven blink and pursed lips were more than enough to move Hyungwon's cold but fragile heart. If only he knew.

When he and Minhyuk got to the parking lot Jooheon was leaning against the car with his arms crossed on his chest. 

“Took you long enough.” He whined at a respectable distance as he walked around the car and jumped into the driver’s seat.

Jooheon, was first introduced as one of Changkyun’s good friends who turned out to be one of Minhyuk’s close friends as well.

Hyungwon vividly remembered conversations he had with Changkyun when he was in the army. Apparently, they were from the same major, and even though they didn’t have identical tastes when it came to music they clicked immediately. 

He was a tall, broad-shouldered guy. He was bright but moody. But what intrigued Hyungwon about the younger the most was the fact that he brought some sort of unidentified peace to his mind. The other could be just standing in the proximity and Hyungwon would just feel better. He had a warm smile and even though they weren’t close he seemed good-natured. Hyungwon rarely had a solely positive opinion about someone he wasn't close to.

Hyungwon remembers little of the ride, he fell asleep as soon as they pulled off. 

Hyungwon opens his eyes to someone’s voice. Dazed, still drunk but not high anymore he slightly shakes his head. He then lifts his head and realizes that there is drool on his cheek. He wipes it off and squints his eyes.

“Are you okay?” The voice laughs.

Hyungwon’s blurry vision comes to the norm and he meets eyes with smiling Minhyuk. Hyungwon’s jaw slightly falls as he wipes his mouth with the back of his sleeve again.

“I fell asleep.” Hyungwon’s voice is raspy and sleepy.

“You indeed did.”

“I think I drooled on your shoulder.” Hyungwon says dumbly and Minhyuk laughs even harder.

“We are here.” 

Hyungwon looks around and realizes that they are parked and Jooheon is nowhere to be seen. “Where is Jooheon?” 

“You are such a sleepyhead. He got tired of waiting for you to wake up.” 

Minhyuk opens the door and steps out of the car. Hyungwon follows suit. He climbs out of the car and looks up at the black sky. The moon is bright and perfectly round. Hyungwon also notices that the stars are brighter. 

“Come on.” Minhyuk’s voice brings Hyungwon back to reality and he realizes that the older got a backpack out of the trunk and is now walking towards the house. 

“Wait for me.” Hyungwon drags his feet.

* * *

It was a big wooden house. The first thing that Hyungwon noticed upon walking in was a strong smell of musk. The second thing he noticed was a piano and a book wall. 

“Woah.” Hyungwon mutters to himself while struggling to take the shoes off. 

“Don’t.” Suddenly the voice is close to Hyungwon’s right ear. A moment later a hand snakes around Hyungwon’s forearm. “It’s dirty here. Leave them on for now.”

Hyungwon looks up and inspects Minhyuk’s face for a moment. “Mmm.” He finally masters and struggles away. 

“Jooheon- ahhh.” Hyungwon sings while getting away from his number one trouble. 

“Yeah?” Jooheon pokes his head out of what Hyungwon thinks is the kitchen. 

“I am sorry to disappoint y’all -” He drags his words. “-but I am done for today.” He yawns and he doesn’t even bother to cover his mouth.

“Really? I thought we can have a drink." He shows a bottle of wine with a corkscrew stuck in it. 

Hyungwon smiles. “I’ve had my daily share.” 

Jooheon shows his dimples. “Yeah, I can see that. You can sleep in my bedroom upstairs. It’s the first to the right. You don’t have any spare clothes so pick anything you like from my wardrobe. You are taller and skinnier but I am sure you will find something fitting.” 

“Cool.” Hyungwon shows two thumbs up and turns around but Jooheon speaks again.

“Good night, Hyungwon.” Jooheon says and disappears into the kitchen to struggle with 'half of a cork was still inside the bottle' situation.

There is an awkward silence.

“Good night, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon’s gaze lingers on the older’s face but the next moment he drags the gaze away and walks towards the staircase.

“Night, Hyungwon- ah.” He says barely above the whisper. 

“Are you sure you will be okay?” His voice is a little more confident this time.

Hyungwon proceeds to climb the stairs as he waves a hand in Minhyuk’s direction. “I am fine, thanks.” 

Minhyuk watches his receding back until he is out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween. 🎃


	6. Good morning, sunshine

**Twenty-first of November, 7:22 AM**

On Saturday Hyungwon woke up to a quiet house. He put on a black oversized tee, grey baggy sweatpants that he found inside Jooheon’s wardrobe, and went downstairs straight into the kitchen. He opened and shut cabinets until he found an apothecary jar filled with instant coffee singles. 

Hyungwon chuckled to himself. He hated the taste of instant coffee but he couldn’t help but appreciate Jooheon’s mother’s passion for Pinterest trends. 

While he waited for the water to boil he found his jacket. Then, he filled the cup with water, stirred it, and gave it a taste.

“Oh well.” He muttered while walking out. It was a cool and foggy morning, the sky was grey. He put his cup of coffee on the railing. He then flicked a cigarette out of the pack and lighted it shortly after.

“Morning.” A raspy voice mumbled. 

Hyungwon jumped. He then slowly turned to see Jooheon sit in a wooden chair in the corner of the porch. He was sitting while hugging his knees, a blanket was loosely draped over his shoulders. 

“Don’t scare me like that.” Hyungwon muttered while moving to where the younger was. 

“Sorry.” Jooheon grinned. “You’re up early.” 

Hyungwon shook his head. “You woke up even earlier.” 

“Minhyuk woke me up.” Jooheon clicked the roof of his mouth.

Hyungwon wasn’t sure he wanted the conversation to go in that direction so he stayed silent. He was slowly inhaling and exhaling when Jooheon spoke again.

“Hey.”

“Yeh?"

“Do you know what happened?” 

Hyungwon watched as the younger dragged a thumb over his lower lip.

“Do you mean Minhyuk?” Hyungwon leaned against the railing, crossed his legs, and looked over his shoulder. The grass was drenched with morning dew.

“Yeah. Didn’t he say anything to you?”

“Nah. I asked him once but he didn’t want to explain so I never brought it up again.” Hyungwon said casually.

“Hmm.” Jooheon made a vibrating sound at the back of his throat. 

“Why?” Hyungwon turned to look straight at Jooheon. “You are good friends. He didn’t tell you anything?”

Jooheon scoffed. “I wish. He was avoiding me until he could. I found out about it when I bumped into him by mere chance.”

“I see.” 

A short silence followed. Hyungwon wanted to change the subject. They are not supposed to talk behind his back. He should not get involved. He should not -

“Do you have any ideas?”

Hyungwon was silent for a moment. Then he heaved a heavy sigh. “Three.”

“That’s two more than I have.” Jooheon chuckled. “Spill.”

“Well, the first one would be – “He took a drag of his cigarette. “- pretty universal. He was in a bar. The dumbest bone of contention lead to a fight or – “

“Or?” 

“I have a feeling he might have slept with a chick that has a boyfriend.” He locked his gaze on Jooheon as the younger's eyes widened.

“Do you think so?” 

Hyungwon shrugged. “He does seem like he fools around a lot. It doesn’t have to be intentional. Maybe he didn’t know. But then again if it was a casual brawl I don’t understand why he would want to keep it a secret. I got a feeling as if he is ashamed of it. It’s not like we’ve never been there.”

“Well, I haven’t” Jooheon laughed.

“You've never been punched in the face?” Hyungwon’s voice was surprised. 

“Yeah.”

“And never did the punching?”

“Nope.”

“Well, that’s even more shocking.” He smiled while putting a cigarette out on the sole of his shoe. 

“And what’s the last one?”

“The scariest option because nothing comes to my mind. A shot in the dark.” A strong gust of wind ruffled Hyungwon's hair and he tucked one of the stray strands behind his ear.

“It’s weird.” 

“What is?” Hyungwon said aloud and immediately regretted it. 

“Minhyuk is not someone who would – “

“Pick a fight or sleep around?”

“Both.”

Hyungwon couldn’t help but snort. “Actually, I think Minhyuk can be both. He is not a bad guy but I feel like he hides a lot of things. Moreover, he is very clever at doing so. He is what people like to call the dangerous type.”

Jooheon looks up at Hyungwon who is gazing somewhere at the horizon. His posture is calm as he rhythmically taps on the railing. 

“You know.” Jooheon stands up leaving the blanket in place. “You are very – “

“Very?" Hyungwon turns around and realizes Jooheon is technically looming over him but there is no malice behind the action.

“Distant.” Jooheon says but he has no intentions to pull away.

“If I had a dollar for every time someone called me distant I would be living in my castle of ice somewhere far away by now.” Hyungwon grins.

“I’ve heard so many things from Changkyun so I’ve always wanted to meet you but – “

Jooheon is close. Very close.

“I’ve never thought you would become friends with Minhyuk.”

At this Hyungwon sighs. “I wouldn’t call our relationship friendship.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I cannot trust someone who doesn’t trust me. However, I do like him.” Hyungwon says bluntly. 

“Yeah.” Jooheon smiles and finally pulls away. “That’s what I meant.

He is friendly and he talks too much but he doesn’t have that many good friends. He is pretty hard to approach on a personal level but he likes you. Like actually likes you. I think I understand why."

“And you understood it because I called him a liar?”

“Something like that. Oh." Jooheon mulls something for a moment. "I have to disagree with you. No matter what's your perception of Minhyuk, he does think highly of you, otherwise, he would never invite you." He briefly smiles before continuing. 

“You will need an ashtray.” His gaze falls down to Hyungwon’s left hand that holds a cigarette butt. “There are a couple inside.”

Both of them start towards the entrance when the door opens.

“What are you doing there?” Minhyuk pokes his head out while squinting one eye. His voice is laced with sleep.

“Hi.” Hyungwon comes closer and Minhyuk immediately straightens up as he looks up at the taller, swallowing.

“How’s your head?” He scratches his bird’s nest. 

“No hangover if you are talking about that.” Hyungwon squeezes out the smallest smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was more of a filler chapter thus it's quite short. 
> 
> I didn't have too much time to endorse myself with all of the things revolving around the CB so far...but the album is great. What are your fav songs? Sorry I am not sorry is what I didn't know I needed for my evenings...I just cannot get enough. Yet, I cannot stop thinking about Hyungwon's high notes in Thriller. And what about Nobody else? Night view? And what about Minhyuk's vibe in Guess who? Also, can we talk about Hyunwoo for a second? And then Beastmode...I love them for their diversity...they have a song for everyone.


	7. With you

**Twenty-first of November, 10:13 AM**

Three of them had a big breakfast that consisted of croissants, toasts with ham and cheese, cereal bowls and more coffee. 

After the table was cleaned and dishes were done they fell into a comfortable silence. 

Hyungwon was looking outside the window - a vast field, bits of pine trees and Norway spruce were poking at the horizon.

“You have a nice cottage house and it’s beautiful here.” He said quietly. His chin was resting in his left palm.

“Thanks.” Jooheon grinned.

“What about the others? Changkyun is coming, right?” It was Minhyuk.

“Is he?” Hyungwon whipped his head in Minhyuk’s direction.

“Yeah. You didn’t know?”

Hyungwon shook his head. 

“Did you check your phone?” Jooheon asked curiously.

“No.” Hyungwon said evenly. “Not since I left home yesterday evening. It’s probably dead by now.” He was looking at Jooheon now.

Minhyuk huffed.

“Speaking of which.” Hyungwon turned to look at Minhyuk. “How did you know where to look for me?” He asked, amused.

“I am starting to know your mind, Hyungwon – ah.” He locked eyes on the taller. Again, it was that exact sinful smile.

“Huh.” Hyungwon said. It was all he could say.

“We need to decide what we want for dinner.” Jooheon continued. “Changkyun will bring booze but we haven’t decided on food yet.”

“How far are we from civilization?” Hyungwon asked. 

“Not that far. There is a shop 15 minutes away by car.”

“I can take care of it.” Hyungwon said while standing up and stretching. As he stretched his tee came up. 

Hyungwon didn’t notice the way Minhyuk tensed, borderline bit down on his tongue as the bit of skin showed above Hyungwon’s sweatpants. 

“I’ll come with you.” Minhyuk jumped off the stool and rushed upstairs. “Give me 10 minutes to get ready.” Trailed off before he was out of earshot.

“What’s up with him?” Hyungwon turned to look at Jooheon. The younger lifted his shoulder in a half shrug.

* * *

“Aren’t you going to change?” Jooheon asked as he watched Hyungwon slipping into his sneakers.

“Nah.” He put on his jacket and pocketed his wallet. “I am not here to impress.” He turned to look at the younger while shoving his hair back away from his hair, smiling.

“Okay.” He said approaching with his wallet in hands.

“No.” The older lifted his hands up in the air. “Don’t bother. I got it.”

“But – “

“No buts, it’s my thank you for inviting me.” 

Jooheon tilted his head and inspected Hyungwon for a little while. “Alright, the keys are hanging behind you.” He pointed with his index finger. 

“Actually.” Hyungwon started.

“Actually?” Minhyuk reappeared while zipping his coat.

“Do you mind walking?” Hyungwon looked up at Minhyuk. “Do you know the way?”

“Yeah, I do.” Minhyuk’s eyes never left Hyungwon’s.

It was silent for a brief moment.

“Then it’s all settled.” The youngest spoke up. “Just grab whatever you want and give me a call if anything comes up.” Jooheon waved a hand while walking away. 

“I guess I will clean this place a bit.” He was now mumbling to himself.

* * *

Outside, it was still damp and cool. The sky didn’t clear at all since the morning but it was a common shade of hazy for autumn. The birds chattered somewhere far away. 

Minhyuk hugged himself. “It’s cold.”

“Maybe you should go back.” Hyungwon said sympathetically. 

“Why?” Minhyuk whipped his head, cheeks aflame. “You don’t know the way.”

“You’re right.” Hyungwon chuckled. “ – but I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“I am fine.” Minhyuk muttered as they maneuvered through a narrow path and a couple of minutes later they appeared on a highway. 

A couple of cars whooshed past but otherwise, it was quiet. Too quiet. Silence contained too little information. But it wasn’t that. Hyungwon was perfectly fine with silence. It was that there was someone next to him. 

“So.” Hyungwon started. 

“So.” Minhyuk glanced sideways, grinning. 

“How often do you visit? It’s nice in here.” 

“Ah.” Minhyuk shoved his hands inside his pockets. “I spent half of my summer here. Jooheon’s parents don’t come here as often as they used to, so instead he started to come and I naturally tagged along. They are getting old and stuff, you know?” 

At this Minhyuk turned to look at the taller. Hyungwon looked up to meet his gaze. And it was nothing like in the morning. His gaze changed completely. As if something within him opened up. However, the next moment he averted his eyes and concentrated on looking ahead instead. 

Hyungwon had the tiniest urge to make him look his way but it died as soon as it appeared.

“Jooheon likes it here and I absolutely adore this place. His younger brother doesn’t come here that much either, so unless something keeps him busy in the city you will probably find him here.”

Hyungwon silently listened until the other finished. Then he spoke. “Jooheon has a younger brother?”

“Yes, he is a couple of years younger. He is very cute, however they are nothing alike in terms of character.”

“It seems you are close.” 

“With Seungheun?”

“No, I meant Jooheon.” Hyungwon laughed. “Maybe both.” 

Silence crept back in, and Hyungwon wondered what to say next until he didn’t. He subtly kicked at the damp, fallen leaves. He smoked a cigarette and was preoccupied with his own thoughts. 

He completely missed sneaky glimpses from the older. He also didn’t notice the moment they approached the shop.

* * *

“Are you gonna get drunk tonight?” Hyungwon asked when they were inside the shop, passing by the alcohol section.

“Hell, yeah.” Minhyuk laughed. “You?” 

“Sure.” He stopped by the hard liquor display stand. “What’s your favorite drink?” He asked as his eyes wandered up and down. 

Minhyuk stopped and watched the taller for a moment. 

“Are you listening to me?” Hyungwon turned to look at the older.

“Ah.” Minhyuk looked away. “Didn’t Jooheon say Changkyun will bring something?” 

“Changkyun is strictly a Ballantines and Jack Daniels bitch. I don’t feel like whiskey tonight. What about beer, soju or gin? Does Jooheon like wine?” He asked while putting a finger to his lower lips.

“What about you? Tequila?” He then looked at the older, smiling mischievously. 

“Well, if your intention is to see me embarrass myself than – “ Minhyuk awkwardly ran a hand over the back of his neck.

“I am just kidding.” Hyungwon said. “Moreover, you haven’t seen Changkyun embarrassing himself. That guy is one of a hella trouble.” 

Hyungwon put 3 bottles of original soju inside the cart that Minhyuk was pushing. Then he picked a bottle of wine and a bottle of gin. When they were about to leave the section he added another bottle of soju.”

Minhyuk silently followed as the older skimmed the rows, throwing things inside from time to time. Then he abruptly stopped, making Minhyuk crush into the taller. 

“Sorry.” Minhyuk spouted.

“Do you like paella?” Hyungwon looked over his shoulder and briefly smiled before heading towards the seafood section. 

“Do you know how to cook it?” Minhyuk stopped by Hyungwon who was skimming the counter.

The taller nodded. “Changkyun’s grandparents live in the outskirts of Mokpo. We used to go fishing with his grandpa when we were kids and his grandma makes the most delicious seafood dishes.”

“His grandma knows foreign cuisine?” 

Hyungwon snorted. “It was Changkyun. He wanted to try it so he made her cook it for us. I think he was 12 or something back then. So? It’s pretty easy to cook.” 

“Sure.”

* * *

“You overdid it.” Minhyuk whines, each of them carries two heavy bags. "We had to take the car." 

“I got a little excited, sorry.” Hyungwon says, but he is smiling and there is no regret in his tone.

“Look, I think Changkyun is here.” He jerks his head towards the parked Toyota next to Jooheon’s old BMW.

Both of them make the last couple of steps before Hyungwon pushes the heavy, wooden door and enters the house. Indistinctive voices can be heard from both upstairs and somewhere from the back of the kitchen.

“Guh.” Minhyuk says tiredly as he puts the bags on the floor and closes the door behind, leaning against it next.

“Ah.” The sound makes Minhyuk to look up.

“Did it really tire you out? I didn’t want to ruin your morning.” Hyungwon whispers, a look of concern is written on his face.

“Oh, nah – “ Minhyuk stammers before someone walks out of the kitchen.

“You are back.” 

“However, I did enjoy myself.” Hyungwon mouthes, a shy smile is playing on his lips. 

He then turns around and gives Changkyun the nod “What’s up, man?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the next time I post we will have our first win. 😤


	8. Unspoken

**Twenty-first of November, 4: 22 PM**

Later that afternoon Hyungwon and Changkyun were sitting on the porch, drinking beer. The weather became restless compared to the morning. 

The clouds were fast and dark. The wind was up but it didn’t stop Jooheon, Hoseok, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo from tossing the ball. 

“What are you thinking about?” Changkyun looked at Hyungwon sideways.

“I wish we didn’t have to go back. I wish I had a place similar to this that I could call my own.” Hyungwon took a sip of his drink and looked at the silhouettes on the lawn. Jooheon’s face was bright pink as he was arguing about something with Minhyuk. 

Changkyun cleared his throat. “We can make it happen.” 

“What?” The older turned to look him straight in the eye. 

“Your dream house, that is.” The younger smiled.

“Why? Why would you do it for me?” Hyungwon quirked his eyebrows.

“Because I want to see you happy?” The younger semi-asked semi-answered. 

“We have a degree to finish, a job to find. You don’t know what will happen tomorrow so don’t make promises you are not sure you can keep.” Hyungwon gave a rather resigned little smile.

There was a brief pause. “Hyungwon.” Changkyun’s voice was low.

“Do you have any plans?” The taller asked instead. 

“What do you mean?”

“How are you going to keep yourself busy for the next 50 or so years?”

It was getting dark. A sudden wind rustled through the trees. 

Hyungwon looked at the lawn again. Jooheon scored at the toy football gate. Minhyuk was running chaotically, shouting. Hyunwoo and Hoseok, however, were standing still looking confused. 

Changkyun’s answer didn’t follow so Hyungwon spoke first. “I love you, Chankgyun-ah and I will always care for you but you put me in an uncomfortable position when you bring things like this up.”

“I am not – “

“Listen, I am not going anywhere. Whether it is today, tomorrow, or in 10 years. The only thing that will change is that by that time you will have a wife with two kids running around.”

He finished his drink in a swallow and stood up. He then turned to look straight at the younger. “ – or harem. Do you still see these two chicks you mentioned last time?” He snickered.

The younger ignored the remark, instead, he said. “Hyungwon, do you think I am blind? You started to sleepwalk through life.” He exhaled a lungful breath. “Again.”

Hyungwon raked a hand through his hair. “Have you ever failed anyone who you loved or loved you? Because I hit the jackpot in that department. Come on, we need to start dinner.”

Changkyun drew a deep breath in. “Look, I am just worried. If you need anyone to talk to, you know where to find me.” He muttered. 

“Is this the reason you brought Hoseok and Hyunwoo? So they could knock some sense into me?” His hand froze in mid-air as he was about to reach for the doorknob. 

“No, not at all.”

“Good.” Hyungwon opened the door.

* * *

“Watching you guys cook is unexpectedly – “ Hyunwoo’s calm voice came from the back of the kitchen. 

“Hot?” Minhyuk finished as he walked over where Hyungwon was and wrapped his hands around his waist, flushing himself against the taller’s back.

“ _Interesting_ is what I wanted to say but – “Hyunwoo’s voice trailed off as he disappeared behind the corner.

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon tsked. “You are icy cold.”

“It started snowing.” Minhyuk put his chin on Hyungwon’s left shoulder.

Hyungwon breathed, the nonexistent space between them was crackling with something. Hyungwon wasn’t sure what that something was. However, _that something_ was becoming ridiculously hard to ignore. And Minhyuk knew it as well. Because when Hyungwon took a deep breath, Minhyuk did the same.

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon half-whispered. “Back off.”

Changkyun watched the other two with intense curiosity. 

“It smells so good.” Hoseok’s voice said somewhere in the back.

“Changkyun, keep an eye on shrimps. Don’t overcook them.” Hyungwon then turned around in order to meet Minhyuk’s gaze but the older's eyes darted haphazardly across his face. He looked anywhere but Hyungwon's eyes.

The taller looked him over from top to bottom. “Did you - ?” Hyungwon narrowed his eyes on the older.

“Your cheeks always look so squishable.” Minhyuk muttered as his gaze finally stopped on his cheeks.

Hyungwon heard Changkyun’s most dramatic laugh and as he was about to look at the younger Minhyuk clasped his cheeks.

“Fuck, your hands are cold.” Hyungwon slapped them away.

“You are no fun.” Minhyuk pretended to pout but the next moment he was next to Changkyun, looking over his shoulder at the pot of boiling shrimps.

“I am hungry.” He mumbled.

“Are you drunk?” Hyungwon thought to himself but ended up saying it out loud. 

“Just a tiny bit.” Minhyuk looked at Hyungwon as he clenched his thumb and index finger together. 

Changkyun said nothing but Hyungwon knew better.

“I can’t believe it.” Hyungwon muttered as he started mixing the sauce with rice.

“It was freezing so we decided to have a couple of shots to warm up. Why?” Minhyuk looked at Changkyun.

“The evening just started but you look like you already had enough.” Changkyun said as he turned off the induction.

“It’s ready.” He said while draining water.

“I guess we can eat then. Minhyuk, can you tell the rest?” 

“Sure.”

* * *

“Is it just me or Minhyuk is interested in you?” Changkyun says as soon as they are the only ones in the kitchen.

“Why do you think so?” Hyungwon reaches for the fresh basil and sprinkles it on the top of the rice.

“He is all touchy with you, don’t you think so?” 

“He is always like that.”

“Not with me.” Changkyun admits.

“So him sticking to you just a second ago was not a pattern that can be called affection?” Hyungwon glances at the younger for a second before concentrating on paella. 

“He is as big of a flirt as you are. And I can assure you he is chasing skirts.” Hyungwon chuckles. “What makes you think he switches that way anyway?” 

“You.” 

Hyungwon snorts without raising his eyes. “Yeah, right.”

Changkyun makes two brief steps before he is within Hyungwon’s comfort zone. “Chae, look at me.”

“What is it?” Hyungwon grabs his beer as he looks up in order to meet the younger’s gaze.

They lock eyes. Hyungwon’s eyes are intense, yet they are lacking any emotion Changkyun can latch onto. 

But then he blinks and something changes because he sees the anxiety and pain in his childhood friend’s eyes, the damage in there that could never be healed.

Changkyun opens his mouth. Then closes. “Huh.” He finally utters for lack of a better word. 

He then clears his throat and says. “How about a shot before dinner? These little piggies didn’t wait for us, so why should we?” He chuckles, nudging the taller with his shoulder.

Hyungwon sees it, he knows it. That Changkyun realized that Hyungwon is protecting him from the truth. And he lets him do it. 

“That’s a good idea.” Hyungwon’s lips softly curl upwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can be better than the first win? Only two wins in a row! Guys are doing great.


	9. Truth or Dare pt.1

**Twenty-first of November, 7: 18 PM**

The rest of the evening happened naturally. 

One moment Hoseok was saying “You guys are not trying to poison us, are you? Just because it smells good doesn’t mean it tastes good.”

And the next moment Hyunwoo was exclaiming “God, where did you learn to cook like this? Did you finally give in and went to cooking classes?” 

“They are just dumb.” Hyungwon said to Jooheon who was sitting to the right as Changkyun started barking at the oldest duo.

“No, but this is really good.” Jooheon stated while conducting with a spoon in the air. “Right, Minnyuga?”

“Oh yes.” The red-haired guy said while chewing. His face was still a little flushed but the food in his stomach helped him to sober up. 

“You will have to cook for me sometime, Hyungwon-ah.” He continued, taking his third helping from the pan in the center of the table.

“Thank you, but my options are limited. Both me and Changkyun are actually pretty bad at it.” 

“Don’t cut yourself short.” Jooheon nodded at Hyungwon’s empty wine glass. The taller nodded.

* * *

The conversation flowed as freely as alcohol. They were talking about school, work, relationships, upcoming holidays, and trips.

Hyungwon could tell that the group had the potential to become even closer. Similar interests and sense of humor but everyone was different enough to keep it fun.

Speaking of fun, as the alcohol kept on flowing the walls came down.

An hour later when the table was more or less cleaned and glasses were filled, Hyungwon was playing the piano, a glass of gin with a splash of tonic on a seat beside him.

Yurima’s River flows in you was slurred and less emotional as Hyungwon was hitting the keys, the notes were melting sleepily one into another. 

“Try to fasten the tempo.” Minhyuk leaned over the taller, putting his hands on Hyungwons.

Hyungwon felt warm breath in his ear that he instinctively flinched against.

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon was a little drunk.

“Saving the piece?” Minhyuk drew a harsh breath in as he started moving his hands on top of Hyungwon’s, trying to set the tempo but he missed the key. And then another one.

“Or not.” He laughed and took a sip from Hyungwon’s glass, sitting next to him shortly after. 

While Hyungwon was facing the piano, Minhyuk was facing the others.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Hyungwon turned to look at the older.

Minhyuk was vacantly looking at the spot in front of him. His cheeks were back to beetroot red. 

“What are you talking about?” He turned to look at the younger. 

They were mere inches away. Hyungwon locked his gaze on the older. He half expected him to say something but somehow his reaction made more sense. 

The corners of Minhyuk’s mouth rose into a grin and Hyungwon allowed himself a small smile as well.

“I am done. I am so done, done, done with it.” Jooheon yelled.

Both Hyungwon and Minhyuk fixed their gaze on a black-haired guy who threw the cards on the table.

“That’s because you are a lousy player.” Hoseok said.

“Not everyone is as good at lying as you are.” Hyunwoo made a remark.

“Okay, truth or dare.” It was Changkyun. He was plastered on the couch, a glass of whisky was resting on his crossed ankle. 

“Hyungwon you are first.” He locked eyes on the older, snickering.

Hyungwon looked at Changkyun with a blank expression. However, the next moment his face changed entirely and he laughed.

“Oh no.” Hyunwoo muttered and Jooheon’s question followed “Why?”

“You will have to see it yourself.” Hoseok chuckled.

“First, empty your glasses.” Hyungwon grabbed his glass and motioned to where the rest were. 

“I have a full glass of wine.” Jooheon protested.

“I don’t care.” Hyungwon smirked.

Changkyun groaned. He had three shots worth of whiskey in his own glass.

“Don’t be a pussy.” Hyungwon provoked the youngest.

“Am not.” Changkyun sat properly.

“Minhyuk, come here.” Hoseok said while moving closer to the table.

“Good thing it’s just a bit of wine.” Minhyuk muttered to himself while moving to the table.

“You will be taking shots from now on.” Hyunwoo patted Minhyuk on the shoulder as the other was sitting down at the coffee table. “I hope you are ready.”

“Bottoms up.” Changkyun extended the hand and all six of them clinked their glasses. His eyes never left Hyungwon’s.

“Jee.” Jooheon said wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. “That’s what I call a waste of good wine.”

Hyungwon grimaced while putting his empty glass, lowering himself onto the carpentered floor next to the couch.

Changkyun finished his glass without a sound. His facial expression, however, had seen better times. 

Hyungwon was sitting in the middle between Jooheon and Minhyuk. Across the table were Hyunwoo and Hoseok. Changkyun was sitting between Jooheon and Hoseok.

“Fire away.” Hyungwon said while reaching for a soju bottle and setting a shot glass next to every guy.

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Hmm.” The youngest rubbed his chin. “How about you do pushups until it’s your turn again?”

“What?” Hyungwon looked at Changkyun with incredulity. “Isn’t it something you would ask to do these two?” He pointed at Hyunwoo and Hoseok.

“Do it.” Changkyun ordered. 

The tallest rolled his eyes before moving away from the rest and starting doing pushups. Slowly. Painfully slow.

“Do it properly.” Changkyun protested.

“You didn’t -” He took a deep breath while lowering his body. “- specify the way. Hurry.” He rose his body and exhaled.

“Fine, Jooheon you’re next.” Changkyun said.

“Umm.” The said guy scratched his head. “Hoseok?”

“Truth.” He showed his gums.

“Would you lick a toilet seat for 100 bucks?”

“Yeah.” 

Hyungwon snorted and Minhyuk turned to look at the taller. He wasn’t sweating. Yet. But his face was rosy.

“That’s a boring question.” Changkyun commented.

“But it’s a gross one.” Hyunwoo admitted.

“Alright.” Minhyuk said while looking at Hyunwoo.

“Dare.”

“Write your name using your butt.”

“Fine.” The oldest stood up and started to do what he was asked. Minhyuk chuckled while the rest laughed.

Minhyuk also started hearing Hyungwon’s more defined and rough breathing. However, he didn’t dare to look.

“Changkyun.” Hyunwoo said. “I dare you to – “ 

“But I haven’t decided yet.” 

“You did.”

Changkyun groaned. “What is it?”

“Go to your ex’s IG and like every single post going back to summer.”

“Hell no.” He took the bottle, poured himself a shot, and drained it. “Not in this universe.” He muttered shortly after.

“I knew it.” Hyunwoo cackled.

“Why?” Minhyuk wondered. 

“Because – “ It was Hyungwon. It made the red-haired guy turn to look at the taller.

“- Changkyun-ah sucks at –“ He harshly inhaled.

“Okay, stop gossiping in the back.” Hoseok said. “Minnyuga, truth or dare?” 

“Let’s go with a dare.”

Hoseok grinned. “Go to the kitchen and take a big bite of a cucumber.” 

Minhyuk huffed out a short sigh. “Not today, satan, not today.” He reached for the bottle and poured himself a shot.

“How do you even know I hate cucumbers?” He said after taking it. 

“Jooheon shared this piece of info.” 

“So you don’t like cucumbers, huh?” He felt Hyungwon’s presense. His hair was rumpled and he was a little out of breath but otherwise, he didn’t look too affected.

“Yeah.” Minhyuk, said swallowing.

“How do you feel?” Changkyun asked. “Are you ready for your next one?”

“Changkyun, please no.”

“Please, yes. Truth or dare?”

Hyungwon sighed. “Dare.” 

“Sniff every single person and rank them from least to most pleasant ones.” 

Jooheon laughed out loud. 

“Don’t turn me into a weirdo.” Hyungwon looked at Changkyun pleadingly. 

“- or you can get butt slapped by each of us.” Changkyun’s corners of the mouth lifted upwards.

Hyungwon heavily sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Alright, Jooheon-ah, lean over.”

The younger did and Hyungwon sniffed the other.

“It tickles.” Jooheon pulled back landing a hand where Hyungwon was sniffing a moment ago.

“Sorry.” Hyungwon said. “Come here.” Hyungwon pointed at Changkyun. “Even though I know how your petty ass smells like.” 

“You know you like it.” Changkyun pulled back a bit of his sweater to give the taller better access to his neck.

“Yeah, still the same.” Hyungwon said after Changkyun returned to his seat.

He then turned towards Minhyuk, his whole body was facing him.

“But I – “ Minhyuk said.

Before he could finish Hyungwon wrapped a hand around his left shoulder, leaning towards the right side of his neck. He was hovering but not quite touching. However, Minhyuk thought his heart skipped a beat when he felt Hyungwon’s warm breath on his neck.

When he was done first thing first Hyungwon looked at Minhyuk straight into the eye.

Dark, smoldering eyes. _“Damn.”_ Minhyuk thought to himself.

“Okay.” Hyungwon abruptly stood up and moved to where the oldest duo was. “You are next.”

Hyungwon returned to his seat and mulled something for a moment.

“So?” It was Jooheon.

“Who smells the worst?” Hyunwoo asked.

“It’s not that any of you smell bad but Hoseok wears a very loud perfume. Not a fan.”

“I knew it.” The said guy pouted. 

“I cannot help that you spray half of the bottle upon leaving the house.” Hyungwon smiled.

“Okay, who is second worst?” 

Hyungwon’s eyes landed on Jooheon.

“Me?” 

“Jo Malone, is it?”

“How do you know?” Jooheon gasped. 

“Well, I just know it. And it’s not that it smells bad I think it totally suits you, it’s just -” Hyungwon pursed his lips in a tight line. Everyone was waiting for continuation but it never came.

“Then goes Hyunwoo.” He briefly looked at the oldest. 

“Does it mean – ?” Changkyun started. 

“You are second, Changkyun-ah. I liked Minhyuk’s best.”

“Interesting.” The youngest looked at the red-haired guy.

“Okay, Minhyuk come here.” Changkyun motioned.

“Stop it. Your kinks are showing.” Hyungwon laughed and the rest picked it up.

A little conversation started when Hyugwon sneakily looked at Minhyuk who already had his eyes on the taller.

Minhyuk felt his face make an expression but he didn’t know what it was supposed to mean.

Hyungwon leaned forwards and lowered his voice. "You are blushing."

"You didn't do it on purpose, did you?" Minhyuk muttered.

Hyungwon pulled back in order to look at the older. He bit inside his cheek and then he said. "Why do you think so?"

"I didn't wear any cologne today and you know it." Minhyuk's tone was harsh but his facial expression said otherwise.

Hyungwon let his eyes roam across the room. 

"No. I really liked your scent the best. Changkyun wanted to embarrass me. I had no intention to put you in an uncomfortable position. I am sorry if I did." He said, with a brief sideways glance that pierced Minhyuk to the heart.

"No, it's - "Minhyuk started but Hyungwon didn't listen anymore. 

“Okay, Changkyun, truth or dare?” Hyungwon asked.

“We are discussing something here.” The youngest objected.

“Well, I guess you are done for now. Truth or dare, you little shit. I just realized you skipped me twice.” 

"So you finally noticed." The corners of Changkyun’s mouth twitched. "All right, bring it on."


	10. Truth or Dare pt.2

**Twenty-first of November, 9: 03 PM**

_"So you finally noticed." The corners of Changkyun’s mouth twitched. "All right, bring it on."_

“Act like a dog until the end of the game.” Hyungwon's voice was low. “Hoseok, rub behind his ear or something.” He finished while reaching for a bottle.

“Oh come on.” Changkyun muttered.

“Why? It’s a good one.” Hoseok raked a hand through Changkyun’s hair.

“And don’t forget to bark.” Hyungwon glanced at the youngest before pouring a shot and chugging the substance down.

“Did I hit the nerve?” The youngest muttered to himself, followed by Minhyuk’s bewildered look. 

“I am waiting.”

“Woof.”

“Good boy.”

“Pick your second target.” It was Jooheon.

Hyungwon looked at the two guys who were sitting across from him. “Hyunwoo.”

“Yeh?” The oldest said while shoving a handful of chips inside his mouth.

“Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He said as he started to crunch through the chips.

“Who do you like the least in this room and why?”

“W-what?” He choked on the food. 

“Is it too mean of a question?” Hyungwon looked at the ceiling while easing himself on his hands.

“Fine, who is the sexiest person in this room? Let’s see what your preferences are.” 

Hyunwoo didn’t say anything until he chewed everything thoroughly. “No one.” Hyunwoo said locking his eyes on Hyungwon.

“You picked the wrong question. For example, the cutest would be Jooheon while the most handsome would have to be y - ”

“Hyunwoo, I didn’t ask you for explanations." Hyungwon interrupted. " It was just a question. Drink up.” 

Hyunwoo kept his eyes fixed on the tallest for a little while. Then he heaved a heavy sigh and accepted his punishment. 

“What’s got into you?” Changkyun asked.

Hyungwon’s frosty gaze fell on the youngest.

“Woof.”

“Paw.” He extended his hand in Changkyun’s direction.

The youngest made a whining sound while reaching out. The taller rubbed the back of Changkyun’s hand while whispering. ‘Good boy’.

“I need a cigarette.” He then stood up, found his jacket, and headed out of the door.

“Ugh.” Changkyun groaned in frustration. “Did I overdo it?” He scratched the back of his head.

“Nah.” Hyunwoo shoved another handful of chips. “He has been like that for a while.” He shrugged.

“What do you mean?” Jooheon asked while reaching for a bottle of wine and pouring himself a glass.

“Hyungwon - ” Hoseok made a noise in the back of his throat. “- is very unpredictable, irritable at times but what you are seeing is a bluff facade. Something’s is bugging him but he likes to keep too much to himself.”

“Did something happen?” It was Minhyuk.

The youngest shrugged. “He has his ups and downs.”

“Watch him – “Hoseok pointed at the front door “ – walk through that door in five minutes looking all mellow and calm.” 

Minhyuk loudly sighed. 

“What is it?” Jooheon turned Minhyuk’s way.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen him like this.”

“Eh.” Changkyun chimed in. ”Really?”

“What do you mean?” He glanced the younger’s way.

“You’ve never seen him being mean just for the heck of it?” 

The red-haired guy shook his head.

“Huh.” Changkyun and Hyunwoo exchanged glances. He then leaned against the back of the couch. “Hyungwon is blunt and people think he doesn’t have an inner censor.”

At this, both Jooheon and Hoseok snickered. 

“As if you have one.” Jooheon commented.

The youngest glared at the black-haired guy but a moment later his eyes were back on Minhyuk.

“ – but the thing is that he holds himself back.” He brushed some strands of hair from his face. “ – because when he wants to hurt, he knows where exactly to poke a sharp stick.” Changkyun curled his fingers into a fist and swiftly twisted it to the left and right.

Minhyuk barely managed to open his mouth when there was a loud smack.

“Ouch.” Changkyun looked over his shoulder with a tearful expression, soothing the angry place on his shoulder where Hoseok hit.

“Stop blabbering nonsense.” Hoseok rolled his eyes.

“Changkyun is a depressive drunk.” Hyunwoo said, shoving into his mouth yet something else. 

“No, actually – “ Hyunwoo licked his fingers “ – both of them are but Changkyun - ah is all Edgar Poe vibes when he has too much whiskey. Don’t let him spook you.” He looked straight at Minhyuk.

“I am not.” The youngest frowned. 

“No one is innocent but as long as Hyungwon is honest it means he cares.” 

At this Changkyun snickered. “Hyung, you will scare them even more with your philosophy.”

“At least I am not someone who projects.” Hyunwoo looked at the youngest, quirking his left eyebrow.

“Who is projecting?” His tone was defensive.

“It’s okay, Changkyun-ah.” Hoseok patted him on the shoulder. “We’ve watched you for long enough to know that you share the same brain cell between the two of you. So much wasted potential. The cool exterior, the fire below.” He gently smiled.

Changkyun maintained eye contact for a while but then he smacked the hand away ‘oh really?’ He turned to look at Jooheon next.

“Do you see what I have to deal with? They've been doing nothing but dissing me.” He said in a high pitched, dramatic voice.

Jooheon snickered. “You were the first to stir the pot.” 

“No.” Changkyun struggled to stand up. “It was chaebugi, It’s his fault.” He muttered while sullenly trudging away.

“Chaebugi?”

“Hyungwon’s nickname from high school.” Hoseok explained.

“It’s cute.” Minhyuk mumbled.

At this, the front door screeched. Hyungwon walked inside, throwing his shoes off without a care. 

“Where is my pup?” Hyungwon asked, walking towards the table.

“Bathroom.” Jooheon looked his way.

“Hmm.” Hyungwon’s steps were soft as he reached the place where Hyunwoo and Hoseok were sitting.

“What is it?” Hyunwoo looked up, meeting eyes with Hyungwon. His cheeks were lit up a rosy color.

“Nothing.” He smirked before shoving a handful of snow under his shirt. 

“Fuu- “ Hyunwoo slapped the hand away while fidgeting and trying to get rid of the snow.

The room filled with laughter and cursing.

“Are you in elementary school?” Hyunwoo breathed out when all of the snow melted under his sweater and onto the carpet. 

Hyungwon sat down. “It was meant for Changkyun.”

“What was meant for me?” The youngest appeared while drying his hands over his pants. 

“Getting snow under your clothes.” Hyunwoo rambled while squirming in his place.

The youngest snorted. He reached for a bottle of soju and filled everyone’s glass.

“I think I will have to say no to this one.” Minhyuk looked at the drink in front of him.

“The fun is just about to begin. Hurry, hurry.” Changkyun urged the rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was determined to make only two parts but it ended up being too long. The least I want to do is to tire people out but then again...it seems dull. ╰（‵□′）╯


	11. Truth or Dare pt.3

**Twenty-first of November, 11: 46 PM**

_“The fun is just about to begin. Hurry, hurry.” Changkyun urged the rest._

Minhyuk dared Hyunwoo to dance to Twice’s Cheer up which he successfully did. Then, Minhyuk was dared to sing a serenade. 

Hoseok asked Jooheon about the most embarrassing moment. He talked about a moment where he danced in a church when he was a middle-schooler. Weirdly enough Minhyuk had that specific video saved on his phone. 

Changkyun dared Hyungwon to use only pet names until the end of the game.

“Come on!” Hyungwon grunted. “That’s lame.”

“You made me act like a dog, _woof_. You don’t have a say, _woof_.”

Hyungwon sighed. 

“Honey?” He looked at Jooheon.

“Nah, people call him _honey_ on a daily basis.” The youngest protested.

“Peach it is.” Hyungwon said and before anyone could say anything else he continued. 

“Cinnamon bun.” He said looking at Changkyun.

“You have no imagination.” The named guy whined.

“Cookie.” He said looking at Hoseok. “Caramel.” He said to Hyunwoo.

Then he turned to his left, meeting eyes with Minhyuk. Hyungwon narrowed his eyes for the shortest moment. “Sugar.” He said before turning away.

“Food themed.” Hoseok pointed out.

“It’s cute.” Hyunwoo muttered while swishing whiskey inside his glass.

“Well – “ Hyungwon started while raking a hand through his hair. “I was going with a feeling what stripper name each of you would exude but you can say it’s cute as well, Caramel.” Hyungwon grinned while looking at Hyunwoo.

Jooheon huffed. “Stripper names?”

“Try to imagine Cookie on the pole, it’s amusing.”

All five pairs of eyes looked at the second oldest.

“What?” Hoseok rolled his eyes. 

“Wait, why am I cinnamon bun then?” Changkyun said pointing an index finger at himself. “It’s not sexy.”

“Because you’ve got great buns.” Hyungwon half laughed. 

“Oh!” Changkyun muttered, a victorious shit-eating grin was playing on his lips. “I can live with it.”

“Alright.” Jooheon said, tapping on Hyungwon’s right thigh. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” The older stifled a yawn.

“The worst date you’ve been on?”

Hyungwon made a thinking face. “Well – “ His eyes flickered towards the youngest. “I guess –“ He dragged the words. 

“Just say it.” Changkyun waved his hand.

“The first semester into high school Cinnamon bun signed me up to this one date.” Hyungwon gritted his teeth.

“The girl was plainly horrendous.” He froze for a second.

“Well, she was tall, hourglass and – “ He turned into a statue for yet another moment.

“No, not like that.” He shook his head.

“She was plainly dumb. I called this prick when she went to freshen and by that, I mean to cake her already masked face even more.” His hand found its way to his hair again.

“I was so frustrated that I couldn’t do anything but complain but then – “Hyungwon glared at the youngest. 

“This idiot showed up and played the role of my jealous boyfriend. The girl splashed her stupid Starbucks drink on me. It was simply horrible.” Hyungwon said under his breath.

“But funny.” Changkyun laughed.

“Wait – “ Jooheon interrupted. “The girl didn’t know you?” He looked at the youngest.

Changkyun shook his head. “It was a friend of a friend.”

“Ah, okay.” Jooheon said.

“But that’s not the end of the story. Because of _you_ and her big mouth I was labeled as a gay.” Hyungwon huffed in frustration. 

“What’s the deal?” Changkyun asked. “You switch both ways. It’s me who should be upset. It took a lot of effort to explain that I am interested only in chicks.” Changkyun said with a melodramatic roll of the eye.

“You do?” It was Jooheon once again, turning Hyungwon's way.

Hyungwon said nothing.

“I would have never guessed.”

“I just happen not to have a gender preference.” Hyungwon exhaled. “Hoseok is of the same breed. It’s fine. I don’t consider myself a freak.”

“I’ve known about Hoseok but you – “Jooheon made a brief pause. 

“Why? Do you think it’s a waste?” At this Hyungwon cast a glance at Jooheon, making sure they made eye contact.

“Oh no.” Jooheon lifted his hands up in the air. “I was just thinking that the girls must be upset that the competition is stronger.” He showed his dimples. 

“Minhyuk, are you okay? You look pale.” Hoseok wondered.

“No, it’s nothing.” He gave a dismissive wave of his hand. “Just a little bit drunk.”

Hyungwon slightly turned his head but before he could look straight at Minhyuk Hyunwoo urged the taller to continue with the game.

Hyungwon dared Hoseok to drink a concussion that he made. It was a mix of every kind of alcohol that they had. A single cocktail cherry was mockingly laughing at the chestnut-haired guy. 

While Hoseok was forcing the substance down, trying not to spit the poison out Minhyuk silently rose to his feet. 

“Sugar?” Hyungwon muttered while snaking a hand around the elder’s wrist. The motion forced Minhyuk to turn around. 

Hyungwon felt his eyes on him but he was preoccupied with what was directly in front of him. He ever so gently ran a thumb across his skin. 

Back and force. Once. Then twice. 

But then he realized what he was doing so he looked up, peering straight into Minhyuk’s glassy eyes. But they weren’t only glassy. There was more depth, meaning to them. _What was that?_

Minhyuk stood frozen above Hyungwon.

“Bathroom.” He mouthed before breaking himself free and walking away.

“Huh.” Hyungwon thought to himself. 

“Why did he stop him? Why did he ask him in the first place?” Hyungwon didn’t have an answer. 

The only thing he knew is that emotions whirled in waves through his entire body, uneasiness being the chief among them.

Every fiber of his being was telling him it was an ominous portent. 

He knew it, he felt it then why. Then why a part of him was being hopeful? Hopeful for what?

He didn’t get to answer that question as well because Changkyun’s dramatic under normal circumstances but now inhumane, borderline demonic laughter brought Hyungwon back to reality. 

“Hoseok, don’t you dare to throw up!” Changkyun wheezed between the giggles.

Hoseok looked pathetic. Both Hyunwoo and Hoseok were steady drinkers but their ways were very old-fashioned. They never mixed their alcohol. They tended to have a glass of water next to their drink as well. Anything that crossed their normality line would lead to a poor outcome. 

Hyungwon started to think he would shed a tear merely due to all of the shuddering of his body that reacted to the substance.

“Hoseok, that’s enough.” Hyungwon mumbled drunkenly. 

“Oh hell no!” Changkyun yelled. “Come on, you can do this.”

“Enough.” Hyunwoo took the glass from Hoseok away.

“Thank fucking god! I thought I might actually die if I had to finish that.” Hoseok harshly sighed while falling onto his back. 

“Boo.” Changkyun pouted his lips. 

“You’re the devil.” Jooheon laughed. He swayed from side to side before hitting Hyungwon’s shoulder.

“Hyungwon started it.” Changkyun pointed out.

“Oh right.” Jooheon mumbled while yawning.

“Tired?” Hyungwon wrapped a hand around the younger’s shoulder.

“I think we should call it a night.” Hyunwoo said while poking at a now mushy Hoseok.

Hyungwon looked at the oldest. He didn’t look any different from his usual, reserved self except for a major Asian glow. It made Hyungwon release the smallest chuckle. 

“Where is Minhyuk?” Changkyun addressed Hyungwon’s elephant in the room. 

“He went to use the bathroom.” Hyungwon said quietly.

“It was a while ago.” Changkyun’s watery, red-rimmed eyes found Hyungwon’s.

Hyungwon half shrugged while Jooheon snuggled into the taller’s shoulder even more. “He was so quiet today.” He muttered with his eyes closed.

“Where do we sleep?” Hyunwoo scrambled up. “Come on.” He tugged Hoseok by the hand. “Let’s go to bed.” 

“There are three bedrooms.” Jooheon muttered. “It’s up to you.”

“Changkyun, you will sleep with me, right?” Hyungwon looked at the youngest.

“You’ve been sniffling for a while.” He whined. 

“So?” It was Hoseok who sat up, expressively yawning.

“I think he is upset I might snore.” Hyungwon giggled.

“So is Jooheon.” Minhyuk said walking towards the table.

At this Jooheon chuckled. “Minnyuga has horrible sleeping habits as well.”

“Oh please, at least I – “ Minhyuk started but the moment Hyungwon looked at him out of the corner of his eye the older stopped, looking away a moment later. 

“I’ll sleep with Hoseok.” Hyunwoo started. 

“Hyungwon you can sleep with Jooheon and you – “ He looked at the youngest. “You can sleep with Minhyuk. Is it okay, mister?”

“You’ve never complained about sharing a bed with Hyungwon though.” It was Hoseok who also cast a glance at the youngest.

“No, I – “ Changkyun started but then abandoned the idea. “I was just kidding. I will sleep with Hyungwon –ah.” He let his head fall against the couch. 

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon started.

“Y-yes?” The red-haired guy looked at the taller. His gaze was murky and dilated.

“Take Jooheonnie upstairs.”

The said guy already started to doze off on Hyungwon’s shoulder.

“Oh.” Minhyuk uttered. “Honey.” He approached the other two. “Come, let’s go to bed.”

Jooheon mumbled something before opening his eyes. 

“Hi.” Hyungwon watched closely as Minhyuk caressed the younger’s cheek. 

“Hey.” Jooheon dumbly said upon opening his clouded eyes.

“Heavy – ho.” He helped Jooheon to stand up and both of them started to head upstairs. 

“Good night.” Jooheon sing sang before they disappeared out of view.

“Okay.” Hoseok stretched. “Good night, guys.” He waved while taking his hoodie in the process and disappearing upstairs shortly after. 

“It’s messy.” Hyunwoo was still standing and overlooking the table.

“It’s okay.” Hyungwon’s tone was soft. “Go to bed, I will clean a little bit.”

“Cool. Let Changkyun help you.” Hyunwoo started to shuffle towards the bedroom, quietly whistling a familiar song. 

The silence that followed seemed to last an eternity.

Hyungwon reached for an unfinished Jooheon’s glass of wine and took a big gulp of it. 

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon muttered while putting the glass down and shuffling on all fourth where Changkyun was sitting.

The younger’s head was still pulled back. Hyungwon noticed his languid blinking.

“Go to Jooheon’s bedroom, I was sleeping there yesterday. I can sleep on the couch tonight.” He gently ran a hand through the dark-haired guy’s hair.

“Hyungwon – ah.” He grabbed Hyungwon’s moving hand.

“Hmm?”

“It was fun.”

Hyungwon chuckled. “It was. Jooheon is a sweetheart.”

There was a pause.

“ – but you lied to me.” Changkyun slightly turned to the left in order to look at Hyungwon.

“Did I?” Hyungwon raised his eyebrows. 

“Minhyuk – “Changkyun bit onto his lower lip. “- he looks at you the way Yujun used to.” 

The youngest waited before Hyungwon’s eyes got round. Then he looked away.

Hyungwon took a harsh breath in. “What are you talking about?” He took his hand away.

“You noticed it as well, didn’t you?” Changkyun was back to looking at the ceiling. “He is a lot like him.” 

“No.” Hyungwon backed a little away. “He is not.”

“He is.” Changkyun’s voice was even quieter. “Cheerful, positive, talkative, sunny and – “

Hyungwon harshly sighed. “He avoided looking at me through half of the evening. Don’t be ridiculous.” 

Changkyun ignored the said words. “Do you like him?” At this, the youngest looked straight at Hyungwon. 

Hyungwon didn’t answer. He silently stood up and started to gather the empty glasses. 

“Do you?” 

Hyungwon stopped doing whatever he was doing for the shortest period of time. Then he exhaled a tired sigh. “There is an indescribable tension between us but – “ 

“Hyungwon – “Changkyun raised to his feet and went to where the older was. He squished his cheeks and looked straight into his eyes.

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon secured the younger by his waist. He was swaying too much.

“Do you or do you not - ?” Changkyun started to fumble his cheeks as if it was dough. “ – like him?”

Hyungwon released a sigh. “Maybe.”

“Maybe is not an answer.” He pinched his right cheek.

“Oww” Hyungwon exclaimed. 

“Hyungwon, it’s okay to move on.” He stroke his slightly red cheek before letting go. 

“Now, if you excuse me – “ Changkyun hiccupped. 

“Don’t take the whole bed.” Hyungwon said to the swaying away guy. 

Hyungwon listened to the silence in the house. The calm. Everyone was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is the clown? (∪.∪ )
> 
> It was supposed to be 1.4k words max…
> 
> Anyway…it’s mainly MX members but I did use a couple of random names like Sana, and Red velvet names…I am sure I will use even more in the future but I would like to point out that ‚Yujun‘ is a fictional name…it doesn’t have a face. It’s on you guys…you can imagine that person however you like. This name only came up once at the very beginning of the story…I hope it was at least a little bit memorable because he is the key to Hyungwon’s past.


	12. Ambitions

**Twenty-second of November, 5: 24 AM**

On Sunday, Hyungwon woke to a quiet house. Everything was still apart from a monotone ticking of the clock. 

When he heard a bird’s screeching he slightly moved his head towards the window. It was still dark outside. He tried to collect his thoughts when he noticed a silhouette sitting next to the couch. 

Hyungwon never returned to the bedroom. After Changkyun left, it took him another half an hour to clean the mess. Afterward, he went to take a shower. He knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep right away so he went down to the living room. He played games until he successfully managed to pass out.

He reached out and tapped on the other's shoulder. “What are you doing?” His voice was raspy, laced with sleep.

Startled, the other jumped. “Silly Hyungwon-ah.” The red-haired guy turned around and leaned on Hyungwon. 

It was at this moment that he realized there was a blanket draped over his body. Hyungwon’s mind was clouded. He had a hard time comprehending what was going on. But then he felt a terrible scratching in his throat. He loudly coughed which was accompanied by vigorous sneezing.

“I knew it.” Minhyuk mumbled while moving even closer to the taller, placing his hand on Hyungwon’s forehead next. “Do you feel sick?”

The sun started to rise but it was still too dark for Hyungwon to see Minhyuk’s facial features properly.

“I am fine.” The taller avoided the older’s touch. He sat up and ran a hand through his still damp hair.

“Not only did you fall asleep without covering yourself but you didn’t dry your hair as well.” The older tsked while standing up and disappearing upstairs. 

A minute and a half later Minhyuk reappeared with a blow dryer in his hands. He switched on the lamp that was situated on an end table next to the couch. After plugging it in he jumped on a coach, making sure Hyungwon’s back was facing him.

“I can do this myself.” Hyungwon was about to turn around and grab the blow dryer but Minhyuk slapped the younger’s hand away.

“It’s okay, I will do it.” He said, giggling. 

Upon turning the blow dryer on he started to divide Hyungwon’s hair into sections. He first started at the back, slowly moving to the front of his head. Gently, carefully he was flipping Hyungwon’s hair over, making sure he dried it at the roots.

He continued through all of the sections until he was left with only the top one. He made Hyungwon tilt his head slightly backward in order for him to have better access.

Hyungwon was patiently sitting with his eyes closed but something clicked within his mind and he opened them when Minhyuk’s hand found its way to his face.

Upon looking up he was immediately met with Minhyuk’s ones.

 _What is it? Is he flustered?_ Crossed Hyungwon’s mind. He slightly opened his mouth when Minhyuk’s fingers reached his jawline. 

He was about to say something when Minhyuk channeled a flow of hot air directly at Hyungwon.

“Tilt your head properly.” Minhyuk laughed at Hyungwon’s grimace.

* * *

“All done.” Minhyuk turned off the blow dryer and put it aside. His hand was still running through Hyungwon’s hair.

“It got so long.” He mumbled while gently securing a lock of Hyungwon’s hair at the crown and following its length ever so gently, pulling the hair upwards by the end of it. 

“Yeah.” Hyungwon was quiet for a moment, enjoying his hair being played with. “It’s getting unruly though. I have an appointment soon. I want to dye it as well.”

Minhyuk’s hand stopped moving. “What color?”

Hyungwon shrugged. “I was thinking of dirty blond vibes but I haven’t decided yet.”

Minhyuk hummed. “I like your natural self but I am sure you will look hot regardless of the color.” Minhyuk chuckled.

 _Hot._ Hyungwon thought to himself. _Is he talking about hair or him? Both?_

“You know – “ Hyungwon made sure he was facing the older.

“Hmm?” Minhyuk slightly tilted his head to the right.

His eyes were pale, tired, and preoccupied but there was nothing in his expression that could give Hyungwon any indication of what Minhyuk could be thinking.

What did he want to say?

Ah. Yes. He initially wanted to let the cat out of the bag. 

Hyungwon wanted to ask the reason behind Minhyuk’s blatant flirting.

What was the point? What were his intentions? 

But then Hyungwon remembered the chat he had with Changkyun the previous night and it became clearly yet painfully obvious that -

Hyungwon liked the guy who was sitting in front of him, blinking innocently. 

He wanted him. But here is the twist, he didn’t want to want him.

Minhyuk’s erratic, all over the place personality was very appealing in Hyungwon's eyes but the feeling of being in the dark prevailed. This feeling of uneasiness never left Hyungwon ever since meeting the older.

“What is it?” Minhyuk asked.

Hyungwon blinked. Frowned and then abandoned the idea.

“What the hell.” He muttered to himself. 

“Huh?”

“No.” Hyungwon shook his head. “Nothing.” He swung his legs out of the couch. “Forget about it.” And shuffled straight into the kitchen.

What was the point of coming clean if Minhyuk would probably laugh it off? And that was the best case scenario. 

Who said he was into guys? Hyungwon smelled the girl’s perfume, noticed lipstick stains on his clothes on a regular basis. 

Was it not a painfully obvious answer to his question?

Hyungwon harshly sighed while approaching the kitchen island. 

It was Changkyun. Hyungwon didn’t read into things too much. Well, not until the younger planted the idea. Now he felt stupid.

Hyungwon misinterpreted his friendliness for flirting. Wasn't he the worst?

Hyungwon opened the cabinet and took two coffee singles out. 

_And even if there is a possibility he likes me he would probably be put off if I come on too strong._ Hyungwon thought to himself. 

“Shit.” He slammed the cabinet shut.

_I would never force anyone into anything but knowing his goofy personality he –_

“What’s going on?” Minhyuk asked from the back of the kitchen.

_Holding onto these feelings. Running away from them. Wanting to give up._

_But -_

_Isn’t it a little sad to give up on them without giving them a shot?_

“I can’t.” He muttered to himself.

“What is it that you can’t?” Minhyuk was about to pat Hyungwon on the shoulder but in the end he didn’t. He slightly leaned forward so his face was within Hyungwon’s vision.

_It’s painful._

“Hyungwon –ah?”

The younger slightly turned in order to meet the older’s gaze. His dark eyes were wide and curious, the tiniest smile was playing on his lips. 

God, he is beautiful. Hyungwon thought. And inside he ached. 

The next moment he noticed Minhyuk’s dark circles. Speaking of which, when did he wake up?

“It’s nothing.” Hyungwon lifted the weight from one leg to another. “Just thinking that nothing’s forever and life is by definition temporary and always changing.” 

He watched Minhyuk’s face losing color, his hardly noticeable but a smile nonetheless disappeared as well.

Hyungwon saw the pain in Minhyuk’s eyes and instantly regretted saying it. He saw the older try to say something but he failed and ended up shrugging his shoulders instead.

 _Was he just nervous, or did he not know what to say? He didn’t take it personally, did he?_ Hyungwon reached for the kettle and poured the hot water in both of the cups. 

It’s not that the older could read his mind. He knew he didn’t give him any indications then why did his words affect him?

Hyungwon learned early into the life that there is something beneath the surface with people like Minhyuk that make them act the way they do. 

But was Hyungwon someone who should care? Was he supposed to be the one to sacrifice everything in order to make the other comfortable? Or maybe it was so much easier and it was Hyungwon’s selfishness speaking?

He couldn't come to a conclusion at that specific moment but it was okay. He was tired of making apologies for who he is anyway.

He wanted a smoke, and he knew that a cigarette on the porch was going to taste good.

“Here you go.” Hyungwon moved one of the cups towards the older. “And -” There was a brief pause. “ – thanks for the hair.” 

He walked past Minhyuk and out of the kitchen. 

“Hyungw – “ Minhyuk started but at this moment Hyunwoo almost ran into the taller.

“Woah.” Hyunwoo’s voice was thick with remnants of sleep. “You guys are up.” He yawned. 

“Morning.” Hyungwon muttered while walking towards the coat rack.

“Minnyuga, what are you drinking?” Hyunwoo asked.

“Hyungwon made some coffee.” Minhyuk’s now lifeless voice rang inside Hyungwon’s mind before he shut out all the noises by stepping out.

The thing is that Hyungwon heard the older. He was just choosing to ignore him. He managed to avoid the other throughout the entire day.

* * *

It was almost midnight when Hyungwon got back to his apartment. He undressed without care, picked a fresh towel, and lethargically paced straight to the bathroom.

He stood in front of the mirror, waiting for the water to get hot as he watched the condensation to spread across the mirror.

He heard his phone start to ring and he knew it was Changkyun who was ready to yell at him for behaving like an asshole.

Reasons, instructions, excuses, and orders. Should he ignore it? 

The only thing he wished at that specific moment was to entirely break free.

_He filled his lungs and screamed._


	13. Still the same

The thermometer kept on dropping so it wasn’t surprising a couple of days later karma finally came to collect. Time was beginning to blur but Hyungwon kept on dragging himself to all of the lectures. 

Like any other person, Hyungwon could be lazy and he was contemplating skipping a day or two in order to get better but he couldn’t. 

Not when taking all of the possible anti-inflammatories and antipyretics topped with sleeping pills still managed to keep Hyungwon awake. He would lay at night shivering, watching illuminated snowflakes sift outside the window while heavy, dark thoughts were lurking inside his mind.

* * *

  
**Twenty-sixth of November, 10:35 PM**

On Thursday night he still agreed to meet with Sanghyuk. However, it was one of those oppressive days we sometimes have. It resulted in Hyungwon being broody, antisocial, and tightlipped. Three drinks somehow managed to bring him into drunken, feverish somnambulism. But at least his chances to get a good night of sleep skyrocketed, right?

“Are you sure you will be fine?” Sanghyuk asked when both of them reached Hyungwon’s apartment building.

“Yes.” Hyungwon muttered. His face was flushed but it wasn't only due to probable fever or alcohol. He reached a new level of embarrassment. The other guy who wasn’t even his close friend went out of his way to bring him home. He wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

“I owe you one.” Hyungwon muttered under his breath. 

“It’s okay.” The other laughed. “Stay home tomorrow.”

The guy patted Hyungwon on the shoulder and the next moment he was walking away.

Hyungwon did the same. He was about to enter his apartment building when he abruptly turned around while yelling ‘Hyuk!’

Sanghyuk stopped in his tracks, looking over his shoulder an instant later. 

However, he wasn’t the only one to stop. There was one more person who did the same.

“What is it?” Sanghyuk yelled back.

“Can I copy your notes later?” Hyungwon’s voice wasn’t as ambitious anymore.

“You know you can.” Sanghyuk’s voice rang across an empty street. “Don’t forget to take your meds.” After these words, the other was gone for good.

But Hyungwon didn’t hurry to go inside. He waited for a moment. And then another one.

“How long are you going to stand there?” Hyungwon coughed.

“Uhh.” Minhyuk started to walk and a couple of seconds later he was next to Hyungwon.

The taller pushed the front door with his shoulder and let Minhyuk in first.

“Thanks.” He muttered before walking in.

“You’re upset.” Hyungwon stated in a soft tone but it had a raspy edge.

“Why do you think so?” The older clenched onto his bag even more.

“You look like you want to be anywhere but here.” 

The elevator arrived and both of them stepped out.

The older was struggling with his lock when Hyungwon spoke.

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon said while twisting the key.

“Y-yes?”

“I am sorry.” He took the key out but he didn’t rush to open the door. He turned to look straight at a puzzled, red-haired guy.

Minhyuk swallowed. “You did nothing wrong.” And then he inhaled.

Hyungwon shook his head. “I was a jerk to you on Sunday. I never meant to make you uncomfortable let alone upset you, but that would be a lie, right?"

The taller sarcastically snorted. "I ended up making you a scapegoat of my feelings.”

Minhyuk finally looked up. He watched Hyungwon lean against the frame of the door, his eyes were disoriented and his face was bright pink.

“I really am sorry.” Hyungwon’s breathing became ragged.

Under normal circumstances a person would say either ‘It's okay, I forgive you’ or ‘Go to hell’ but somehow Hyungwon knew the older would say nothing. After a good moment had passed Hyungwon reached for a doorknob and opened the door. 

“That’s all I wanted to say. Good night.” And with these words he was gone, leaving Minhyuk to dumbly stand in the corridor.

 _“I don’t care about that, stupid Hyungwon-ah.”_ Minhyuk muttered to himself.

 _“I am more upset about the guy who walked you.”_ His gaze fell on his shoes.

 _“Fuck.”_ He said before rushing inside his own apartment.

* * *

Hyungwon took his shoes off and began to feel for a light switch when suddenly he saw something, no someone by the window.

Hyungwon’s first reaction was to be struck with shock. “A thief?”

But then he started to take in the features of the other. A silhouette in a black bomber jacket was standing motionless across the room by the window.

Hyungwon sighed and switched the lights on.

“What are you doing here?” Hyungwon started taking his jacket off.

The shadowy figure, now material and visible turned around. It was Changkyun. He seemed on the verge of making some remark but when he looked directly at Hyungwon his eyes got wide.

They stood staring at each other for a moment or two.

“Changkyun.” Hyungwon repeated. “What are you doing here? I know I gave you the key but it was for emergencies only.” He huffed. 

“What happened to you?” Changkyun made a couple of steps in order to close the distance between the two of them.

“What do you mean?” Hyungwon looked up, his lips were tight. Changkyun could tell the older was irritated.

“You are burning up.” He touched him by the cheek.

“I am fine.” He smacked the hand away. It made a loud sound.

Changkyun sighed. “Hyungwon.”

“Hyungwon what?” The older whispered. “Hyungwon what?” He said louder.

“Bloody hell, Changkyun.” His voice was loud and frustrated. “The fuck are you here for?”

Changkyun’s jaw fell slack. He didn't think the older would be so upset about his unnoticed visit.

“I am sorry, you – “ He started.

“No, I was just wor – “ He was looking past Hyungwon, concentrating his attention on one of the pictures that was hanging on the wall.

Hyungwon loudly coughed. “Let me guess. You’re upset I ignored your calls and messages.” He looked up at the ceiling. 

“Ah, I suppose you are also upset about Minhyuk’s situation, aren’t you?” He looked down, meeting eyes with the younger. 

“I apologized to him just a moment ago.” He jerked a thumb behind himself. “What else is there, Changkyun? What else did I do to make you barge into my apartment?” His eyes were red and glinting.

Changkyun was looking at Hyungwon for a long and deliberate moment. Then he dropped his gaze and meekly muttered. “I am sorry.”

“Yeah, sure.” The older said tonelessly while walking towards the kitchen. 

Changkyun silently followed him. He watched the older rummage through the pile of medication that was lying on the kitchen island. He then started to go through every type. After he had one of each kind in his left palm he washed them down with a glass of tap water.

Hyungwon exhaled, letting his eyes dart towards the younger. Changkyun was fidgeting on the spot, having the guilty look as if he broke mom’s favorite vase.

“You should go home.” Hyungwon broke the silence. 

“I just need a little space to be my own self.” At this Changkyun looked up. 

“I just need a little freedom to be my own person again.” There was yet another pause. 

“I will call you when I get better, I promise.” Hyungwon’s face got even redder.

“Ughh.” Hyungwon raked a hand through his hair. “My cold is not getting better but these fuckers are hella dopey.” He muttered to himself while languidly blinking.

“Go home, Changkyun-ah.”The taller started towards the bedroom. 

The younger was standing still, mulling something at least for a minute. Then he walked towards the fridge. It was empty except for a couple of waters and beers.

He scratched his head. It was at that moment that he made up his mind.

* * *

**Twenty-seventh of November, 6:55 AM**

Hyungwon woke up with a start. He stared out at the semi-darkness of the room.

“Did you have a nightmare?” A voice whispered by his side. It was warm and soothing.

Hyungwon turned towards Changkyun. His dark, almost black eyes studied his. “Didn’t I tell you to go home?”

The younger sheepishly smiled without responding.

"Anyway." Hyungwon rolled onto his back. “It was wrong of me to lash out at you.” He muttered with his morning husky voice. 

“It’s okay, how is your head?” 

“My brain’s been a mush since returning to Seoul, so – “ Changkyun watched Hyungwon lift his right hand up in the air.

“Stay in bed today.” He crawled over the older. “Are you hungry? I can make you some porridge.”

“My fridge’s empty.” Hyungwon kept on inspecting his wrist, hand, fingers. Changkyun wasn’t sure what exactly.

“I went to the convenience store yesterday but I got you only pocari, jelly and yogurts. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He muttered to himself while slipping into a pair of jeans. “I will go get you some real food.”

“What about classes?”

“I was planning on skipping anyway.” He shrugged.

“Changkyun – ah.” Hyungwon said in a tired yet nagging tone.

“It’s okay. Oh, by the way -” He found the sweatshirt he threw on the floor the previous night. 

“Yeah?”

The younger put his head over the piece of clothing, struggling with sleeves next. “Me being upset about you ignoring me was only half of the isssue.” 

“What?” Hyungwon let his arm drop. “Half?”

The younger noded. “I actually wanted to say that -” He walked towards the bed and dropped to his knees.

“Yes?” Hyungwon’s bleary eyes were searching for something in the younger’s expression.

Changkyun gently ran a hand through Hyungwon’s hair. “Kihyun is coming back.” He said barely above the whisper. 

Hyungwon breathed in quickly. His intake of breath drew Changkyun’s eyes on his.

“It’s okay.” He continued to play with his hair. “Don’t be scared.”

“Do I look like I am scared?” Hyungwon asked, focusing all of his attention on Changkyun.

The younger thickly swallowed. “No.” He continued to brush Hyungwons hair in a casual yet deliberate fashion.

No. He didn’t look scared. On the contrary, quite a striking opposite to what Changkyun thought Hyungwon was going to feel. The younger was a little unnerved by the blank look in Hyungwon’s eyes.

Silence crept back in and the younger wondered what to say next.

“I am hungry.” Hyungwon mumbled while turning away from Changkyun’s touch. 

“Ah.” Changkyun jumped to his feet. “Yes.” He hurried out of the room.

Hyungwon turned to the side, facing the wall. He then curled into a ball. It hit him like a wedge into an opening he had forgotten to seal. _Once again he was consumed with guilt, shame, and darkness that kept on gathering around him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who was curious about Kihyun? I am not even sure he will have a worthy intro in the next chapter but at least he finally made it into the story. lol


	14. Body and soul

Hyungwon ended up staying in bed until the end of the week. Changkyun stayed with him almost the whole time except for a couple of meetings he had to attend. 

He brought his own toothbrush and a razor. Despite the fact that he made sure to not forget a change of underwear he never bothered to bring his own clothes. 

The older found it a little weird but Changkyun, in general, exuded eccentric, at times bizarre ambiance. Him inviting himself over for three days without a word was already enough to give him a solid A on a ‘one of a kind’ aspect.

The weekend passed with them sharing meals and space together but otherwise, they hardly talked. Most of the time Changkyun was staring at the laptop with his headphones on. 

Even though the younger paid Hyungwon almost no attention, he stayed up when Hyungwon had a hard time breathing and changed his lukewarm icepacks whenever his fever was acting up. 

On Sunday evening he disappeared as quietly as he appeared.

* * *

**First of December, 11:56 PM**

On Tuesday evening Hyungwon was lying in his bed trying to read when he was startled by a flash of remembrance.

_Gwangju. High school. It was either late January or early February judging by the brightness of the day and a pile of snow Hyungwon was overlooking from his seat._

_He was leisurely humming a song while leaning on his right elbow, cheek on his closed fist when someone tapped him on the shoulder._

_“Did you wait long?” The guy leaned forward in order to delicately brush Hyungwon’s lips._

_“Hmm.” He dreamily smiled, stifling a yawn but the next moment Hyungwon was curling a hand behind the other’s neck._

_“Not really.” He pecked the other on the lips._

_“How was your practice?” The next kiss Hyungwon gave was more bold and deliberate._

_“Aghh.” The classroom’s door slid wide open. “Spare me with your disgusting, tooth-rotting show of emotions.” A newcomer’s voice rang across the classroom._

_“Yoo Kihyun.” Hyungwon looked over the other guy’s shoulder. “Stop being a bitter bitch. After all, every dog has its day. Be patient and –“_  
_The guy slapped Hyungwon on the shoulder._

_“- ouch.”_

_“Stop it. You know he doesn’t mean it, Ki.” The guy picked Hyungwon’s backpack that was lying on the floor and headed to where Kihyun was standing._

_“Let’s go home, shall we?” He turned to look at Hyungwon and it seemed as if a hidden spotlight had been trained without warning on his face. Yujuns smile was too bright._

At this Hyugnwon’s phone vibrated.

**Minhyuk**

[0:14 a.m.]

Are you sleeping?

Hyungwon typed a quick reply.

No.

The taller didn’t have time to catch his breath when he received another message.

I figured. Open the door for me.

“What?” Hyungwon mumbled to himself when he heard some identified noises outside. A moment later someone started to knock on his balcony door. 

Hyungwon put down his book, threw his phone on a pillow, and went to open the door. He took the other’s features in. 

Minhyuk was wearing black Adidas pants paired with a hippy-ish t-shirt. 

Moreover, he was barefoot. Barefoot. Jumping over someone else’s balcony like a damn Tarzan. 

His hair was a hot mess and he was wearing his glasses which Hyungwon saw the older use only in the library. 

And the last but not the least, he was showing his toothy, broad smile. 

“Minhyuk -” Hyungwon thought “ – is not someone who holds grudges.” It didn't feel like Minhyuk had an ounce of resentment considering recent events. In the end, it brought them back to square one – friends. 

“Do you know the front door exists?” Hyungwon was still pretty much staring at the older with some sort of incredulity.

“Hmm.” The older hummed. “I was on the balcony and saw your lights were on so – “ He gave his shoulders a half shrug.

“Do you want to watch a movie? I was dying to watch this horror one. I would watch it with Jooheon but he is a scaredy-cat and I thought it would be boring to watch it alone so -” Minhyuk kept on rambling.

Hyungwon internally sighed. 

“Sure.” He turned around and started to walk towards the living room. Minhyuk followed him closely behind.

“Go find the movie.” Hyungwon waved his hand while walking straight into the kitchen. “Are you hungry? Do you want a drink?”

“Ummm.” Minhyuk dragged. “I am not sure, are you?”

Hyungwon shrugged his shoulders even though he knew the red-haired guy would not be able to see him.

“I wouldn’t mind a cup of coffee but I think I will make some tea instead.” Hyungwon started to scratch the back of his head. 

“Okay.” Minhyuk yelled from the living room. “I will have the same.”

* * *

When Hyungwon came back with two cups of hot tea the lights were already off. Minhyuk was sitting on a couch with his legs close to his chest.

“Hurry, hurry.” The older guy glanced at Hyungwon who put a cup in front of him.

“Aren’t you cold?” Hyungwon quirked an eyebrow at Minhyuk whose gaze was already glued to the TV.

“Ah?” He traced his eyes towards Hyungwon.

“You know, you really are weird. Jumping balconies instead of using the door. It’s snowing outside and you don’t even have your socks on?” Hyungwon asked in sheer surprise.

Minhyuk was staring at Hyungwon for a moment but then he switched his attention to the TV, shrugging. “I wasn’t thinking. I am fine. Now shh.” He put a finger to his lips when the first scene of the movie started.

For a while everything was calm. Hyungwon was silently watching the movie while sipping on his tea. But not even half an hour into the movie Minhyuk started being a very talkative watcher. He commented on every scene that had the potential to give someone a scare.

“Oh hell no.” Minhyuk muttered at some point.

Hyungwon slightly turned his head, looking at the side of his face. Minhyuk was chewing on his lower lip. He didn’t see much in terms of facial expressions but the taller guessed he was intrigued. He also noticed how stiff the older was.

Hyungwon sighed internally once again. 

He stood up and shuffled towards the bedroom. He wasn’t surprised the older didn’t notice his absence. 

A moment later he came back with his duvet. He threw a better half at Minhyuk while tucking himself under a smaller bit of it. 

“You will get sick.” Hyungwon muttered, yawning.

“Th –thanks.” Minhyuk half-whispered and Hyungwon knew. He knew he was looking at Hyungwon but he refused to look at him. He refused to.

* * *

By the time Lorraine Warren started to see all of the dead children Hyungwon slightly but not, by all means, a lot felt his heartbeat fasten. 

Hyungwon couldn’t say he was an avid fan of horror movies. He took everything with a grain of salt but he accepted the idea of the supernatural in this universe. He was also grateful he wasn’t the one who was granted this mystical power. 

Hyungwon ended up being immersed in the movie. He first thought he would spend the whole time either staring or thinking of Minhyuk but surprisingly the older picked a nice movie for the genre.

* * *

When the movie ended and the credits started Hyungwon loudly yawned while stretching his hands up. He looked up at the clock that showed a little after 2 AM.

“Minnyuga.” Hyungwon’s now a little sleepy and a raspy voice murmured. 

He turned to his right only to notice the older was asleep. He maintained the same position. He was sitting with his knees close to this chest. The only thing that has changed is that he let his head fall on the back of the couch. And he was now facing Hyungwon. 

The taller chuckled at the look of his askew glasses that were weirdly sitting on the tip of his nose.

“Minhyuk.” The taller whispered while taking his glasses off. “Wake up.”

The older slightly stirred but he wasn’t awoken.

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon said once again.

“Min-nyuga.” Hyungwon touched the older by the cheek. “Wake up.” He tried his slightly sensual, a tad seductive voice.

At this, the elder’s eyes sprang open. “Who are you?” He blearily blinked. 

Hyungwon laughed out loud, trying to hide his somehow flustered self. He was not going to think about what crossed his mind just a moment ago ever again. No. Never. 

“You fell asleep.” He stood up and stretched once again.

“Oh.” Minhyuk tried to blink fast. “Damn.” He grumbled sleepily. “I am sorry.”

“It’s okay, go home.” Hyungwon said with his back to the older. “Use the front door this time.” 

Another “Oh” followed.

“What?” Hyungwon finally turned the elder’s way. He watched how Minhyuk harshly kept on rubbing his eyes.

“I didn’t take the keys. I will have to climb back.” He yawned while standing up. 

“What?” Hyungwon’s mouth made a small, round ‘o’. “You gotta be kidding me.” 

“Nah, not really.” He ran a hand through his mischievous hair. 

Hyungwon internally sighed for the nth time of that night. 

He started to think the older was doing it on purpose. Fucking with Hyungwon’s emotions, that is.

“Stay the night and climb back to your place tomorrow when you are wide awake, little monkey.” Hyungwon said in withdrawal.

“Huh?” Minhyuk sounded still half asleep but also alarmed. “It’s okay, I don’t want to impose. I live just there.” He pointed at the wall in the direction of Minhyuk’s apartment.

“I don’t mind.” Hyungwon bit onto his lower lip.

“Changkyun invited himself for half of the week without prior notice. Believe me, I will sleep better by not having to think you could have potentially injured yourself because you don’t have a sense of self-preservation.” Hyungwon yawned while picking the duvet off the couch.

“Turn off the TV, let’s go.” Hyungwon said while shuffling towards the bedroom.

 _The only difference is that Changkyun is like a brother to me and I’ve never thought of kissing him. Damn._ Hyungwon shook his head. _He is straight. Get a grip, Hyungwon._

* * *

Minhyuk was fast asleep. The moon was full and very bright. Hyungwon was lying on the side, watching the way Minhyuk’s calm appearance gleamed in the moonlight.

“He must have been tired.” Hyungwon slightly touched the tip of Minhyuk’s hair. 

“God, what am I doing?” He rolled onto his back, put his hands behind his head, and fixed his gaze on a ceiling instead. 

For a very long time he was lying, listening to the other’s slow but defined breathing. He then reached for his phone that was on the night table and searched for a contact, typing a short message shortly after.

**Kihyun**

[2:33 a.m.]

Hey.

* * *

**Second of December, 7:20 AM**

Hyungwon woke up due to the warmth of the body next to him. He looked down and took in the damage. The older was nestled close to his chest. For a while he allowed himself to feel Minhyuk’s chest go up and down. He also noticed the way he was literally hugging the older but he didn’t hurry to take his hand away.

After “just a little bit” moment exhausted itself but before Hyungwon’s greediness could take over he rolled onto his back and shifted away from Minhyuk so he could just watch him. However, it resulted in Hyungwon nearly falling off the bed. 

_So that’s what Jooheon was talking about. He sure can fill a bed._ Hyungwon thought to himself.

He quietly yawned and inspected the older for a moment. He looked peaceful and adorable and pretty much like everything Hyungwon wanted. But the brain knew better.

Hyungwon shut his eyes tight and reopened them a moment later.

“He is just a friend.” He started to crawl out of the bed. 

“A friend.” He muttered to himself as he shuffled out through the doorway in his slippers. 

“He is not any different from Hyunwoo or Changkyun. You don’t want to eat Hyunwoo’s face so don’t you fucking dare to fuck it up, Chae Hyungwon.” He repeated inside his head like a mantra.

Later, much later after Minhyuk would be gone and Hyungwon would be late for his class would Hyungwon read the message.

_And here I wondered how long were you going to avoid me?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut the chapter by a lot and it still ended up being the longest so far...
> 
> Anyway, romance in da house...even tho it's cliché. And...I guess we are finally ready for some drama because it's slowly but painfully turns into a slow burn. 😭
> 
> P.S. The movie was The Conjuring...what's your fav horror movie?


	15. Numb

**Third of December, 8:50 AM**

On Thursday, Hyungwon awaited the meeting with acute curiosity. He could hardly sleep that night. He tried not to let his emotions overflow but there was some sort of thrill. The only thing he wasn’t sure if it had a positive or negative effect. He was about to find out.

Mind oddly blank, he made his way towards the campus where Film and Television Directing Department was situated. Hyungwon bared his wrist in order to check the time - 9:58 AM

Hyungwon caught his breath upon looking up. He was there. Standing on the stairs - poised, alert, his perverted habit of being on time that hasn't changed even years later. 

He went over and stopped in front of the older. 

“Say something.” Kihyun said quietly.

“Why did you want to see me?” Hyungwon shoved his hands inside his pockets, avoiding the elder’s gaze.

“As cold as ever.” Kihyun emitted the smallest chuckle while closing the distance between the two of them and clasping the taller in a tight, bone-cracking hug.

“I missed you.” The shorter mumbled while looking up. 

Hyungwon was struck frozen. He made a couple of breath-in-s and out-s and before he could say anything the other broke away. 

“At least pretend you are happy to see me.” Kihyun huffed.

“Could this be true?” Hyungwon said mindlessly.

Kihyun coughed and fixed his gaze on a point behind Hyungwon. “How do you want me to respond to that?” His voice was surprisingly somber. 

“I am not so sure myself.” Hyungwon shrugged. “Let’s get some coffee or something.” He turned around and started to walk in the direction he came from.

* * *

“How long are you going to stay here?” Hyungwon asked while tearing a pack of brown sugar and pouring it inside his cappuccino. 

The older shrugged while observing the taller’s actions. “I don’t know yet.” 

“You’re pretty tan.” Hyungwon picked a spoon and started to stir the sugar, meeting eyes with the shorter for a fleeting moment.

At this, the older laughed. “It’s summer in Australia right now. You cannot imagine how many cool places I’ve visited.” 

“Hmm.” Hyungwon was back to looking at his coffee. 

“How are your parents and brother doing?” Kihyun asked in a half-whisper.

Hyungwon put the spoon down in a saucer and leaned back in his chair. 

“They are doing fine.” He looked outside the window. “What about your mother? Have you seen her yet?”

“No.” Kihyun said curtly. “I don’t think I will get to see her this time around.” 

Hyungwon said nothing. However, he nodded a couple of times to let Kihyun know he was listening. 

“Mom will be happy to see you and Kyungwon promised he will come back for Christmas so – “ Hyungwon dragged his gaze towards Kihyun who was broadly smiling.

“Are you inviting me over?” He snickered.

Hyungwon’s gaze lingered on the older for a moment or two. Then he broke it and took a sip of his coffee. “I guess so. Judging by the timing you decided to spend holidays in Korea so - “ Hyungwon took a deep breath. 

“It’s up to you. You can spend them with friends but make sure you will pay my mother a visit. She will cry if she finds out you came back and didn’t say hello to her.” He traced the shape of his cup. 

A strained silence followed.

“I would love to but I don’t want to do anything to make you unhappy.” Kihyun said evenly while reaching for his own cup.

“Well, I suppose we have a deal then.” He was back to looking outside. 

“Hyungwon, I am serious.” 

“We have a rocky relationship but I could never hate you, Kihyun. I suppose it goes both ways.” The younger started. 

“But if I am being honest it’s still hard to look at you. Do you ever have a feeling that with time everything will be settled and we are going to be as we used to?” 

“What?” Kihyun said, surprised.

“Sometimes I think the two of you will barge into my apartment and everything would be the same as it had been before.”

There was another silence. 

“But it won’t.”

Another short silence. 

“Oh.” Hyungwon muttered as his eyes widened.

Hyungwon watched Minhyuk and another guy who was pulling him by his left arm through the window. Minhyuk tore himself free but the next moment he was back in being in the other’s grip. 

“Hyungwon, listen – “ Kihyun started. 

“It’s okay.” Hyungwon abruptly jumped off his chair while hastily putting his coat on.

“What?” Kihyun looked up. “ Where are you going?” 

“I am sorry, I – “ Hyungwon reached for his wallet. “Something urgent came up. Can we finish another time?” He threw a couple of banknotes on the table and started to walk away when Kihyun grabbed his wrist.

“Hyungwon, stop running away from me. Please.” 

Hyungwon opened his mouth. Then he closed it. 

“It’s not that. I really have some unfinished business. Are you staying with Hyunwoo or Hoseok?” 

It was Kihyun’s turn to gape like a fish. “Hoseok.” 

“Okay. See you later.” He slightly waved and rushed outside the café. 

Kihyun watched the younger run god knows where as he sank back into the chair.

* * *

“Stop it.” Minhyuk tried to break free but the other guy had him in a vice-like grip.

“Look, Yongguk. I am sorry, okay? I really didn’t mean to play with your feelings but I – “ 

“Shut up.” They turned into a narrow street. Somewhere in the middle, he turned to look at the shorter. He watched the way the other struggled. 

“I always get what I want.” He leaned forward and ran a tongue down Minhyuk’s neck. 

“But I don’t want to.” Minhyuk’s voice was breathy. 

At these words, Yongguk stopped doing whatever he was doing, briefly closing his eyes and pulling in a deep breath.

“Why? I just need to know. If you didn’t want from the very beginning then why - ?”

“I didn’t know I didn’t want to. You were there and you were saying all these words and I was - “Minhyuk stopped struggling.

“I was confused and I thought maybe I’ve been overlooking what’s been in front of me. So I just gave it a chance and –“

“What’s your problem, Minhyuk?” The other cut him off. “You behave like a virgin Mary. It will be fun, I promise.”

“I don’t want to.” He mumbled. “Not anymore.” 

“Hey!” Hyungwon yelled as soon as he turned down the street. “What are you doing?” He wasn’t running anymore but his steps were fast and heavy.

“Oh no.” Yongguk heard the younger whisper.

“Who is it?” The guy quirked his eyebrow.

“Let him be. Can’t you see he doesn’t like it?” Hyungwon said a little out of breath. He was now standing in front of the other two.

“Who is it?” The guy repeated looking straight at Minhyuk. 

“Hyungwon, I am fine.” Minhyuk said without looking in his direction. “Let’s go.” He muttered to the guy next to him.

“No, wait – “ Hyungwon started and he was about to reach the red-haired guy but a hand stopped him.

“Don’t touch what’s not yours.” The stranger growled.

“W-what?” Hyungwon was so surprised he lost the ability to speak.

“Yongguk!” Minhyuk yelled. “You bloody bastard.” He stepped on his left foot, hard.

“Ouch, damn Minhyuk that hurt.” The older tightened the grip around Minhyuk’s wrist he was still holding.

“What the fuck is going on? I said to let him go.” Hyungwon snapped back while closing the distance between the other two and breaking them apart.

“Hyungwon, please.” Minhyuk tugged the taller by the sleeve. 

“Why do you allow some douche to treat you like this?” Hyungwon said with a brief sideways glare at the red-haired guy that pierced him to the heart.

The third guy snorted. “Chill man, it’s just a lover’s quarrel.” He shrugged. 

“Wha - “ Hyungwon started but never finished the intended words. He turned to look back at the stranger. What was the name? How did Minhyuk call him? Yongguk? A lover? What? WHAT? He started biting on his lower lip furiously while letting everything sink in.

Everything became dull, cold, and lost its colors for the shortest moment. As if Hyungwon was thrown into a deep ocean.

The guy smiled at Hyungwon’s reaction. 

“Minhyuk, you little bitch. Did you or did you not sleep with him? Why does he look like you betrayed him?” He was now staring at Minhyuk. 

“Shut up!” Minhyuk yelled, tear eyed. “I owe you nothing. Stop spreading lies.”

“Why lies? We did go on a couple of dates and you made me chase your skinny ass for months now.” His voice was nonchalant. 

“They were not dates.” He spitted back. 

“Did you or did you not beat him up?” Hyungwon’s voice somehow managed to surprise not only Minhyuk but the other guy as well.

“Oh.” The guy's hand found its way to the back of his neck. “Actually it was Minhyuk who started the misunderstanding but look at this flower, his punches couldn’t - “ Yongguk didn’t get to finish because to his utter astonishment he was punched in the face. The next thing he knew he was falling backward. 

“Damn.” He spat a little bit of blood out. “Pretty boy, you’re playing with fire.” 

“Call me that one more time and – “He kicked the other in the ribs, hard. “ – and you will look worse than he did.” He pointed at Minhyuk but he wasn’t looking at him.

Minhyuk heard the intensity in his tone. There was plenty of emotions behind these words he was speaking.

Next, Hyungwon turned from them and started walking away.

“Wait, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk touched the younger by the shoulder but the taller shrugged him off.

"Please." Minhyuk said and heard the trembling in his own voice. However, Hyungwon didn’t say anything. He didn’t even look his way. 

Minhyuk watched his back receding down the street. “Damn.” Minhyuk ducked his head. “God fucking damn it.”

Yongguk struggled to his feet. “Minhyuk, you owe me an explanation.”

“Shut up.” The younger stood with his head hanging low.

“Oh hell no.” The other pushed Minhyuk’s chin in his direction and he saw it. The way the red-haired guy was on the verge of crying.

Yongguk was taken aback. “Why are you crying?” 

“I am not crying.” He said through his gritted teeth while smacking his hand away. 

“Well, fuck this.” Yongguk wiped his cut lip. “The only reason I didn’t get back at him because I was actually tough on you at that time. 

But do you know what’s funny? It was you who wanted some fun time with me, ditching me as soon as it got real. I was patient, real patient. And now what?

Another dude shows up to let justice prevail as if I am the bad guy.” He snorted, obviously agitated.

“Minhyuk, you really are a bitch. You should have stuck to your whores. At least all of them are as heartless as you are. The only difference is that these chicks know what they want while you are not even capable of sorting your wants and wishes out.”

“God – “ He brushed the dust off his butt.” “ – I can’t believe I wasted so much time on you.” He reached for something in his pocket.

"I would beat the shit out of you merely due to the fact that you tried to play me but I won’t do it solely because I don’t want Jooheon to go around and ask -" He shook a Marlboro from a pack. 

He tried to mimic Jooheon’s voice. “Do you know what happened to Minnyuga? 'Do you know anything about what happened' bullshit?" He lighted a cigarette. 

"Don’t appear in front of me ever again.” He harshly inhaled before turning around. “Your wish became true. I am done. But judging by his reaction I am not the only one who doesn't want you anymore.” He started to walk away. 

For a long time, Minhyuk was standing there with his head hanging low. Tears that first prickled his eyes started to freely roll down his face and onto the cement, soundlessly but intensely. 

Hyungwon walked home in a state of bewilderment and heartache, feeling as if he was a victim of a practical joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I suck at writing fight/argument scenes...but guess what, there is more to come. (¬‿¬ )


	16. Changes

**Third of December, 8:39 PM**

There was a knock on the door.

Hyungwon was laying on the couch in his living room in complete darkness, a glass of strong liquor was resting on a coffee table next to him.

There was another knock on the door. 

Hyungwon opened his eyes and stared into the darkness. He then rolled onto his side and tried shutting his eyes.

“Go away.” He muffled into a pillow.

A furry of knocks followed.

Being already slightly drunk he grunted something like “what is it?” under his nose before standing up and getting the door. 

“Hey.” Minhyuk said glancing up. He was wearing the same clothes from the morning. His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were puffy.

Seeing him was like a punch in the guts. Hyungwon spent half of the day trying not to get these emotions to him. He refrained from letting this poison into his bloodstream. 

But here he was – the cause of his internal agony was standing in front of him. A heavy, painful surge of anger started building inside Hyungwon.

Without uttering a word Hyungwon tried to close the door but before he could do so Minhyuk put a foot forward. When he realized it was in vain he huffed a short sigh before disappearing inside the dark flat.

Hyungwon switched on the lamp in the living room while Minhyuk was taking his shoes and coat off.

“What are you doing here?” The taller asked as soon as he heard the approaching steps. 

“I want to talk to you.”

“About what?” Hyungwon went across the room and stood by the window. 

He silently observed rain lashing at the window. Tomorrow is going to be ugly with all of the melting snow and the mud that is going to resurface again. 

“About what happened earlier.”

“How do I fit into this?” Hyungwon hated the way he sounded.

Minhyuk didn’t answer. He awkwardly approached the couch and sat on it. 

Hyungwon said these words with intent to hurt and a part of him reveled at all of the misery the older was exuding, then why? Why was he aching?

“Once you miss the timing – “ Minhyuk started mumbling. “– to say something."

Hyungwon watched in the reflection of the window how the older was shivering under his oversized mustard hoodie, fiddling with his fingers. 

“With time the words become harder to say. They become toxic and harsh. It’s the best option to be straight.” By the end, Minhyuk's voice was barely above the whisper.

Hyungwon was so full of anger but somehow the concern about Minhyuk soothed his hotheadedness. 

He closed his eyes for a long moment as let his forehead lean against the cold window. 

Then he opened his eyes and said “Do you even know why am I upset?” while walking to where the other was sitting. They locked their eyes and Hyungwon was blankly staring at Minhyuk until the other turned his gaze away.

“Maybe you should start your explanations with this.” He leaned forward and reached for Minhyuk’s left hand and pulled his hoodie up, exposing a red mark. None of the gestures were forceful. And even though Hyungwon's hands were icy cold his actions were gentle and light.

“I knew it.” Hyungwon muttered to himself while bringing his hand closer to Minhyuk's face to make his point but the moment he looked straight at the older something switched within him.

Minhyuk's look in the eye made Hyungwon pause for a moment. He then let his hand slowly fall on his lap while stumbling a couple of steps back.

“The fuck is this?” Hyungwon muttered. “What?” He said softly. “Why do you look at me like this?” Hyungwon swallowed. “Why do you look at me like I would hurt you? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.” His voice was lackluster. 

Minhyuk’s shoulders began to shake and hurt-filled tears started to fall down his cheeks.

“Why are you crying?” Hyungwon asked. “Am I not the one who should be crying? It’s not you who is seen as a monster.” His voice was empty, void as he reached the coffee table and snatched his glass, draining remains of the liquid a moment later. 

“Please don’t hate me.” Minhyuk said between the quiet sniffs. 

“I like you.” Hyungwon said in the most natural, honest tone while putting the glass down. It emitted a glass against glass clinking sound.

Minhyuk whipped his head up.

“But you already know it.” Hyungwon met eyes with the older. “You probably knew it from the very beginning, didn't you?” He narrowed his eyes on Minhyuk.

“Did you enjoy playing with my feelings?” He tilted his head slightly to the right.

“No, I – “ Hyungwon saw the flash of pain dart across Minhyuk’s face.

“No?” The taller was still staring at the older. “You didn’t?” 

For a moment no one spoke. Minhyuk started to fiddle with his fingers again. 

“I started - " He wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve and sniffed. 

"- umm to think you might be feeling something for me after that weekend in the cottage." He slightly cleared his throat. 

"It was that time when I finally started to put my own feelings into words. You don't understand Hyungwon - ” Minhyuk's voice became even quieter.

"-these are the foreign feelings I've never detected in myself before." There was a brief pause. "Not until I met you." He finished in a whisper.

“Good for you.” Hyungwon said curtly. 

“Do you know what has been bugging me this whole time?” Hyungwon said with a fresh wave of anger.

Hyungwon started pacing back and forth across the living room like a restless cat.

“That things like sexual orientation don't change overnight.” He bent a thumb on his right hand.

“You had a girlfriend when we met. So when you broke up I naturally thought you were heartbroken.” He bent his index finger. 

“I've spent half of the time around you thinking _what do I do with these feelings that don’t have an outlet?_ And I felt bad. I was feeling awful for being a creep.” He bent his middle finger.

“I thought you got the bruises because you slept with someone who has a boyfriend.” He bent his ring finger. 

“I thought these were the real problems but I now realize all of that confusion, heartache and uneasiness was for nothing. I thought they were the real issues but it was all in my head – “

He extended his left hand.

“You switch both ways” He bent his pinky.

“You are either unable to be emotionally attached to one person or you are into open relationships.” He bent his ring finger.

“And no matter how I look at it you weren’t into him dragging you across the campus so that brings us to abusive relationships.” He bent his middle finger while looking down on his hands. “You do have a lot on your plate, don’t you?”

Minhyuk was yet to say a word.

Hyungwon gazed at the ceiling, trying to return to his usual tone and relaxed state. And then something struck his mind. “Does Jooheon know?” 

At this Minhyuk jerked, which surprised Hyungwon.

“Why are you bringing up Jooheon?” 

“Because when I said I was bi he was very surprised and it doesn't seem like he knows about you. Is it another one of your little secrets? Even he doesn't know? Ah.” Hyungwon shook his head. 

“It’s none of my business. Look-“ Hyungwon started but then he glanced at his hand. He saw the way it was trembling. He didn’t even realize how shaken he was.

“No, actually - ” Hyungwon clenched it into a fist and hid it inside his pocket. “- please leave.” But it was more of demand despite the word _please_. 

Minhyuk glanced up with a quick flash of anger that surprised Hyungwon. 

“Why?” Minhyuk's tone was both irritable and desperate. Hyungwon stared at him.

“You too.” He jumped on his feet and stomped to where Hyungwon was standing. 

“Even though you like me you are running away. Why? If you didn’t want me then why did you indulge my feelings?” He grabbed Hyungwon by the ham of his sweatshirt, catching him off guard.

“Why?” He yells.

“Did you even listen to - ?” Hyungwon opens his mouth in order to give him a piece of his mind when Minhyuk kisses him.

He places his lips on Hyungwon’s and kisses him. Hyungwon’s eyes are still open, staring back at the older. He is angry, frustrated, and agitated but nonetheless, his heart skips a beat. 

When Minhyuk pulls away he is still gripping Hyungwon’s clothes. But then, he slowly lets him go and it is Hyungwon who reaches for Minhyuk’s hoodie and pulls him closer.

This time, Hyungwon closes his eyes when he kisses Minhyuk. Their lips brush and then collide. It’s not innocent and full of teasing but a hot, full of fire, passion, and demand kiss.

At some point, Minhyuk’s hands find their way around Hyungwon’s shoulders. And as soon as the older touches him Hyungwon realizes what he is doing. 

“Fuck.” Hyungwon says pulling away.

For a while, they stand looking at each other.

“I should go home.” Minhyuk mutters while slightly backing away. 

“Yeah.” Hyungwon mumbles while running a hand through his hair.

 _This is bad._ He thinks to himself. “You should.” He says aloud.

Minhyuk spins around and starts slowly walking away but before he is out of Hyungwon's sight the older stops, takes a deep breath, and quietly says. "Hyungwon."

"Yeah?" Hyungwon's response is as quiet and airy but if the older looked over his shoulder he would see how stiff the taller is.

"Your voice gives me chills, Hyungwon. Since the day I met you. Has anyone's voice ever done that to you?"

The next sound Hyungwon hears is the sound of an unlocked and then closed door. And then the already quiet apartment grows even more so.

It rains for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if it's a mess it's a beautiful mess I adore and appreciate. ₍ᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢ₎


	17. Paranoia

**Eighth of December, 1:44 PM**

On Tuesday afternoon Hyungwon was peacefully staring outside the window, two unfinished cups of coffee were sitting in front of him. 

The weather turned suddenly and unreasonably wonderful. The snow melted and all of the mud dried out in a matter of two days. The sky was baby blue, the air was warm and windless. 

If not for a bunch of university students who were decorating a Christmas tree in the middle of the square one would think it was the beginning of spring.

Hyungwon put one elbow on the table, leaning his head against his right hand. For a while, he was observing as once the naked tree was getting shinier, shinier and yes even shinier. They ended up overdecorating it.

A guy with a ladder appeared but Hyungwon lost all of the interest because someone else caught his attention. 

It was Changkyun. Hyungwon saw him march across the meadow. He was wearing all black and his long coat was giving him an interesting touch.

Raven, or maybe Neo? He thought to himself.

He was brought back to reality when he realized the younger was walking in his direction.

“Damnit.” He muttered to himself when Changkyun waved at him.

“I should have left earlier.” He thought to himself while making eye contact with the younger. 

“Hey.” Changkyun jumped on a stool next to Hyungwon. He took his coat off and put it on a chair next to him.

“Hi.” Hyungwon remained in his previous position. He didn’t even turn his head.

“I like your hair.” He ran a hand through Hyungwon’s once dark but now dirty blond hair. “It’s hot.”

A puzzled pause followed.

Changkyun sensed it. He knew that Hyungwon wasn’t used to being disturbed during his broody melancholy. Him turning to stare at Changkyun for a second and then carrying on with what he was doing before was a prominent enough clue but instead of leaving Hyungwon alone he leaned forward. However, it was more of a pushing his face into Hyungwon’s personal space.

“Are you okay?” He stared at the older.

“Why?” Hyungwon furrowed while pulling back. 

The younger shrugged. “I haven’t seen you in a while and – “ There was a short pause. “You don’t look that good.”

Changkyun leaned even closer and sniffed Hyungwon.

“Did you just sniff me?” Hyungwon pulled even further away.

“You smell strongly of cigarettes, coffee, red bull and -” Changkyun returned to his seat. “ - some sort of repression.” 

Hyungwon hummed. “Are you sure you want to make music? You would be more efficient as a detection dog.” He slightly chuckled.

“Ya.” Changkyun shoved the older in the shoulder. “Oh, thank you.” He said to a waitress who brought his food.

“Are you done for today?” Hyungwon returned to his previous position – supporting his head with his hand but this time he watched how the younger was eating.

“No.” He bared his left wrist. “- but I have half an hour so it’s fine.” 

Hyungwon nodded.

“So.” He started to cut his tonkatsu into stripes.

“So?” 

“You are oscillating between sky and earth because of what?” He looked at Hyungwon out of the corner of his eye. “Is it Kihyun? He told me you bolted.” 

Hyungwon didn’t answer. Changkyun looked at the side of the elder’s face and saw that it was absolutely blank. He was about to sigh when the older spoke.

“No.”

“But you ran away.” The younger put the knife down in order to openly stare.

“It was unrelated.”

“And you ignoring my invitation to go out on Saturday because Kihyun was there is also unrelated?” The younger arched his pierced eyebrow. 

“Changkyun, you make me sound weird.”

“Well, you’ve been avoiding the guy like plague this whole time so – “ 

“I was not.” Hyungwon’s voice was surprisingly firm.

“You know – “ He took a sip of his cold coffee.

“Yeah?” Changkyun shoved a big chunk of meat inside his mouth.

“Minhyuk confessed.”

“Huuuh?” The younger exclaimed with his mouth full of food.

“Chew properly.” The taller gave him a look of mild disgust. 

“Wait, what?” He swallowed. He didn’t suppress his truly astonished face. 

Hyungwon thought he heard all of the unchewed food fall down the younger’s stomach like a boulder.

“Yeah, sorta.” Hyungwon looked inside his cup. The lukewarm liquid wasn’t appetizing anymore. On the contrary, it started to repulse him so he pushed it away.

“And?” Changkyun’s disturbingly eager voice squeaked into Hyungwon’s left year.

“I don’t know what to do now.” Hyngwon’s hand found its way to the back of his neck.

“What do you mean? You start dating him.” 

Hyungwon shook his head.

“What’s bothering you?” Changkyun asked but before Hyungwon could say anything he started to speak his unfiltered mind out.

“Bat damn, I was spot on. I told you he was into you. However, knowing how irritable and impatient you are I am surprised it was him who confessed.” There was a brief pause. “How did it even happen? Did he drunk dial you or something?” The younger laughed.

“No.” Hyungwon looked straight at the younger.

“I spotted him with his boyfriend.” Hyungwon looked up at the ceiling and slightly narrowed his eyes. 

“Probably ex, I am not sure.” He gazed back at the younger “It was quite a show.” Hyungwon pushed his corners of the mouth slightly upwards. 

Changkyun’s face, on the other hand, fell.

“What do you mean?” He whispered. “He is dating someone else?”

Hyungwon half shrugged. “By the looks of it they were either ending their relationship or they’ve been broken up for a little while but that’s not the real problem.” His eyes flickered to the side and back at Changkyun.

“Since I’ve met him he has never been single. I am not sure if all of them are flings or not but – “

“Did you talk to him?” Changkyun interrupted. “Did you ask him?”

The taller shook his head. “We talked a bit but I kind of lost it.” Hyungwon furrowed and looked away. 

“Yoo...” He dragged. “I am sure everything has a reasonable explanation.” 

“It’s not about that.” Hyungwon looked outside the window. He observed how Christmas lights were strung around the tree.

“Not that.” Hyungwon opened and then closed his mouth. “Actually, I don’t know.” He made an exasperated sound. 

“Say it. What is it that troubles you?” 

“I cannot have open relationships.” Hyungwon glanced at the younger.

“It doesn’t have to be.” Changkyun said evenly. 

“I thought it was my paranoia but he was actually flirting with me.” Hyungwon huffed. “The entire time.” 

There was another pause. 

“Moreover, I am not sure I can trust him, Changkyun. I think that’s what worries me the most.” He muttered.

“You already don’t trust him or you just don’t want to?”

Hyungwon thickly swallowed. “Probably the latter.”

“But you like him.” It wasn’t a question.

Hyungwon nodded.

“Well, damn.” Changkyun ruffled his hair. 

“Hyungwon-ah.” He started rubbing Hyungwon’s back in soothing motions. “I understand that you are afraid to love and Minhyuk’s actions might seem weird or inappropriate but you need to hear him out. Talk everything out. If you are uncomfortable with the truth then nothing can be done about it, but – “

He bit on his lower lip. “Don’t run away from him. Let yourself be loved.” He let the older go and jumped off the stool. 

“Take your time.” He said while reaching for his coat. “When did you see him?” 

“Thursday.”

“Whoops, that’s almost a week.”

“I know.” Hyungwon dragged his eyes at Changkyun’s half eaten plate. “You didn’t finish your food.”

“I am in a hurry. I’ll see you around.” He pulled his wallet out.

“It’s okay, I’ll pay for you.” Hyungwon said while shooing the younger with his hand away.

“Sweet.” He pocketed it. “Thanks.”

“Hyungwon-ah.” 

The older looked up. 

“You’ll be okay.” Changkyun genuinely smiled before making a u-turn and walking out of the cafeteria. 

A moment later he saw the younger stroll back to the building he came from. 

“Can I have a check, please?”

* * *

Preoccupied with his own thoughts, Changkyun walked back to the Musical wing. He didn’t realize someone was following him a few paces behind. 

He walked through the hall and upstairs. However, once he was on the second floor someone stepped close behind him, caught him by the arm, and pulled him into the first empty auditorium.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you?” Changkyun clutched his chest. 

Minhyuk shut the door and Changkyun found himself glancing at the row of empty seats before fixing his gaze on the older.

“Sorry.” Minhyuk grinned without an ounce of regret.

“What is it? Why did you look for me?” Changkyun asked even though he knew why the older went out of his way to find him.

“Umm” Minhyuk quickly glanced at the younger and then quickly away. “It’s umm” He muttered. 

He took a deep breath in and then out. “It’s about Hyungwon.” He finally said.

“Yeah, I figured.” He sneakily looked at the time. “So you are into him, hmm?” 

“Did he talk to you?” Minhyuk stared at Changkyun. Nervousness was evident on his face but that’s not what prevailed. He looked merry. His face glowed.

“Huh.” Changkyun emitted. _Polar opposites._ He thought to himself.

“Briefly.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat while leaning against the wall. “What do you want to know?”

At this Minhyuk’s expression darkened as he dropped his gaze to the floor. “He hasn’t contacted me for almost a week now.”

“Did you?” The younger tilted his head slightly to the right, searching for Minhyuk’s eyes. “Did you contact him?”

“No.” 

“Give him time. Some space. He is a bit of a loner.”

“Yeah.” Minhyuk sighed. “I guess that makes both of you. At least that’s what Jooheon says. I didn’t want to be the annoying type so I just wondered if you – “ His speech trailed off. 

“He will come around as soon as he has his answers.” 

“Answers?” Minhyuk whipped his head in Changkyun’s direction. “Do you mean he is not sure if he _umm_ me, _well_ wants to be with me?” He tensed his shoulders.

“Nah.” Changkyun gave a dismissive wave of his hands. “I know he does. He knows that as well. Minnyuga.”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you look for me? Why did you not contact Hyungwon in the first place?”

Minhyuk flinched.

“It’s as if you are testing waters and without facing directly Hyungwon you are trying to come up with a solution that fits your best.” He said without a note of amusement and to his horror surprise he was glad to see a flash of hurt and confusion that shone in Minhyuk’s eyes.

“You don’t have to answer. It’s just, it might or might not be one of his concerns. He is also the type to overthink, do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah.” Minhyuk started to chew inside of his cheek.

Everything went still.

Changkyun cleared his throat. “Minhyuk, I am sorry but I am late for my class.” He had to withdraw before he says anything more hurtful. 

“Oh yes, I totally forgot. Yeah, sure.” 

Changkyun walks towards the door and before he can disappear out of Minhyuk’s sight he turns around and says. 

“Minhyuk, just be honest with him.” He gives a one-sided smile.

“And if you are too scared to talk to him just yet and you want to confide -”

There is a brief pause.

“Talk to Jooheon. I am not saying you cannot talk to me but I am sure he will be able to understand your worries more. See ya.”

Changkyun waves his hand before he disappears behind the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, I wanted Changkyun to be more neutral...maybe even slightly dispassionate but somehow instead of 'take good care of him' vibe it turned into this. lol


	18. Endings/Beginnings

**Eighth of December, 6:06 PM**

Instead of going home and studying for his upcoming exams, Hyungwon ended up in another place. A wall window of the university cafeteria was replaced by a bow window of a semi-café semi-bar that was within walking distance from his apartment.

For the greater part of the day, he had been amusing himself by watching the passersby and this time wasn’t any different.

During an hour and a half or thereabouts, he was staring outside the window while leisurely sipping on a gin and tonic. 

In the daytime, he had been observing how a Christmas tree was decorated, how students of multiple faculties rushed to and out of classes but as the darkness came on people’s priorities changed.

Hyungwon watched how professors were the ones who were now rushing home. On contrary to students who seemed to have the whole time in the world. Most of them were either in the company of an opposite-sex or they were simply enjoying themselves in small groups.

He was closely watching a guy who was carrying a bouquet of alstroemerias when someone tapped on his shoulder.

“Jooheon?” Hyungwon looked him over from top to bottom.

“Hey.” He pushed a chair opposite to the older and heavily fell into it. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much.” He exhaled a lungful breath.

“Are you alone?”

The older nodded as he started playing with a bent straw of his drink.

“I am here with a couple of friends, so if you want to join.” He tossed a thumb over his shoulder.

“- but to be honest I am interested in this one girl.” Jooheon ended up whispering. His face was pale and neutral but a small, warm smile was playing on his lips. Hyungwon unconsciously mirrored it. 

The taller’s eyes flickered towards the bar. At that moment only two girls were sitting behind it.

“Which one is it that you like?” The moment he finished the sentence he was struck with an unexplainable stomachache.

“The one with black hair.” He heard Jooheon say.

“That guy.” Hyungwon reached for his glass and took a greedy gulp of it. “Is he with you?”

Jooheon turned around. “Do you mean Yongguk? Yeah, he is with us. Do you know him?”

Hyungwon took another swing of the drink. This time the named guy looked their way. First, his eyes were aimlessly scanning the area but the moment their eyes met his expression changed from jolly to serious one in a matter of a second.

Hyungwon’s eyes roamed towards his bruised lip and as if the other sensed it he ran a thumb over it.

“Hyungwon? Are you familiar with each other?” Jooheon waved at him but he paid him no attention because he was preoccupied with a guy who was now approaching their table.

Yongguk snickered while taking a seat between Jooheon and Hyungwon.

“So you do know each other.” The younger’s tone was perplexed.

“Jooheon, can we talk in private?” Hyungwon glanced at a black-haired guy.

“Sure.”His chair made a screeching sound. The next moment he could be seen in a company of two girls by the bar.

For a moment they were glowering at each other like two rampant bulls but then something changed in the other's gaze.

“Hi.” The guy leaned against his chair. “Nice seeing you.” He leered.

Hyungwon said nothing. He was openly staring at the other for another moment or two before looking away.

“I am almost sorry about your face.” He casually said while reaching for his nearly finished glass.

The other ignored the remark. Hyungwon watched the way the other pulled a nice zippo lighter out and started playing with it. He lighted it once. Then twice. Hyungwon could faintly smell the gasoline.

“Pretty boy.” 

Hyungwon dragged his gaze towards the other, making sure his look of contempt was prominent. 

“Hyungwon.” 

“Youngguk.” He extended his hand.

Hyungwon stared at it and then at the guy.

“C’mon.” He extended it even further.

Hyungwon took a deep breath in and then out. “Yeah.” He muttered while reluctantly shaking it.

“So you are Hyuk’s new toy.” Yongguk said playfully while pulling away.

Again. Again Hyungwon felt his insides twist, a burning sensation in the stomach that was making its way up to his throat.

“What do you want with me?” Hyungwon glared at the other.

“I am not so sure myself.” He gazed out the window.

Hyungwon stared at him suspiciously.

“I have regrets. I guess I liked him more than I anticipated.” His tone was cool and husky.

“So you laying your filthy hands on him was part of a foreplay?” Hyungwon arched his left eyebrow.

“It was – “ His speech trailed off. “- a misunderstanding.”

“You gotta be fucking with me.” Hyungwon’s exasperation seeped from him.

“Are you aware of how many girls he fucks?” Yongguk looked at Hyungwon. To Hyungwon’s own surprise, his gaze was vulnerable.

“He caught my eyes a long time ago but it was only a couple of months prior that he gave me a green light, but – “He looked down at his zippo.

“Whatever.” His was voice was hoarse.

“How about I will take you on a date instead?” The guy gave Hyungwon a ghost of a smile. “You are smoking hot. I am sure your personality is also fitting considering the way you throw punches at people who are not related to you, and that look in your eyes – “ They stared at each other for a moment. “I like it.”

“Are you off your rocker?” Hyungwon leaned against the chair while running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” This time he showed a tight-lipped smile. “What would hurt him more? A couple of scratches or the idea of me stealing you?” 

At this Hyungwon’s hand clutched into a fist. 

“You don’t actually think I’ll let you touch me anymore, do you?” He smirked. “Chill.” 

He lighted a zippo and watched it burn in a semi-darkness for a little while. “I was joking. I do like your face though.”

Hyungwon scowled but the other continued. “I was chasing him for so long.” He peered at Hyungwon.” – but you snatched him away from me. I wonder why.”

Hyungwon blinked and seemed to be on the point of saying a great deal, but he chose to keep his mouth shut.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” He pocketed his zippo.

“I’ve never seen you around Jooheon either. If not for you I could have him.” He raised to his feet.

“Don’t tell me you’re a one-person man.” Hyungwon stared gloomily at the other.

“There is nothing wrong with fooling around but – “ He looked outside the window again. “ – He was the one I was waiting for if you know what I mean.” His gaze flickered towards Hyungwon. 

“Very touching but you don’t expect me to sympathize with your sob story, do you?”

“The only person who needs sympathy is Minhyuk.” He looked over his shoulder. 

“ – or you. I wonder how long you will stay afloat. How long will you be able to tolerate his habits?” He blinked at Hyungwon but then avoided his gaze. 

“Jooheon is my friend." He rose to his feet. "Let’s not make it any more awkward. Minhyuk – “ He tsked. ”- and now you.” He sighed while turning away. 

“Hey.” Hyungwon called out.

“Yeah?” He turned sideways but he wasn’t looking at Hyngwon anymore.

“Apologize to him.”

Yongguk slightly laughed. “I already did.” He grazed his lips. “Bah – bye.” 

Hyungwon watched as he whispered something to one of the girls before making his way out of the bar.

* * *

“Hyungwon – ah.” Jooheon reappeared once again. 

“You have a despicable friend.” The older waved at a waiter.

“I cannot say he is my friend, but -” The black-haired guy mumbled while looking to the side.

“He feels differently.”

“I’ve known him since middle school. We have a long history.” 

“Heh.” Hyungwon scoffed. 

“Loosen up.” Jooheon put a hand on top of Hyungwon’s left one that was resting on the table. 

“You’re very tense.” He gave it a small squeeze. Hyungwon was surprised by the sudden affection. “He didn’t try anything on you, did he?” 

“What do you mean?” Hyungwon stared at the other.

“He likes pretty people.” 

“Why would you even - ?” The taller started but never finished his sense.

 _You gotta be kidding me._ Hyungwon’s heart rate increased as he watched two guys walk into a bar. 

One of them was very short while another one was very tall. He would have laughed at the comicality of the situation if not for his heavy mind. 

_I give up._ Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair while locking his eyes on Jooheon.

“I don’t have personal beef with him but I will be straightforward, he did something that I cannot approve.” His voice was low.

The younger nodded. “He – “

“I thought it was you.” A quiet but distinct voice said.

Hyungwon looked up while Jooheon looked over his shoulder in order to look at the person.

“I like your hair.” Kihyun went to sit next to Hyungwon.

“Oh yeah. I totally forgot to compliment you, Hyungwon-ah.” Jooheon exclaimed, trying to ignore all of the cracking, the tension in the air.

“Yo.” Another voice made Jooheon look over his shoulder again.

“Long time no see.” The giant smiled at Hyungwon.

Hyungwon was about to stand up when Kihyun grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him down into his seat.

“Hey, Mingyu. Sit down.” Hyungwon said vexedly.

“Jooheon. This is Kihyun – “ 

“Hey.” The dark-haired guy waved. “And this is Mingyu.” He pointed at the guy who was taking a seat next to Jooheon.

“Nice to meet you.” Jooheon slightly nodded. 

“Kihyun, you might have heard of Jooheon. He is good friends with Changkyun.” He slightly turned in his direction.

“Oh, now that you mention it your name does sound familiar. Changkyun talks fondly of you.” Kihyun grinned.

“Ah.” Jooheon awkwardly smiled. 

“Okay, actually Jooheon has a date waiting for him and I was about to leave, so – “ Hyungwon tried standing up once again but Kihyun grabbed him by the hand, his grip even tighter than before.

“You will have a drink with us, won’t you Hyungwon–ssi?”

“Hyungwon–ssi?” Hyungwon shuddered while Mingyu snickered. 

“Kihyun, the fuck do you want with me? I am sure Mingyu wants to catch up with you alone.” 

He made an emphasis on _alone._ “- can’t you let me live?” Hyungwon felt his chest expand as he filled his lungs with air. 

“Mingyu is easier to get in touch than you are.” Kihyun said calmly. “But do you know what people say? The closer you are the more you care.”

Jooheon noticed a sudden change of tone. It became a little distant, somber.

“That’s why I am here. I won’t leave unless everyone sees us.”

Hyungwon looked down at the older. For a moment they just looked at each other.

“Ugh.” Hyungwon sat back down. “I am getting wasted and I will make you take me home.” He glared at Kihyun and then reached for the menu. “Jooheon, just go back to your date.” He glanced at the other.

“Umm.” Jooheon’s level of discomfort was at its prime.

“What?” Hyungwon wondered. “Don’t tell me she left.” He looked at the spot where two girls were sitting.

“Oh.” He breathed. “Dumb ass Kihyun.” Hyungwon smacked the guy with the menu. “Because of you they left.”

“Ya.” Kihyun snatched the menu.

“I am sorry, Jooheon-ah.”

“It’s okay.” He said nervously. “I don’t want to interfere, so-“ He silently stood up.

“If you don’t have any plans you can stay.” It was Kihyun. “Changkyun -“ He bared his wrist. “- will be here soon.”

“Really?” 

Hyungwon noticed the way he slightly beamed. 

“Let me take my coat then.” 

Jooheon barely managed to leave the table when a waitress showed up.

“Can I take your order?” She smiled. 

“Whiskey.” Hyungwon muttered. “Double whiskey.” Hyungwon put his coat on before standing up.

“I’ll get a beer.” It was Mingyu.

“Make it two.” Kihyun said.

“Oh.” Hyungwon glanced at Jooheon who was talking to a bartender. “Wine.”

“Excuse me?” The waitress asked.

“A glass of wine, white one.”

“Dry, sweet, or semi-sweet?”

“Eghhh.” He anxiously glanced at Jooheon once again.

“Semi-sweet?” He questioned.

“All right.” She wrote it down and left.

“I am going for a smoke.”

“I’ll come with you.” Kihyun said standing up.

* * *

“Is Hoseok coming?” Hyungwon wondered while flicking a cigarette out of the pack.

“Nah.” Kihyun zipped his coat and did the same. “I don’t remember him being such a health nut. He goes to the gym every day.” He lighted a cigarette. “Crazy bastard.”

At this Hyungwon chuckled. He moistured his lips before tucking a cigarette between his lips. “Yeah, he takes it very seriously.” Kihyun lighted a cigarette for him.

Both of them inhaled and silently exhaled. Hyungwon looked up and watched smoke spread around him. When he looked down at Kihyun the other was already looking him over, as if he was a puzzle he had to solve. 

“What is it?” 

“Changkyun said you’ve been under the weather lately. I suppose it was his way of saying to _fuck off_ for a while. I am glad I got to see you today.” 

Hyungwon groaned. “Changkyun-ah. That brat.”

“Considering the thing you told me last time.”

Hyungwon involuntarily swallowed. “Forget about it.” 

“Speaking of which. Were you okay?” 

“Huh?” He looked down at the older, letting his cigarette loosely hang from his lips.

“You were in a hurry.” Kihyun arched his eyebrow.

Something clicked inside Hyungwon’s mind. “Ugh.” He groaned once again.

“What’s all of the growlings about?” Changkyun laughed while approaching the other two.

“Hyungwon, fancy seeing you here. I thought I won’t be able to get a glimpse of you for another week.” He patted the taller on the shoulder.

“Changkyun, you little shit what have you been telling Kihyun?” He gawked at the younger.

“Nothing much?” He cast a glance at Kihyun but then looked at Hyungwon.

“I am serious.” His tone was cool. “I know you cannot stand the gossiping so I keep my mouth shut when it comes to you.”

Hyungwon blinked at the younger. “Okay. Good.” He said relieved. 

_The youngest waited for the other two to finish before they started for the door._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this is low-key embarrassing. I don't remember posting a dry chapter like this even in other fics for a damn while. But I did it...I was pondering, editing, deleting, and re-editing but it ended up looking like this anyway. 
> 
> I give myself an "F" for not doing better but I just needed to move on or otherwise, I would be stuck in this mess till the end of the year. You guys deserve an "A" for reading it till the end. I will try to redeem myself in the next chapter.


	19. Closer

**Eighth of December, 9:41 PM**

A couple of drinks and small talks later most of the people spread around the bar. Jooheon and Changkyun went to play a game of pool while Mingyu went to greet someone familiar.

The only ones left by the table ended up being Hyungwon and Kihyun. However, neither of them was in a mood to talk. 

Both of them had different personalities yet they were alike in one way or another. Despite Kihyun’s bouncy and high-spirited nature, he could also be mute and sulky as a child. Hyungwon, who naturally was very calm and laid-back, became completely unapproachable.

They were drinking steadily. Kihyun, with his elbows on the table was watching a game that was broadcasted on the TV behind the bar while Hyungwon was back to staring outside. 

Hyungwon was completely submerged inside himself when someone approached the table.

“What’s up?” Changkyun slid into a chair opposite the other two.

Hyungwon reached for his glass and offered the younger a humorless shrug when their eyes met.

“Mingyu is pretty fun.” The youngest looked at Kihyun. “A little weird but he is a nice guy.” 

He snatched Hyungwon’s glass and took a swig of it. The taller said nothing but his dopey eyes couldn’t shut up.

“He is Aries.” Kihyun finally unglued his eyes from the TV and looked at the youngest, stifling a yawn. 

“He is dope but too temperamental for my own liking.” He paused. “Both of you -” He pointed first at Changkyun and then at Hyungwon. “ - would make a great trio.” He puffed the air out of his cheeks.

Changkyun gave Kihyun a look of disbelief while Hyungwon loudly coughed. 

“Look who is talking.” Hyungwon plastered himself on the table by leaning his cheek on his closed fist, locking eyes with the older. 

“Mister Scorpio –“ He started. “An optimist that sees a silver lining when it’s pitch black.” 

Something changed in Kihyun’s eyes.

“ – but you’re moody, sensitive, and insecure. No wonder you’re single.” 

Changkyun made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat that could have meant anything.

Kihyun melodramatically rolled his eyes. “I forgot the way you get a rise out of me every time you open your mouth.” 

“Well, - “ Hyungwon reached for the other’s cheek. “You were the one who stayed.” He pinched it, hard.

“Stop it.” Kihyun muttered while slapping his hand away.

Hyungwon’s hand languidly fell on the table as he continued to watch Kihyun. The older cast a glance at the taller but his gaze quickly shifted back to the TV.

“Outsiders would think you are crazy ladies considering your horoscope ted talk.” Changkyun yawned. “I’ve never seen you reading one though.” He looked at Hyungwon. 

The taller shrugged. “I don’t. Yujun was the addicted one. Now that I think about it, they were his words. The _forever alone_ joke is mine though.” Hyungwon glanced in Kihyun’s direction. 

Kihyun’s face twisted with unidentified feelings. The awkwardness saddled between the three of them. 

“I am planning to visit his grave on his anniversary.” Kihyun said unemotionally. 

Changkyun swallowed while Hyungwon was staring, without actually seeing at a spot behind Kihyun, preoccupied with his own thoughts.

For a while no one spoke. 

“I will go with you.” Hyungwon spoke at last.

Changkyun raised his eyebrows.

“You don’t have to.” It was Kihyun.

“I would go even if you weren’t here.” He said standing up. “I will get another drink.” He muttered before leaving the table.

Changkyun watched the way Kihyun’s eyes followed Hyungwon. His already dark eyes got even darker as he gazed at him with vacant, slightly drunk composure.

“Hyung.“ Changkyun quietly said. 

Kihyun immediately looked at the younger. His blank look became less dull as he squeezed the smallest smile. “You haven’t called me _hyung_ in ages.” He ended up broadly smiling.

“Do you want this hyung to buy you a drink?” He rose to his feet and walked to where Hyungwon was standing.

Changkyun observed the way Hyungwon emptied a shot. He watched the way Kihyun approached him. He waited a little bit for the bartender to make more drinks. He watched them take a shot without exchanging a word. However, he resumed his original position the moment they started for the table.

Kihyun put a shot glass in front of Changkyun before falling heavily into his seat. 

“Vodka.” His insides twitched.

* * *

**Nineth of December, 1:15 AM**

Minhyuk stared at his ringing phone for a while. He thickly swallowed before picking up.

_Annyeonghaseyo._

“ _Yo._ ” Kihyun’s raspy voice muttered. “ _Thank god, you are awake. Can you pick me up?_ ” He slurred.

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“ _We are –_ “ There were noises in the background. “ _\- at Hemingway’s_ ” 

“ _Who are you?_ ” 

“ _Hoseok, stop it._ ” Kihyun grumbled. “ _My phone died and Hyungwon –_ “There was a brief pause. “ _\- actually I don’t know where he is. Please, pick me up._ ” And then he hung up.

Minhyuk sighed while falling back onto his pillow, blinking into the darkness of his room.

“What the hell?!” He jumped off his bed.

* * *

Hyungwon was on his way home. He was swaying from side to side with his head low and his hands in the pockets when he ran into someone. 

No, technically someone stopped in front of him. He was about to maneuver around when something told him to look up. So he did. 

The person is standing in front of him - eyes wild, breathing heavy.

Hyungwon’s eyes are squinting due to the brightness of the street lamp. “Minhyuk?”

The older says nothing but feels his Adam’s apple reply on his behalf.

Hyungwon makes a tiny step forward. “What are you doing?”

“You.” Minhyuk says and Hyungwon doesn’t remember the last time he has heard his voice.

“Me?” 

“You called me.” He looks away.

“But I didn’t?” The taller says quizzically.

“Your friend.” There is a pause. “He called me Hoseok.”

At this, Hyungwon slowly chuckles. “It must have been Kihyun.”

“Okay.” Minhyuk says carefully.

“He actually called you instead of Hoseok. Is he blind or something?” It’s a low, genuine chortle.

The next moment, however, he stops. He takes a deep breath as he starts searching his pockets. He finds his wallet, keys but no phone.

“Shit.” He starts giggling. “That dick took my phone.” He ends up laughing out loud. It’s a lungful, throaty laughter.

For a moment Minhyuk watches him but then he says. “Are you sure you didn’t lose it?”

Hyungwon shakes his head. “Kihyun must have pocketed it without realizing it.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Whatever, I’ll get it tomorrow.” 

Minhyuk says nothing as he puts weight from one foot to another. 

“Did you come to pick me up?” He slightly tilts his head to the right.

Minhyuk nods.

Hyungwon hums as he takes the last step in order to close the distance between the two of them. He wraps a hand around Minhyuk’s left shoulder while leaning towards his right ear.

Minhyuk feels a warm breath in his ear that he instinctively flinches against.

“Why?” Hyungwon whispers. 

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk moistures his lips. “You’re drunk. Let’s go home.”

He is about to take a step back but Hyungwon holds him even tighter. Both of his hands are now tugging on the sides of Minhyuk’s jacket as he pulls him flush against himself. 

His right knee is between Minhyuk’s legs as he noses at his neck. “I miss you. And I’ve been missing you for a while.” He starts rubbing his cheek against the side of Minhyuk’s neck in a cat-like manner.

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk whispers.

Something clicks within Hyungwon’s mind as he pulls back, looking straight at the older. And there is something about the look in Hyungwon’s eyes that Minhyuk has never seen before. 

“I missed you too.” Minhyuk utters. 

“Yeah?” Minhyuk notices the way he is not looking him in the eye anymore.

“Yeah.” He stares at his lips.

“Let’s go home.” Minhyuk takes his hand and leads the way home.

* * *

They don’t speak a word until they reach the building but Minhyuk’s hand is hot and Hyungwon can’t help but brush his thumb across the elder’s skin from time to time. 

They enter the elevator and Minhyuk presses ‘ _5_ ’ while Hyungwon leans against the wall. When he looks over his shoulder in order to peek at the taller he gasps.It is only now that he deciphers the look in Hyungwon’s eyes. 

Hyungwon stands by the wall with his arms and ankles crossed. His eyes are slightly red, glassy but that’s not what catches Minhyuk’s attention. They are darker than black and are crowded with lust. Minhyuk involuntarily swallows again. He opens his mouth to say something but the elevator stops and both of them step out. 

Hyungwon walks towards his apartment but he doesn’t make it far when Minhyuk grabs his arm. 

“Do you want to come in?” 

The younger turns around. He languidly blinks but there is a playful smile on his lips as he nods.

Minhyuk gingerly turns the key and both of them step in. They stand in a small square of the entrance hall where people take their shoes off. No one dares to move for a while but then Minhyuk is reaching out to switch the lights on and Hyungwon stops him halfway. He leans onto the elder’s back, hugging him.

“Your shoes.” He mutters into his left ear while slipping off his own sneakers. Minhyuk throws them away while spinning around and facing Hyungwon. 

It’s dark and Hyungwon is not familiar with his apartment but he figures it’s quite similar to his own. 

He gently grabs the sleeves of Minhyuk’s jacket and lets it slide off his shoulders. He then takes his jacket off without a care and lets it fall on the floor as he wraps his hands around Minhyuk’s waste.

He cannot see Minhyuk’s expression but he knows he is looking at him as his head is tilted back. He can also hear his defined breathing. 

Hyungwon moves his right hand to his face. He first gently caresses his left cheek but then he cups his jawline while leaning forward.

He brushes his lips against Minhyuk’s while whispering. “Bedroom.” 

Minhyuk releases a shaky breath. He doesn’t turn around when he grips both of Hyungwon’s wrists and starts leading the way. When they reach the bedroom it’s a little brighter and Hyungwon can scarcely see Minhyuk’s gleaming eyes.

They reach the bed and Hyungwon pushes the older onto it, climbing on top of him a moment later. He immediately starts pulling Minhyuk’s hoodie off. The older tries to take off his T-shirt while he is at it as well but Hyungwon stops him.

“No.” His voice is slightly hoarse. “Leave it on. Only your hoodie.” He throws it to the side. 

His eyes never leave Minhyuk’s. “I want you so bad – “ He whispers. Minhyuk starts wriggling his feet. 

“- but we won’t have sex – “ He runs a thumb across Minhyuk’s lower lip. “ – tonight.” He leans down to kiss him. 

* * *

“Oh god.” Minhyuk says between the breaths. “Oh my fucking god, Hyungwon.” He arches his back when Hyungwon’s hands find their way under Minhyuk’s T-shirt.

“Say it.” He breaks the kiss and moves towards Minhyuk’s neck instead. 

“Say what?” Minhyuk’s voice is now hoarse and smoky.

“My name.” He pecks a piece of the skin. “Say it.” He grips on Minhyuk’s sides firmer as he runs his tongue down his neck.

“H-hyungwon.” He flinches as the taller starts nibbling on his skin.

“Keep on going.” 

Minhyuk feels Hyungwon’s fingertips brush along his left shoulder, down his arm and forearm before he reaches his hand.

“Talk to me.” He threads their fingers together and Minhyuk squeezes their hands tight.

“I d-don’t know what to say. _Uuf._ ” He emits as Hyungwon bites on his neck.

“Anything.” He starts licking the bitten place.

“I like your hair. It’s – _mhm ,_ \- “ Hyungwon starts drawing eights with his tongue. “ – hot.” Minhyuk breathes out.

“I am glad you like it.” Hyungwon abandons the neck and pecks his cheek instead. He gives it a kitty lick which makes Minhyuk choke out a laughter more out of surprise than anything else. 

“What’s so funny?” Hyungwon whispers before reaching the elder’s lips again.

They start with slow, wet pecks. But the moment Hyungwon opens his mouth Minhyuk tastes his sweet, rum and coke breath. 

Eventually, Minhyuk’s hands travel towards Hyungwon’s back. He starts by tugging at his clothing before making its way under his sweatshirt. 

Hyungwon licks Minhyuk’s lower lip and detaches just enough to whisper. “Me too.”

“Huh?” At this point, Minhyuk’s reasoning is clouded as he starts to sink his fingernails at the taller’s back rather aggressively.

“Your voice.” He kisses his lips but the next moment he is back to nibbling the same spot on Minhyuk’s neck. “Sometimes your voice penetrates straight through my entire body.” He slightly bites on his earlobe.

“Fuck, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk heavily breathes. “You’re too much.” He slightly twitches.

Hyungwon says nothing as he proceeds to kiss, from time to time licking Minhyuk’s neck and throat.

For a long time, the stillness of the night is filled with heavy breathing. 

* * *

**Nineth of December, 3:02 AM**

“Minnyuga.” Hyungwon murmurs at last. 

“Yeas-s?” He ends up hissing.

“I am tired.” He finally falls flush against the older, burying his face in the crook of Minhyuk’s neck, unmoving. 

Minhyuk chuckles. “Yeah, it’s late. Let’s get some rest.” He yawns. 

Hyungwon mirrors his yawn but then his hand travels towards Minhyuk’s crotch. “Are you hard?” He is about to reach the aimed place when Minhyuk grabs his hand. “I am fine.” He sputters.

“I can give you head.” He mutters against Minhyuk’s skin. 

The older stiffens. “It’s okay.” Minhyuk says fast. “I am just half-hard. Moreover, you’re exhausted. You will probably have to try till the morning to make me cum.” He lies.

At this Hyungwon snorts. “Yeah, probably.” 

“Take your clothes off and go to sleep.” He gently makes Hyungwon roll over to the mattress.

Minhyuk sits up and watches Hyungwon rub his eyes. He lazily unbuckles his belt and starts pulling off his pants. Then he removes his sweatshirt and throws it without care to the floor. 

“Here, let me.” Minhyuk pulls the duvet from underneath Hyungwon and covers him instead.

Then, Minhyuk swings his legs out of bed and shuffles out of the room.

“Where are you going?” Hyungwon’s voice is weak and drowsy. 

“I’ll brush my teeth. Sleep.” He whispers before walking in the direction of the bathroom.

“Stupid Hyungwon-ah” Minhyuk mutters as soon as he is behind the closed doors. 

“As if I would let you touch me after all of that.” He looks down. 

“I would probably cum from a couple of light touches.” He unbuckles his belt. 

“That would be embarrassing.” He lowers his jeans and finishes off by remembering Hyungwon’s touches that are still fresh in his memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She will do better she said. She will redeem herself she said. (－‸ლ)
> 
> I don't know what's wrong...I can feel the shift in the writing myself but I cannot get out of this loop. 
> 
> Anyways...I wondered whether there should be more talking before anything happens but I decided to spice it up a bit. Do I like to make people suffer? Maybe. Will it be worth it? You will tell me later.
> 
> P.S. Guys snatched the title of Artist of the year at TMA and KIHYUN DIDN'T BREAK THE TROPHY! Finally.😂


	20. Into the unknown

**Nineth of December, 2:03 PM**

Hyungwon woke up from a dreamless sleep. He opened his eyes and drowsily stared out the window. It was one of these peaceful yet gloomy days. 

_What happened? Where was he? What was the time?_

His head was pounding so much he could feel his pulse throbbing in his eardrums. Moreover, he was extremely thirsty.

He silently sighed while running a hand through his hair.

 _Oh._ He thought to himself. _Right, Minhyuk._ He thickly swallowed and it wasn’t because he had a cotton mouth.

 _Minhyuk, Minhyuk, Minhyuk._ He tried to collect his thoughts when he heard incoherent noises. 

He gave up thinking for a moment while sitting up and cracking his neck on both of the sides. Then he picked his clothes that were scattered around the floor.  
He put on his pants and tiredly shuffled out of the bedroom while turning his sweatshirt inside out when he heard a loud crash.

Hyungwon quickened his footsteps. He already had his sweatshirt on when he detected the reason behind the commotion.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon’s hoarse, rumbling bass resonated across the kitchen. He was standing next to the kitchen island, looking down at Minhyuk who was in the middle of putting all of the pans back into the cabinet, squatting. 

The older turned around, distracted. “Fuck.” He muttered while standing up, leaving the last lid lying on the floor. “Did I wake you up?” He nervously giggled.

Hyungwon blinked twice while running a hand through his rumpled hair. “No.” He shook his head. "I was up for a while.” 

Minhyuk saw Hyungwon’s eyes as they slowly yet deliberately dragged over his body without revealing a single thought.

Hyungwon’s eyes roamed from Minhyuk’s black pants, black tee, maroon zip-up hoodie, and up to a couple of once red but now purple marks. 

“What time is it?” He yawned while dragging the heel of his hand down the side of his face.

“A little after 2 PM”

“Shit.” Hyungwon’s hand froze in the midair. “I suppose you were in class?” He asked while walking towards the older. 

“Yeah.” He said breathlessly.

“I overdid it, didn’t I?” He brushed his fingertips across the side of Minhyuk’s neck, concentrating mainly on the hickeys.

“Nah.” The older smiled while reaching for Hyungwon’s hand, squeezing it tight. “I bought a whole chicken and I was thinking to make some rice. Are you hungry?”

The taller slightly nodded while leaning forward. “I will take a shower.” His lips brushed against Minhyuk’s hair. 

“And also – “ Minhyuk gripped the taller’s hand even harder. “We need to talk.” He finished with a brief peck on the older’s shell of the ear.

Next, his back was facing Minhyuk as he was making his way towards the hall and quietly closing the door behind a moment later.

“Should I be concerned?” Minhyuk muttered to himself while letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

* * *

One shower, a gallon of water, and a mini-meltdown later Hyungwon was knocking on Minhyuk’s door.

The older opened the door with a broad smile. “Hurry, the food is getting cold.” He said while disappearing behind the corner. 

Hyungwon carefully took his shoes off and walked into the kitchen. Minhyuk’s back was facing him.

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon leaned over his shoulder. 

Minhyuk’s first reaction was to freeze but the next moment he relaxed. However, his breathing became more irregular.

“Kimchi.” He watched the older transfer the side dish into a small bowl. 

“What do you want to drink?” He slightly turned to the left but he didn’t look directly at Hyungwon.

“Anything is fine.” His voice was soft.

“You look okay, no hangover?” Minhyuk put down the chopsticks, putting a lid on a container instead.

“I slept through it.” He chuckled. “I am surprised you didn’t wake me up.” 

“I tried.” He left Hyungwon’s side and walked towards the fridge “- but you refused to budge. Did you have classes today?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay.”

“Do you want juice or sprite?” Minhyuk was staring inside the opened fridge.

“Sprite.” 

“Take the utensils in the drawer next to you, please.” He took two cans of sprite out, tucking one of them under his armpit. He then picked the bowl of kimchi and walked towards the table.

Hyungwon did as he was told. He grabbed two spoons and pairs of chopsticks before joining the older across the table.

* * *

“I don’t care for drumsticks.” Hyungwon said when Minhyuk was trying to put one of the legs in Hyungwon’s plate.

“You don’t?” Minhyuk didn’t suppress his truly astonished face.

The taller nodded. “Take both if you like them.”

“I love them.” He grinned putting it in his own plate instead.

Hyungwon popped the can open and took a big sip of it. “Thanks for the meal.” He said while putting it down.

“No worries.” Minhyuk waved his chopsticks in the air. “You must be starving after yesterday.” He shoved a big piece of kimchi inside his mouth.

For a while he watched the older energetically work with his utensils. A little later he put them down and concentrated on the chicken instead.

“I’ve noticed you always have a big appetite.” Hyungwon slightly smiled.

“Oh yeah.” He said without looking up. “I eat for two if not three people at times. However, I need to control myself.” He said while biting on a drumstick.

“Why?”

“I’ll get fat.”

“Minhyuk-k.” Hyungwon dragged.

“What?” At this he looked up, blinking.

“You look great. Don’t think about stupid things.”

The older arched his eyebrow. He was about to say something but he didn’t. Instead, he shrugged.

For the rest of the meal, they didn’t talk much. When the chicken was gone Minhyuk loudly sighed.

“I am full.”

“Same here.” Hyungwon put the chopsticks down.

“But I have some room left for the dessert. I have ice cream, do you want some?” 

“Sure.” 

Minhyuk brought two cones of ice cream. He immediately started to unwrap his while Hyungwon looked at it lying on the table, fiddling with the wrapper.

“What?” Minhyuk took a bite. “You don’t like chocolate flavor?” 

Hyungwon shook his head. “I like it.” He pulled his right leg up on the chair.

“Then what is it?” He took another bite.

“Minnyuga.” He muttered while still looking at the gold and brown wrapper.

“Yeah?”

“Come here.” He looked up at the older. There was no expression on his face. It was perfectly tranquil.

Minhyuk blinked twice, and then he thickly swallowed. He put the cone down and walked around the table, stopping in front of the younger. 

It was only a couple of seconds later when Hyungwon started moving. He pushed the ice cream and plate away, slightly pushing his own chair further.

“Here.” He reached for Minyhyuk’s hand and motioned for him to sit on the table in front of him.

The older did as he was told. Hyungwon’s left leg was between Minhyuk’s ones when he took both of his hands.

“What’s wrong, Hyungwon?” The red-haired guy said barely above the whisper. “Is something wrong?”

Hyungwon said nothing. He was silently playing with the elder’s long fingers.

“Minhyuk.” He whispered.

“Yes?” 

“Minnyuga.” 

“You’re scaring me.” Minhyuk toned his voice down. It was slightly hoarse yet weirdly vulnerable.

“I didn’t want this.”

“What?” 

“I didn’t want this to happen.”

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk breathed out a long, shivering wheeze. “Look at me.”

The younger shook his head. Minhyuk tried to free one of his hands but Hyungwon didn’t let him. Instead, he tightened the grip, rubbing both of his hands.

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk swallowed and tried not to let his emotions seep into his voice. “Do you – “ He swallowed. “ – regret it?”

The younger shook his head again. Minhyuk looked at the freshly washed mop of hair but he couldn’t see any of the younger’s expressions.

“You don’t understand.” Hyungwon gripped his right hand, hard. “I like you.” Hyungwon still refused to look up. 

He put both his and Minhyuk’s hands on his heart. “I feel sick. I can’t sleep.” He whispered. 

“Butterflies. A decease that invaded my body and it is now in control of every thought, every particle of my body.” Hyungwon’s breathing was heavy as he felt his heart smashing against his ribcage.

“Love-struck. Call it however you like.” There was a pause.

“Hyungw –“

“What am I?” He put his leg down and put it next to Minhyuk’s left one. He then flushed his head against the older’s stomach. 

Minhyuk’s hand remained on Hyungwon’s heart while the younger wrapped his hands around Minhyuk’s waist instead.

“An experiment?” He muttered.

“No.” Minhyuk said shell-shocked.

“A rebound or a way to kill your time?” 

“Hyungwon.” The older shouted. He took his hand away and placed it on his shoulder instead. “Look at me.”

“So what are we?” He tightened the grip around his waist. “Friends with benefits?”

“No.”

“Part-time lovers?” 

“Shut up.” He whispered while closing his legs with Hyungwon’s. 

He leaned down, wrapping a hand around his neck and pulling him closer. “You’re mine.” He whispered while burying his face in the younger's hair, kissing it softly.

A moment later he pulled back but his hand was left resting on Hyungwon’s shoulder, rubbing small soothing circles at the base of his neck.

They stayed like this for a while and Minhyuk stared at Hyungwon the entire time. The younger most definitely knew he was staring but he didn’t seem to care.

Minhyuk felt the pressure building in his skull. The ticking of the clock was getting louder.

He looked up at the ceiling and said. “I don’t like it when you are sad. I like you. I want to love you. It makes me feel crazy inside. Tell me, what is that worries you?” 

Hyungwon exhaled a lungful breath. “Truth.” He muttered.

“Bare, naked truth.” He nudged at Minhyuk’s stomach.

To Minhyuk’s own surprise he chuckled while looking down. “You really say whatever is on your mind, do you?”

Hyungwon shrugged. “No. Not to most people.” He turned his head to the right.

Even with this angle, the red-haired guy was unable to see anything but a nest of unruly hair.

“There may come a day when I really need to lie to you and then it might be handy if you think I am honest – “ There was a brief pause.

Minhyuk felt his heartstrings being tugged.

“ – but I don’t want to live this way.”

Next, Hyungwon forced himself to detach himself from the older and raise his head. He looked up and met Minhyuk’s gaze.

His face was flushed but his eyes were full of something heavy. Heavy mood. Heavy thoughts. Minhyuk heard the taller take a deep breath. “Tell me.” 

“I – “ Minhyuk started but before he could say anything else his hand reached Hyungwon’s cheek intuitively. He gently rubbed his thumb under his left eye. “Are you crying?” 

“No.” Hyungwon said. It was all he could say.

“Then – “ Minhyuk slightly bit on his lower lip. “ – why do you look like you are about to?” He gazed inside his dark eyes, the ones that began to crystallize.

The silence crept back in and they just sat there, in a limbo of their own thoughts that were mirrored in each other’s eyes. Minhyuk’s moving thumb being the only identification of the flowing present. 

Minhyuk couldn’t hear the ticking anymore. He didn’t hear anything but his own, slow pulse. Even though it was slow he still felt there wasn’t enough air.  
However the next moment he heard something, no someone.

Instinctively he turned his head in the direction of the door.

It started with _“-ah”_ A pause. _“Hyungwon.”_ Banging. _“Chae Hyungwon.”_ More banging. _“I know you are in ther – “_

“Damn.”

Minhyuk pulled his hand away from Hyungwon’s face and gripped the edge of the table instead, gazing at the younger.

Hyungwon finally looked away and fixed his gaze somewhere behind Minhyuk, running a hand through his hair.

 _“Are you sleeping?”_ Another bang.

“For you?”

The taller nodded while putting his hands on Minhyuk’s knees for a fleeting moment before standing up. 

“Kihyun.” He muttered while turning around. “I’ll be right back if you are still up for this type of convo.” He hollowly chuckled.

Minhyuk watched his slouched posture totter away.

Hyungwon unlocked the front door and peered at the guy who was banging at the next door.


	21. Bad habits

**Nineth of December, 4:42 PM**

Hyungwon unlocked the front door and peered at the guy who was banging at his door.

“Stop disturbing the neighbors.” Hyungwon looked him over from top to bottom. Kihyun’s hand was still hanging in the air, clenched into a fist.

“Oh.” A fist turned into a pointed finger in the direction of the closed door. 

“Oh no, Hyungwon.” He whispered, blinking. “ Did Hoseok tell me the wrong number of the door?” He bared his teeth but it was a poor exchange for a smile.

“No.” Hyungwon whispered. “He was correct.”

The older blinked as he started to scratch the back of his head while walking towards the older.

“Then what are you doing there?” He stopped in front of the younger, slipping a bag off his shoulder.

“I think you will have to apologize to someone named _Hyuk_.” He continued while rummaging through his bag. “Apparently I called him instead of Hoseok.” He pulled out the phone.

“I know.” Hyungwon said while taking it. “Did you go through my phone?”

At this Kihyun chuckled. “I went through your gallery but I didn’t read any of your messages.” He zipped the bag and threw it over his shoulder. “Your password is still the same.” He properly looked at the younger.

“What’s wrong?” Kihyun stared at the taller.

“What do you mean?” He looked with a wild yet vacant stare.

“Hyungwon, I know that look.” Kihyun furrowed. “Did something happen?”

The taller sighed. “No. I am just hangover.” He pocketed the phone.

“Thanks for dropping by.” He turned around and meant to close the door but the older caught it before he could do so. 

“I don’t believe you.” Kihyun’s tone was cool and dispassionate.

“Well – “ Hyungwon’s expression was empty and void. “- that’s your business.”

Kihyun harshly sighed. “Is today no good as well?” 

Hyungwon said nothing. He watched Kihyun’s gears rotating.

“Fine.” He looked up. “Let me know if you need anything.” He extended his hand and gently caressed his cheek.

Hyungwon pulled in a sharp breath. “I am sorry.”

“Hmm?” Kihyun slightly smiled.

“Is everything alright?” Minhyuk’s hesitant voice resonated from the back of the hall.

Startled, Hyungwon pushed Kihyun’s hand away while stepping back. However, he kept his eyes trained on the older.

“No.” There was a short pause. “Actually, I think I need to go.” Hyungwon looked over his shoulder to meet Minhyuk’s confused eyes.

“What’s wro – “But before he could finish the sentence Kihyun pushed the door wide open.

“Hi?” Minhyuk closed the distance between the two of them.

“No.” Hyungwon shook his head. “I need to – “Hyungwon grabbed Kihyun’s hand but the other didn’t budge.

He watched the way elder’s eyes drifted up and down Minhyuk. His eyes finally stopped on something. Hyungwon noticed the way the older narrowed his eyes.

“Kihyun?” Minhyuk’s tone was confused.

Kihyun’s eyes rounded. “How do you know my name?”

“Uh- “ The red-haired guy smiled. “We talked on the phone yesterday.” There was a pause. “That is if you remember.”

“Hyuk?” He quirked his eyebrows.

“Is this how you saved my name?” He cast Hyungwon a quick glance. Minhyuk’s perplexity turned into a shock when Hyungwon didn’t even try to look at him.

“Um.” He dragged his eyes back to Kihyun. “Minhyuk“ He extended his hand.

Kihyun silently shook the other’s hand.

“Hyungwon – “ Kihyun said while still looking at Minhyuk. "- is he?”

Minhyuk’s focus went back to the taller. Hyungwon was now leaning against the wall, looking somewhere at the ceiling. He noticed his face grow pale.

“Yes.” He heard him mutter.

“Do you want to come in?” Minhyuk was at the sea.

“No.” Kihyun shook his head. “I don’t want to interfere.” He said chummily. “I am leaving.” He smacked Hyungwon on the shoulder.

“That hurt.” He finally looked back at the older.

Kihyun turned around and made a couple of small steps but then he stopped and looked over his shoulder.

“Make him talk.” He looked at Minhyuk.

“Because as long as he holds on to his past, the two of you don’t have a chance in hell making it work.”

“Kihyun.” Hyungwon said icily.

“I want him to have a chance.” He winked at Minhyuk and started for the stairwell.

Hyungwon peered at the hallway but the older disappeared down the stairs.

“What was that?” Minhyuk stared at Hyungwon who closed the door and immediately leaned against it.

He took a deep breath before looking down at the older guy.

“Who is he?”

Hyungwon languidly blinked at the red-haired guy. “A friend.”

Minhyuk gasped. “You’re lying.”

At this Hyungwon arched his left eyebrow. “No.” He detached himself from the door and walked towards Minhyuk.

“I am not.” Minhyuk felt the way sharpness returned to Hyungwon’s eyes for a second.

“He is an old friend.” But the next moment his eyes started to dim.

“He also happens to be an older brother of my past lover.” They turned completely black.

Minhyuk thickly swallowed when Hyungwon stopped in front of him.

“Any more questions?” The taller loomed over the older. “I know you are the curious type. Ask away.” He tucked his hands inside the pockets of his pants.

Minhyuk stared at the guy, wondering if he was going to move.

After a silence that seemed to last an eternity, his gaze finally dropped down. Then he made a u-turn and shuffled towards the kitchen. 

“I need a drink.” He ran a hand through his hair in distress. 

Minhyuk was searching for a bottle opener when he heard footsteps approaching from behind. Next, Hyungwon leaned against the countertop.

Out of the corner of the eye he watched the taller cross his hands on his chest. “Don’t drink.”

Minhyuk looked at Hyungwon. This time he really looked at the taller. Their eyes met and they stared at each other again. 

“You aren’t in love with that Kihyun person, are you?”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the question. He let his hands fall to the sides of his hips as he turned around and properly faced the older. 

“Minhyuk – “ His voice was strained.

“Do you think I would lay my hands on you if I was interested in Kihyun or anyone else?” He half-whispered. “What kind of person do you take me for?"

Minhyuk shallowly swallowed. “No, I – “ His pupils slightly shook. “Then – “ He silently exhaled. “What did he mean?”

“Yujun.” Hyungwon’s voice was distant. “He – “ Minhyuk noticed something whirling in the younger’s mind. “No, I – “

“Enough.” The elder’s hand abruptly covered the taller’s mouth. “Don’t.” His chest rose. “You don’t have to.” He put his second hand on top. “I don’t need to know. It’s fine.”

Minhyuk detected a flash of hurt and confusion in the younger’s eyes. The next moment Hyungwon closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“It’s always like this.” Minhyuk’s breathing became ragged. “When something goes wrong people lose it. Everything falls apart. Can we just leave it the way it is?”

Hyungwon opened his eyes and met Minhyuk's gaze. It had changed completely. As if a door was slammed in front of him. 

Even though his eyes continued staring at the older, Hyungwon completely sank somewhere inside himself. Next, he knocked his hands away and made two steps back.

Minhyuk suppressed the innate gloom of rejection.

“Do you really want us to play this game?” 

It wasn’t the tone he used just a minute or 20 minutes ago when he was confessing. It was the tone Hyungwon used the first time they met. The tone that haunted him until they got to know each other. The tone that he used on the guy named Kihyun just a while ago – impersonal and cold. _A done for_ tone.

“Can’t we just let it go?” Minhyuk felt his voice trembling.

“There is nothing we can do about the past. It’s just baggage.” He started rambling. “Can’t we just let it go?” He made a tiny step forward.

“Two and a half months.” Hyungwon said. “I’ve known you for two and a half months yet I know next to nothing about you.”

“You called me _yours_.” Hyungwon swallowed while closing the distance between the two of them.

His fingers crawled toward the hem of Minhyuk’s t-shirt. He slowly pulled the material down and traced one of the collarbones with his thumb.

“You allow me to take your body but it’s a no-no when it comes to your heart, is that what you mean?”

“No.” Minhyuk quickly said.

“For fucks sake.” There was thunder in his voice as he pulled back.

“Then what do you mean? I am standing in front of you and offering all of myself.” His voice rose with a hysterical edge.

Minhyuk felt himself becoming smaller.

“And all you can say is _to forget_?”

“I am just telling you to move on.” The older muttered. “I want to move on with you.”

“We either accept each other as we are or we don’t.” Hyungwon’s voice was colder than Minhyuk’s ever heard. 

“However, you don’t even want to make an effort in knowing me. What are we, Minhyuk?” But before the older could part his lips he continued. “Part-time lovers, that’s what we are. I don’t want it.”

Minhyuk looked up and he realized the younger hasn’t taken his eyes off of him the entire time.

“I want all or nothing at all.” Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair. “Maybe you are better off with that Yongguk or any other girl of yours –“ 

There was a loud, hollow slap. Hyungwon reached towards his left cheek, soothing the pain.

Minhyuk’s hand was still in the mid-air. His now slightly watery eyes looked at Hyungwon – a mix of fume, bewilderment, and pain.

“My bad.” Hyungwon made a step back.

“I am sorry.” The older choked on the words, fighting back the tears.

“I am so sorry, Hyungwon.” He made a couple of steps toward the younger but Hyungwon extended his hand, not letting him any further.

“Both of us need to calm down.” He said in withdrawal.

The next moment he was walking away without looking at Minhyuk, without a word of farewell. 

“Don’t go.” Minhyuk whispered as soon as his front door was closed from the other side.

_Minhyuk felt his heart and soul shatter like a castle of glass._

* * *

_____ _

**Nineth of December, 8:59 PM**

Jooheon opened the door wide open, blinking at the guy in front of him.

“Minhyuk? What are you doing here?” The black-haired guy asked in confusion.

“Jooheon-ah.” He dropped his forehead on the younger’s shoulder. “I fucked up.”

“What?” 

“What do I do now?” He said in a monotone. 

“Wait.” Jooheon grabbed the older by the shoulders making Minhyuk look at him. “What’s wrong?” He looked at the other. 

“I feel like crap.” He said avoiding the younger’s eyes. 

Jooheon tsked. “Come in.” He ushered the older in while closing the door behind him.

“Take a seat.” Jooheon said while helping Minhyuk out of his jacket. He threw it to the other half of the couch while squatting in front of the older. 

“Do you want a drink?” He took his hands in his. 

Minhyuk was looking down, his hair was covering most of his face.

“What happened?” The dimpled guy brushed some strands of hair away from his face.

“Changkyun!” Jooheon yelled while looking in the direction of his bedroom.

“What is it?” Minhyuk heard the younger’s voice.

“Oh no.” The older whipped his head up. 

“What is it?” Changkyun repeated while walking out of the bedroom with a pen in his left hand.

Minhyuk looked at the youngest like a deer in the headlights which made Changkyun quirk his pierced eyebrow.

“Hey, Minhyuk.” He said while walking towards the two. 

“Actually –“ The red-haired guy stood up. “I gotta go.” 

“What?” Jooheon rose to his feet. “You just came.”

“Yeah.” He nervously laughed. “I forgot I need to do something.”

Changkyun stopped in the middle of the living room, playing with the pen but then he stopped, sighing harshly.

“What did you do?” His tone was demanding.

“Huh?” Jooheon looked at the youngest.

“Not you.” He dismissively waved at Jooheon. 

“You.” He pointed at Minhyuk who already had his jacket on, looking at the youngest.

“Nothing.” He gulped.

“You’re a terrible liar.” Changkyun narrowed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it annoying? Yeah. Did I like the way it turned out? Yeah.
> 
> Just giving a bit of the perspective of how their attitude towards the relationship changes. 
> 
> I am not sure whether next update will be over the weekend or next week...so...Merry Christmas?! 🎄✨


	22. 21 grams

**Nineth of December, 9:04 PM**

“You’re a terrible liar.” Changkyun narrowed his eyes.

“Changkyun-ah.” Jooheon raised his voice. “Minhyuk is older than you, have some respect.” His voice was frustrated.

“Uhmm.” The youngest tucked a pen behind his ear. 

“I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t believe in age hierarchy.” He threw both of his hands in the air, shrugging. 

“Respect is to be earned.” He smiled to one side of his face.

“Changkyun.” The black-haired guy rolled his eyes.

“Really – “ Minhyuk put a hand on Jooheon’s shoulder. “You shouldn’t be so loud. He is right.” 

“Sit down.” The oldest said in a quieter voice. “I will make us some tea.” He started for the kitchen while motioning at the youngest.

“But – “

“I will explain everything later.” Minhyuk glanced over his shoulder before disappearing behind the corner. Changkyun followed the older two steps behind.

* * *

“Do you want some tea, Changkyun-ah?”

“No.” The youngest fell down heavily on a stool behind the kitchen counter, putting both of his hands on the countertop.

Minhyuk poured the water and turned the kettle on.

“I am sorry.” The dark-haired guy mumbled. He inspected his fingernails. “I didn’t mean to sound um – “

“You’re pretty insightful.” Minhyuk cut him off while turning around and looking at the younger. “How did you know it has something to do with Hyungwon?” 

At this, Changkyun chuckled. “Have you seen your face? You were petrified to see me walk out.” He finally looked up. It was a penetrating, searching look.

Minhyuk blinked. “Yeah, makes sense.” He turned away, slightly baffled.

“Are you in love with Hyungwon?” The younger asked out of the blue.

“What?”

“I figured you were interested in Hyungwon that time when we were in the cottage.” Changkyun was back to inspecting his fingernails. 

“W-what?” Minhyuk’s voice was surprised.

The dark-haired guy shrugged. “I just had the feeling and apparently I was right. You are interested and affected by him, but are you in love with him?”

“It’s not your place to ask it, Changkyun.” Minhyuk’s voice was surprisingly somber.

“You’re right. It would be easier to ask what’s wrong or just to find Hyungwon and talk directly to him.” 

There was a short pause. “But I won’t.”

Another pause. “He gets mad when I talk behind his back.”

Pause. “It would be fine if you didn’t make that face as well, Minhyuk.” Changkyun’s voice was filled with a dark edge.

Next, he slid off the stool and tapped on the countertop.

“Hyungwon is a one-person man. He would never give hope to anyone if he is not absolutely sure.” He looked in the direction of the living room. 

“It should be an answer to at least one of your concerns and I consider you my friend but don’t expect me to – “ His tapping stopped. 

The younger drew a harsh breath in. “Jooheon doesn’t know.” It wasn’t a question but a statement.

He slowly turned around to look at the older. Minhyuk was leaning against the countertop, biting on a thumb of his left hand. 

“Did you or did you not reject Hyungwon?” He was now whispering.

The kettle went off.

Minhyuk took a deep breath. He wanted to answer this question. A couple of them, actually, in case the first one didn’t work. However, the moment he opened his mouth his mind went blank. 

So instead he said something utterly unrelated. “You have a good heart.” He crookedly smiled.

“Good hearts come cheap these days.” He put the pen down and started walking away.

“Are you going to see Hyungwon?” Minhyuk anxiously asked.

“Are you honestly worried - ” He looked over his shoulder. “- or are you that good at acting?”

A prickle rose on the nape of Minhyuk’s neck. “Changkyun, are you serious?” His voice gave a silent note of despair. 

The younger looked away. “To answer your question - no. It’s between you two.” But the next moment when he fixed his gaze on the older, he was the most upset Minhyuk had seen Changkyun.

* * *

Minhyuk was pouring the water in the cups when he heard the front door being opened and shut. 

Upon walking into the kitchen Jooheon made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat that could have meant anything. “Minnyuga.” 

“There is something I need to tell you.” He picked one of the cups and put it on the counter in front of the younger.

“Okay?” Jooheon jumped on the exact stool Changkyun was sitting on mere minutes earlier.

“What’s wrong?” The younger blew on his tea before taking a tiny sip.

Minhyuk pushed himself on the countertop. 

“There is someone I like.” Minhyuk said calmly. 

“Okay-y.” Jooheon dragged. “Who is it?”

It’s umm – “ Minhyuk bit inside of his cheek while crossing his legs. “ – a guy.” He said barely above the whisper.

“A guy?” Jooheon furrowed. 

“Yeh.” 

“Wait –“ Jooheon took his lower lip between his teeth. “Is it Hyungwon?”

“W-what?” Minhyuk nearly jumped in his seat.

“ – or Yongguk?” 

“Huh?” Minhyuk’s face fell. 

“Who is it?” Jooheon locked his eyes on the older.

“How do you know?” Minhyuk whispered squirming in his seat. 

“ _Who - Is - It_?” Jooheon asked.

“Hyungwon.” The older whispered out. 

“Huh.” Jooheon said. “That’s why Changkyun – “ His speech trailed off.

“Aren’t you weirded out?” 

“What?”

“Well.” Minhyuk started fiddling with his fingers. “ I – well- “

“I don’t care about your preferences, Minhyuk.” Jooheon’s voice was strict. 

“- as long as you are happy.” There was a pause.

“Wait a minute.” He looked up. “Are you dating Hyungwon?” 

“Huh?” Minhyuk locked his eyes on the younger. “ No.”

“No?”

“No.” He said nervously. “Not yet.”

“Then - “ Jooheon paused. “Yongguk has nothing to do with you?”

“What?” The older whipped his head up. “What does he have to do with it?”

“Hyungwon, he – 

I saw him talking to him a couple of days ago. It was very strange.”

“What?

“Yongguk, he – “Jooheon said thinking. “ – he wasn’t the one who laid his hands on you, was he?”

Minhyuk swallowed.

“He was.” The black-haired guy muttered. 

“Why?” The younger narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you go for Yongguk?”

“I – “ Minhyuk jumped off the counter. “ I didn’t, he was the one who – “

“You know the way he is.” Jooheon blinked at the older. “You also know how abusive he is.” 

“No, I –“

“Minhyuk.” Jooheon whispered. “Did you or did you not give green light to him?”

“Who?” Minhyuk licked his lower lip. “Hyu – “

“Yonggyuk.”

There was a pause.

“Did you date?”

“Jooheon, I don’t understand where you are heading.” Minhyuk’s tone was harsh.

“I’ve known him much longer than I do you.” The younger blinked at the older. “And I know he is an ass but I also know that he likes you.” 

“What are you talking about?”

“He is insanely talented in terms of music but sucks at math. He loses his head when he is angry and even though he likes a lot of people the only name that keeps on reappearing whenever I see him is yours.” Jooheon sharply exhaled.

“I warned you to stay away from him.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Why didn’t you listen to me?” 

“How long?” 

“A year or so.” There was no use in hiding it anymore.

Minhyuk’s eyes were black with shock as he stood there staring at Jooheon. 

The next moment he heard himself laugh. Felt his eyes prickle. Felt a warm tear trickle down his cheek.

“Hey.” Jooheon rushed to where the older was standing. “Stop it.” He caught one of the tears with his index finger.

“I played your friend.” Minhyuk was looking down. “I’ve lost the count of how many times he asked me out but I never took him seriously.” Minhyuk huffed.

“But then – “ He sniffed. “I just wanted to know how it’s like to be with a guy.” His voice started trembling.

“Jooheon, I lead him on.” His face was moist.

“I canceled on him numerous times because I was with a girl.” It came out a little louder than a whisper.

“I didn’t cut ties with him even when I fell for Hyungwon.” He broke down in a silent hysteria. 

“Oh.” The younger breathed.

“Minnyuga.” Jooheon extended his hand to brush his hair off his eyes, tilting his chin up but the older refused. 

The younger took a deep breath in and pulled the older in a tight embrace. He held him until his t-shirt felt warm and then cold from the tears.

“Shh.” He gently patted the top of Minhyuk’s head when Jooheon realized he had no intentions to stop.

“It’s okay.” He felt Minhyuk’s hands find their way towards Jooheon’s waist.

“I am despicable.” He muttered in between the quiet sobs.

“No, you are not.”

* * *

**Nineth of December, 10:01 PM**

“Do you want to stay the night?” Jooheon asked as soon as he noticed Minhyuk walking out of the bathroom.

His eyes were puffy and his gaze disoriented. 

Minhyuk said nothing but slightly nodded while joining Jooheon on the couch, pushing him down and resting his head on the younger’s chest.

Jooheon puffed the air out of his cheeks while putting one arm behind his head. 

“Jooheon –ah.” The red-haired guy whispered. 

“Yeah?”

“What do I do?” He nuzzled his head into the younger’s chest.

“What do you want to do?”

“I am not worthy of Hyungwon.” 

“Of course you are.”

“I am afraid, Jooheon. I am afraid of showing who I am.”

“Minhyuk – “ There was a brief sigh. “Did you have a fight with Hyungwon?”

The older nodded.

“Why?”

“He – “ Minhyuk gulped. “I made him angry because I didn’t want to listen.”

“Listen?”

“He wanted us to come clean but I couldn’t. How do you think he will feel if I say how fucked up I really am? Do you think he will still look at me the same?" Minhyuk's breathing hitched.

There was a puzzled pause.

“Have you ever noticed how distant he is?”

“Hyungwon?”

It was Jooheon’s turn to nod. He ran a hand through the older’s hair.

“I think you can say he is a little cold – “Minhyuk said. “ – but I like it.” He ended up whispering.

Jooheon chuckled. “Of course you do. You know – “ He continued playing with the older’s hair while looking up at the ceiling.

“I was surprised how well Changkyun managed to explain that guy.”

“Changkyun?”

“He used to talk a lot about him when he was serving in the army. I feel like he mentioned him every time he talked to him, as if I was there as well.” 

“Changkyun likes him a lot.”

“He does. And I like you.” There was a pause.

“He is a complicated person but I feel like he had you figured out very early in the game.”

“What do you mean?” Minhyuk mumbled.

“It’s just – “ He remembered that one time they were talking about Minhyuk in the cottage. “ – just a feeling. You have to decide what is more important to you. 

You can keep to yourself and get nothing or you can take a risk and most probably get everything.”

“He will end up hating me if he hasn’t already.”

“I am your safety net, Minhyuk but please don’t treat him the way you treated Yongguk.”

“No.” The older jerked his head up. “I would never – “

The moment he looked at Jooheon the words got stuck in his throat. 

“I wouldn’t.” He let his head fall back onto the younger’s chest. 

"Hyungwon's right, you don't know each other just yet. Hence it only makes sense he wants to know you, now - " Jooheon slightly sturred.

“Let’s go to bed. Sleep on it. I am sure you will have your answer by then. Ah.

I know Yongguk doesn’t deserve it but maybe you should apologize to him. For your own sake.”

“Yeah, I probably should. Moreover – “

“Hmm?” 

“Hyungwon already got back at him.”

Jooheon couldn’t help but laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 100 kudos. (●'◡'●)
> 
> P.S. I have no idea if people notice chapter titles but I am usually very meticulous about them... I was referring to 21 grams experiment by Duncan MacDougall...it's flowed etc but I was thinking about 'weight of the consciousness' but then this figure popped into my mind and I liked it better.


	23. Void

**Eleventh of December, 9:40 PM**

It was Friday evening when Hyungwon was in the library making copies. After 20 minutes of the monotone job, he started to experience auditory hallucinations. 

He wondered if he was going to hear dull sounds of a xerox being made until the end of the day when he went back to his place. 

He spotted his table that was covered with papers and books but that’s not what caught his attention. Changkyun was sitting behind it, flipping through one of the books. 

“Hey.” Hyungwon whispered while brushing a hand over the younger’s shoulder.

“Oh.” The dark-haired guy looked up. “Here you are, I’ve been waiting for 15 minutes.”

“I was making copies.” He put a couple of books and a stack of freshly-inked paper on the table, easing himself on the chair next.

“For me?” Hyungwon’s eyes flickered towards the cup.

Changkyun chuckled. “For you. It’s not my fault if it’s lukewarm by now.”

The taller shook his hand. “You hit the spot. I really needed a dose of caffeine.” He swirled a paper cup a couple of times before taking a sip.

“Are you here to study?” Hyungwon asked after a tiny, relieving _ah_ sound.

“Nah.” He closed the book and pushed it aside. 

“No?” Hyungwon took another sip but then the penny dropped. 

He leaned forward, sniffing the younger. “You are going out.” He chuckled while pulling back.

The dark-haired guy turned his chair so that they were facing each other. “Do I smell and look good?” He smirked. 

“You do.” Hyungwon extended his hand and pushed one of the styled locks away from Changkyun’s face. “Who is your lucky person?”

“Seolhyun.” He beamed. 

“Ah.” The taller looked up at the ceiling. “Soon to be a fashion designer.” 

Something started to whirl in Hyungwon's mind. “Was it France or – “ He finally looked down at the younger.

“She is undergoing some training in Italy right now.”

“Oh, right.” 

“I haven’t seen her in a while.” Changkyun dreamily said. 

“How long is she going to stay?”

“She is heading back after Christmas.”

Hyungwon nodded. “It’s still a mystery to me when was the breaking point for you to decide you wanted a harem.” He ended up snorting.

“Hey – “ The younger protested. 

“The other girl, what was her name? Yeeun? Won’t she mind?” 

Changkyun had the decency to blush. 

“Did I tease you too much?” Hyungwon smiled sheepishly, knocking the younger’s knee with his own one.

“I understand that my relationships are atypical, someone might call them bizarre but truthfully – “ Changkyun shugged. “ – I am happy.”

“And the girls never get jealous?”

The younger shook his head. “You’ve seen Yeeun.”

Hyungwon slightly nodded. “I saw a glimpse of her just last week.”

“We’ve tried seriously dating but it didn’t work but we are compatible so – “

“Do you have rules?”

“Nah. She is free to do whatever she wants. She heard about Seolhyun. Actually, both of them know about each other. So, there are no secrets.”

Hyungwon slightly puckered his lips. “What can I say? Good for you.” He chuckled. 

“Can’t relate.” He said out loud and immediately regretted the said words.

“Have fun.” Hyungwon patted Changkyn’s left knee before turning in his chair, reaching for the coffee again. 

“Actually, I didn’t come here to brag but to check on you. How are you doing?”

“Me?” 

Changkyun watched the older drain the caffeine. 

“I am doing great. I wish professors weren’t so merciless but oh well – “ He wiped his mouth with his left sleeve.

“Uhmm.” Changkyun emitted. 

“What about Minhyuk? Have you seen him?” He wasn’t sure if he was stepping on Hyungwon’s land mine. 

“Erhmm.” Hyungwon’s voice vibrated. “Nope.”

“And you didn’t contact him?”

“Nah.”

“You know, I’ve seen him a couple of days ago.” Changkyun said uncertainly. 

Hyungwon slightly turned his torso towards the younger. Next, he put his right elbow on the table and rested his face in his open palm. 

He blinked twice before saying. “Did you talk?” 

The younger cleared his throat. “There wasn’t too much talking except for him being scared of me.” 

At this Hyungwon chuckled. “Changkyun, don’t let my relationships affect yours.” 

“It wasn’t my intention. He was just looking extremely guilty.”

“Guilty?” His eyes flickered to the side and back at the younger. “That’s good.”

Changkyun’s eyes widened. “Good?”

One of Hyungwon’s strands of hair fell into his eye and Changkyun reached out to push it back.

“Yeah, I hope he is feeling some type of way – sad, anxious, terrible, or guilty. I take it.”

“W-Why – “ The younger swallowed. “ – do you want him to feel terrible?” 

“I hope he likes me. If he doesn’t feel any type of way it means he doesn’t actually give a damn, does it? I hope he at least regrets he rejected me.” Hyungwon pushed the corners of his mouth slightly upwards.

“Did he really?”

Hyungwon half shrugged.

“It doesn’t matter if I reach out to him first because, at this point, it’s up to him.” The taller tiredly exhaled. 

“I am the one who waits. I am the one who busies himself with homework so I don’t have to think or wait anymore. However, whenever I think about it, it dawns on me that I am the only one who is left in this loop of an uncertain period of waiting. Say – “

“Yes?” Changkyun’s voice came out raspy.

“How long do you think it will take him to knock at my door?” Even though he was looking at the younger his gaze was focused somewhere inside himself.

“Do you mean to apologize?”

“Nah. How long will it take him honestly to either accept the whole of me or reject once and for all?” 

The dark haired guy didn’t suppress his truly astonished face. “I don’t know.”

“Neither do I. Neither do I.” Trailed off. 

“Umm but Hyungwon -” 

“Hmm?”

“I saw – “ His hand found its way to the right side of his neck. “Didn’t you leave a - ?”

“Ah.” Hyungwon moistured his lips. “That was before he shut me out on the idea of talking about our pasts and getting to know each other.” He smirked.

“Huh?”

“I got to the point where I was finally ready to talk about how I killed Yujun but –“

“Hyungwon.” The younger yelped.

Hyungwon inspected Changkyun’s expression for a moment but then he fixed his gaze on a bookshelf behind him. 

“ – well, anyway Minhyuk refused to listen. Now that I think about it, is it a blessing or a curse that I had possibly resisted the only opportunity to have sex with him?”

Changkyun exasperatedly sighed. “Your sarcasm is depressing.” 

Despite the said words, Hyungwon noticed the way Changkyun curled his fingers into a fist.

“Changkyunnie – “ Hyungwon leaned forward, putting one of his hands on Changkyun’s clenched hand. “It’s just my coping mechanism. You know all of my nasty sides. I am in no way trying to turn you against Minhyuk. At the end of the day, I am the one who fell for him.” 

“But he – “

“He might have his reasons I don’t know about.” 

“But what if - ?”

Changkyun couldn’t even finish what he was going to say before Hyungwon shunned him. 

“But if he really wants to build a relationship with me merely in the present, then we were never meant to be.” Hyungwon gloomily smiled. “Life is a rocky road.”

“Don’t you think it’s been too rocky for you?”

Hyungwon didn't answer. There was a long stretch of silence.

“I love you, Hyungwon.” He muttered barely above the whisper while clasping his left hand on top of Hyungwon’s.

The older seemed surprised upon the confession. Changkyun rarely put his feelings into actual words. 

He gave one of his warm, slightly shy smiles. “I love you too.” He tightened the grip on the younger’s closed fist. “By the way, aren’t you late?”

“Shit.” Changkyun jumped in his seat, rummaging for his phone.

“Damn, yes. I actually am.” He stood up, pocketing his phone. “Hyungwon, maybe you want to - ?”

“I am not coming with you, Changkyun.” He gave a dismissive wave of his hand. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone.” 

“I will finish it here and go home. The last thing I want is some hot chick calling me a cockblocker.” 

Changkyun snorted. “I guess you are right.”

“Now, go.” He waved at the younger.

It was two hours later, after having his nose stuck in the books when the spots started swimming in front of Hyungwon’s eyes.

He tiredly leaned against the back of his chair, looking outside the deserted street. _It started snowing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still think about how easily and quickly this chapter was written. (￣ω￣;)


	24. Sorry

**Thirteenth of December, 11:03 PM**

The temperature dropped by 15 degrees and the snow hasn’t stopped falling since the previous night. As Hyungwon walked home, it soundly crunched under the soles of his sneakers. 

After readjusting a strap of his backpack that was loosely hanging off his left shoulder he held out his hand, letting big, cotton petals land and immediately melt in his palm. 

He was halfway home when the wind became stronger, an unsettling feeling emerged in his chest. 

He shuddered and turned the collar of his jacket up, tucking his hands in his pockets shortly after. It wasn’t the upcoming snowstorm that was settling in his bones.

He was thinking. Hyungwon usually avoids doing that. No, he has his average of 6000 thoughts per day but that’s not what kept him bothered. 

At that specific moment, he didn’t want to think about Minhyuk. The older hasn’t contacted him yet. It’s been almost a week.

Hyungwon usually tries to avoid thinking about people. He prefers to talk, to feel them. Thoughts are always filled with uncertainty. They are just shadows of our feelings, always darker and emptier.

Hyungwon has also come to the conclusion that there is no much hope of improvement with practice. The experience has taught him that it rarely leads to anything good.

Or maybe they are just excuses and he is just tired to search his skull inside out, overthink his brain only to realize that the choice was never his, to begin with.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, he was sitting on the balcony, smoking. The wind started blowing with a new passion as there was a whistling sound in the corners. 

He inhaled deeply, letting out a cloud of smoke mixed with his own white breath. He curled his knees up, draping his right arm over his legs. 

He looked up at the dark sky. It was a starless, moonless night. An abrupt gust of wind rustled through Hyungwon’s hair. It was at that moment when a dark room next door lit up, followed by a rustling a moment later.

“Ye -” Hyungwon heard as the door was silently opened.

“Yes, mom.” Minhyuk’s voice was tired and distant. “Okay, mom. Good night.” 

There was more rummaging. Then, Hyungwon looked out the corner of his eye at how the older was struggling with the lighter. 

The younger mulled something for a moment but then he said. “Are you a stress smoker?” 

“Shit.” A lighter fell out of Minhyuk’s hands. “Fuck, you should wear a bell.” He was now muttering while walking to the corner of his balcony.

“Kinky.” Hyungwon snorted. “I’ll think about it.”

Minhyuk ignored the said words. “Hello, Hyungwon.” He said, leaning against the railing, overlooking the shadow.

“Hello to you too. Long time no see.”

“Why do you always sit in the dark?” His voice was soft-spoken. 

Hyungwon sucked hard on his cigarette. Minhyuk watched the red tip glowing in the corner of a dark balcony.

“Why are you not saying anything?” The older whispered. 

“How long are you planning on making me wait?” Hyungwon loudly exhaled.

“I suppose the reason you cannot say those words is not even because you don’t mean them. It’s just deep down you know that the moment you do, it will be the beginning of an end.” He put the cigarette out and stood up.

“Are you trying to tell me to give up on you?” The older gripped the railing.

“Minhyuk, that’s what _you_ think I am trying to say? It must be already on your mind.“ Hyungwon coughed. 

“How can you give up on someone if they weren't yours, to begin with?” He motioned towards the door. 

“You – “ Minhyuk rose his voice. He pushed himself over the railing, landing on Hyungwon’s balcony a moment later.

“Why are you doing this to me?” He whisper-yelled while approaching the younger.

“Me?” The taller mumbled. “Me? Minhyuk, it’s the fifth floor. Doors exist.” He ended up screaming.

“Don’t change the subject.”

Hyungwon didn't reply. He entered his bedroom and in the darkness of his flat, he shuffled straight into the kitchen. Minhyuk followed three steps behind.

While Hyungwon opened the fridge, the older turned on the lights.

The red haired guy leaned against the wall, watching Hyungwon popping a can of red bull and taking a greedy gulp. 

The older took in his features – his lips were still thick and sensual but instead of an open-minded and somehow curious gaze, his eyes were lackluster. And his hands, his hands were trembling. Minhyuk thickly swallowed. 

When Hyungwon put the can down Minhyuk started.

“You told me you want me – “ Hyungwon’s eyes found Minhyuk’s. “- and then you pull a 180 and what?” The older looked away. “ – you are just bolting?” 

“No. It’s not like that. I am not losing heart just yet. Not until you say so yourself.” He said flatly.

“And the thing is, it’s not me who is bolting but you – “ 

“Huh.” The older chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing. It’s just funny how you don’t make apologies for who you are. And that’s another thing I like about you, - “

Minhyuk cleared his throat. “- even though the words themselves are cruel.”

“Then –“ Hyungwon looked up at the ceiling. “You making me wait is mercy?” 

“Hyungw – “

“Minhyuk, you could come to me the next day or the day after that. How much time do you need to come with an answer? He narrowed his eyes.

I have a feeling you knew it the moment I walked out the door then why? 

You know the answer. Even now, you are making me -” There was a pause.

“I am sorry.” The older mumbled. “I know what I said was wrong as soon as you left but I am scared.” His voice was barely above the whisper. 

“I am scared that you will see the real me. I am scared that you will be disappointed in me.”

“The only way you are bringing me down is by running away from me. You’ve been ignoring me for a week. Do you know how it feels? What it means?”

“No, Hyungw – “

“Yes. And the more it made sense the colder my body got. How do you expect me to feel if instead of talking to me, expressing yourself, and showing me _you_ , you keep on running away? If you don’t want to be with me, please tell me right now.” 

The older didn’t say anything. He was breathing hard.

“People leave.” The taller said sullenly. “With or without a reason and nothing can stop them.” Hyungwon inhaled. 

“If it hurts this much now, I am terrified to think what can happen later, so please tell me –“ He finally gazed at the older and felt a lump in his throat.

“Why are you crying?” He said breathlessly. 

“I am not crying.” Minhyuk felt tears welling up but he fought them back.

“Hyungwon, I am a lot like my parents. Things that hurt my mother get swept under the rug while my father – “ He bit on his lower lip, hard. 

“He is a terrible man.” Minhyuk’s voice was cold. “People always say that I took after my mom but I know. When I look at him I see it.” There was a brief pause.

“I realize it that I have both of them inside me. The worst of them. Like poison in my blood.

I get silent when I get hurt. I don’t speak my mind.”

“Wait – “ 

“Even to you, my existence is just a burden.” 

“No, Minhyuk you are wrong.”

“No.” Minhyuk wiped the first angry tear away. “What’s wrong with being scared that the person you like will come to hate you?” 

Hyungwon silently walked around the kitchen island towards the older. He put his right hand against the wall while leaning over the older. 

“Look at me.” 

The older silently obeyed. 

Hyungwon looked over the older’s face, eyes finally softening. He was taking Minhyuk’s face in, bit by bit. 

It was the moment when you are supposed to know, when you are supposed to be able to read the other’s thoughts. _Could it be true?_

The clock ticked loudly.

“Minhyuk – “ Hyungwon wiped the wetness of his face with his left thumb.

Another tear trickled down the older’s face.

“Minnyuga – “ He leaned down to kiss the tear away. 

The next moment he was back to looking at the older. Minhyuk's eyes slightly widened but at the same time crystallized and the moment he blinked another tear rolled down his face.

“Hyuk – “ The taller wrapped his hand around the older’s right wrist, leaning forward once again. 

This time he licked it away. When he pulled away to look at the older again, his gaze changed completely.

“Minhyuk – “ He took his hand off the wall while licking over his lips briefly. 

“Mm?” The older stared at him doing so.

“I – “ He pulled the older by the wrist until they walked over to the kitchen island and Hyungwon leaned against it. 

“ – will never – “ He pulled Minhyuk closer. “ – betray you.” 

He held the other. Minhyuk’s head fell into the crook of Hyungwon’s neck. The taller wrapped one of his hands around his back while the other was patting the back of the older’s head. 

Hyungwon buried his face in the older’s hair, inhaling. “I am so sorry for those harsh words.” He tightened the grip.

“I am also scared and worried that I won’t be enough for you. I also live my life by hiding, but Minhyuk –

I want to show you who I really am. And I want you to do the same. You are special to me.” 

Hyungwon slightly nuzzled his nose while Minhyuk emitted a shaky breath. 

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon whispered in the older’s ear as the other pressed his mouth against Hyungwon’s neck.

“Hyungwon.” The red-haired guy whispered after pecking the younger’s neck again. “You are the impact that has been driving my life since the day I met you. I felt it. Since the very first time I laid my eyes on you.” He dragged his lips up the taller’s neck. 

“Stay with me. Not forever but as long as you – “ Minhyuk stopped for a brief moment.

“But at least for now. As long as we have _now_. ” 

“Look at me.” Hyungwon said, his hands were now strong on the older’s waist as his fingers dug into Minhyuk’s skin.

The older forced himself to raise his head. Unsteadily, his gaze locked on Hyungwon's.

“What do you see?” 

A beat.

“You.”

Minhyuk’s face was glowing. He was slightly smiling but his eyes were still shiny with the tears.

“And - ?”

Another beat.

“You are reaching out to me.”

“More than that.” Hyungwon whispered while running one finger down Minhyuk’s nose and chin as if there was a seam there.

“Much more than that.” He grazed a thumb across Minhyuk's lower lip before leaning down to kiss him like the world was about to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier, and simpler.' I was never a big fan of Nietzsche but somehow this saying has stuck in my mind for a very long time now and I used it even before I realized who I was quoting.
> 
> Happy new year. 
> 
> I took this chapter seriously but I don't know how it came across to others. Anyway, hopefully, some of you enjoyed it. See you in the next update.


	25. Midnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW...so if you're not into smut and such you might want to skip this one, even though the tags are self-explanatory. 
> 
> Anyway, brace yourself...it's a very long chapter. 😂

**Fourteenth of December, 00:02 AM**

“Can I stay the night?” Minhyuk murmurs as soon as their lips part. His breathing is deep and unsteady.

“I wasn’t planning on letting you go.” Hyungwon slightly chuckles while running a hand through the reddish hair but then he stops. 

Minhyuk tilts his head to the right and he gets uneasy, borderline anxious because Hyungwon’s eyes are full of something and he has no idea what _that_ something is about.

“I hate it.” Hyungwon mumbles incoherently. He is now feeling one of Minhyuk’s cheeks. 

“I hate seeing you cry.” He mutters louder.

“It seems like all I do is making you cry.” He sighs.

“No.” The older shakes his head. 

“It’s not your fault.” He pecks Hyungwon in the mouth. “I don’t consider myself a crybaby –“ He says, embarrassed. 

“ – I guess I am just tired.” Minhyuk takes a step back and turns around, making his way towards the bedroom. 

“I like to sleep closer to the window.” He yawns while stretching. “Do you mind?” He whispers while looking over his shoulder.

The corners of Minhyuk’s mouth rise into a broad smile and Hyungwon allows himself a small smile as well.

“I don’t.” Hyungwon reaches for a switch and turns the lights off.

It’s only a couple of moments later when Hyungwon goes to find Minhyuk, but the other is already lying in bed under the duvet, his clothes scattered around the floor. 

He snorts, starts to say something but then abandons the idea. He silently gathers everything off the floor and puts it on the dresser. Then, he slips off his own shirt and pants, adds them to the heap, and joins Minhyuk in bed. 

Hyungwon lies back against his pillow, contentedly sighing. It is quiet for a while.

“Come here.” The taller mutters shortly after lifting his right arm higher on the pillow. 

Wordlessly, Minhyuk wiggles his way under the duvet and the younger pulls him into his space. 

He nestles his head on Hyungwon’s right shoulder while his right hand is first thrown over the younger’s stomach but soon it starts traveling around. 

They are light and quick touches as if Hyungwon has the potential to burn him. However, as soon as his nervosity dissipates he lands it on the chest but ends up settling a little higher, over the clavicle. 

Minhyuk soundly breathes in, letting his head fully relax. He closes his eyes and as soundly exhales.

Hyungwon curls himself around Minhyuk. He threads his fingers through Minhyuk’s hair. While he is playing with his locks he locates one of the elder’s feet and before he can realize what he is doing he is brushing one of his feet with his toes.

Minhyuk huffs. “Stop.” He tilts his head up, smiling. 

“Your feet are cold – “ He whines as Hyungwon continues to wriggle his toes against Minhyuk’s foot. 

“ – and it’s ticklish.” He throws his right leg over Hyungwon’s thighs so the other can’t reach him, sinking his fingernails in the younger’s collarbone.

“I am sorry.” 

Minhyuk silently blinks at the younger as the other slightly leans down and touches his cheekbone with his nose. 

Everything is completely still for a moment or two. 

But then Hyungwon starts to slightly nuzzle at the elder’s face, breathing through his mouth. And as soon as he feels Hyungwon’s warm, fitful breathing linger on his face Minhyuk internally shudders. 

“Fuck.” He mutters to himself while digging his fingernails in Hyungwon’s collarbone even harder.

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything but his hitched breathing is more than enough for an answer. His nose lingers for another few moments before it is replaced by his lips. 

He takes a stronger grip of Minhyuk’s head while placing wet kisses on the same spot of Minhyuk’s cheekbone. When he is satisfied he proceeds towards his temple and somewhere towards his hair but it isn’t enough. 

Damn, it isn’t enough for Minhyuk. He feels a tingly feeling that rushes through his veins like heat. Hyungwon’s clavicle is abandoned, and Minhyuk is now clutching onto his neck instead.

“Damn, Hyungwon.” He heavily whispers, his breathing keeping up with his escalated heartbeat. 

“It’s not enough.” He kisses Hyungwon’s jaw.

“I –“ Minhyuk’s mouth travels towards the younger’s neck. “I feel so content and I – 

I want to enjoy this moment but you’re making me so aroused that I – “ 

He doesn’t get to finish, because in a blink of an eye the duvet is pushed away, Hyungwon grabs one of Minhyuk’s legs and with the help of another hand, he maneuvers the older on top of him. He chuckles before securing the older by the neck and pulling him down.

Hyugwon starts with slow smacking of their lips but Minhyuk is impatient. His blood is rushing to his head and he needs some sort of relief. Release named Hyungwon. 

Minhyuk cups Hyungwon’s face, slipping his tongue inside the other’s mouth a moment later. For a while, he has his way. He chaotically moves his tongue inside, licks all over, and chomps on Hyungwon’s lips as if they are a real dish. 

But something changes and it changes fast. If before Hyungwon’s hands were subtly resting on Minhyuk’s hips, now he is digging at them, making him slowly but steadily rock back and forth. 

“God.” Minhyuk thinks to himself. Animal instincts are kicking in and for a fleeting moment of time, he is wondering if he might come just like that, from petty sex movements, dry humping if you will. 

He actually starts to believe he is capable of it the moment he brushes against Hyungwon’s crotch with his own. Hyungwon releases a small groan inside Minhyuk’s mouth and _oh god_. 

Hyungwon is the first guy Minhyuk has ever touched but he doesn’t think he has ever been _this_ horny. 

Is it the excitement of novelty? No. Minhyuk quickly disregards such a petty idea and he wants to slap himself for even thinking about it. Hyungwon is so much more.

He comes to a conclusion that he is love struck, just happens to be incredibly horny and most probably gay. At least, extremely gay for the guy who is now tugging at Minhyuk’s hair and sinks his teeth into Minhyuk’s neck. 

“Ye–s.” He breathes out while saddling Hyungwon’s junk.

Hyungwon still has Minhyuk pinned with one of his hands while the other starts traveling down the elder’s body – shoulder, collarbone, chest, and down his stomach. It sends chills down Minhyuk’s spine. 

“Minhyuk – “ Hyungwon speaks for the first time in a very long while and his voice is breathy, heavy and so hot. 

“Hyungwon – “ He says against the younger’s mouth. 

“What do you want?” Hyungwon's hands are now on Minhyuk’s ass.

Minhyuk freezes. His hands are now next to both sides of Hyungwon’s head and he is just looking at the younger lying beneath him. It’s dark and he can’t see him properly even though he wants to. 

Minhyuk breathes in while Hyungwon breathes out. They are sharing the same air. 

“I – “ He grips on the pillow but his hips are never stopping. He is still straddling the other, though slowly. 

“I don’t know.” Minhyuk whispers, agitated. “Just – “

Hyungwon flips him over and now he is the one on top. 

“Touch me – “ Minhyuk slightly moans as Hyungwon starts kissing him everywhere he can reach. His mouth is desperate and needy and Minhyuk is not sure _how_ or _when_ but Hyungwon knows exactly where to touch and how to kiss. 

The red haired guy feels himself respond to everything Hyungwon was giving him and even more. An unexplainable surge of heat shoots inside Minhyuk and he is positive he broke out in sweat.

“Won-ah, oh god, oh god.” He feels his heart smash against the walls of his chest.

“Just take me, stir me, fuck me, screw me. Anything you want - “ He grunts, puffing the air out of his cheeks. 

“God, yes.” He hisses the moment Hyungwon’s hand snakes under Minhyuk’s underwear and he takes his length in his hand. 

And yes, he has a full-fledged boner. Is he ashamed? Maybe. Does he care? Maybe, but that’s not important when Hyungwon’s tremendously cold fingers make direct contact with his hard on. 

“Yes, yes, yes.” Minhyuk mutters while closing his eyes and concentrating mainly on the sensation. Hyungwon’s movements become more defined and brisk but then he stops and Minhyuk thinks he wants to punch Hyungwon in the guts.

“Why?” He snaps his eyes wide open.

Hyungwon is slightly shifting to the side while sliding Minhyuk’s underwear off. 

A second later he is lying on the bed completely naked and painfully hard.

“Hyuk – “ Hyungwon’s hand is back on his dick and he is slightly relieved. 

“ – I don’t have condoms so - “ He slightly squeezes on his manhood. 

“I will blow you out for tonight, okay?” He reaches over to peck Minhyuk’s lips before moving towards Minhyuk’s aching part.

Something clicks inside Minhyuk’s mind as he quickly blinks.

“Wait.” Minhyuk grabs Hyungwon by the arm, sitting up.

“Hmm?” Hyungwon humms as he continues to lazily stroke Minhyuk.

“No condoms?” Minhyuk asks shell - shocked. 

Minhyuk is not sure why he is so surprised. He has never had sex with a guy before but he already made a picture-perfect scenario inside his mushy brain. 

“Sorry. I haven’t had the need for them -” Hyungwon rubs on Minhyuk’s tip and he instinctively flinches. “ – till now.” He chuckles and Minhyuk is about ready to lose his god damn mind.

Then, Hyungwon takes his hand away from Minhyuk’s boner and he is a little disappointed. However, what Hyungwon does next cancels everything and sends him through another rush of heat instead. 

Hyungwon takes his fingers that were just touching his dick in his mouth, licking them clean. Minhyuk is absolutely sure he has his own precum on them. 

“Don’t worry.” Hyungwon breaks the silence and Minhyuk’s cheeks are burning. 

“It’s been a while but I am pretty good. I will make sure to make you feel good.” He pushes at Minhyuk’s chest and the motion sends him flat down. 

“Ah, I have a gag reflex but I hope it won’t turn you off.” He mutters before leaning over Minhyuk but the older sits bolt upright once again.

“What’s wrong?” Hyungwon says quizzically when Minhyuk grabs him by the shoulders.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Minhyuk breathes hard. “You are too much, too fucking much.” He mutters.

“Wha – “ Hyungwon doesn’t get to finish because Minhyuk grabs him by the arm and makes him fall on the bed instead.

“Let me do it first.” Minhyuk now gingerly helps Hyungwon out of his boxer briefs. 

“Minhyuk, but you – “ He sharply inhales when Minhyuk’s hand grabs him.

“It’s okay.” He is now staring at Hyungwon’s penis in the darkness, trying to make it fully erect.

“You don’t have to – “ Hyungwon mutters.

“What do you mean I don’t have to?” Minhyuk says, stunned. “Where do you have lube?” 

Hyungwon sighs. “In the drawer behind you.”

Minhyuk quickly reaches for it and squeezes a little bit of the substance on his right hand. When the product is warm his hand is back on Hyungwon. It’s wet and slick and very very hot.

“I would come immediately.” Minhyuk explains.

“What?” Hyungwon slightly tilts his head in order to look at the older.

“It’s kinda scary actually.” Minhyuk’s dick is still rock hard but his mind is slightly cleared. 

“ – how my body reacts to you. You cannot imagine how hard I was that time I brought you home when you were drunk.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon breathes out.

“Yeah.” Minhyuk chuckles while quickening the tempo. At this point, Hyungwon is fully hard.

“You’re big.” He says matter of factly. He pumps Hyungwon the way he likes to jerk himself off – fast and rough. But this time he makes sure the lube makes a squeaking sound between his fingers.

“Minnyuga.” Hyungwon’s breathing is hitching and it only soothes Minhyuk’s ego when the taller slightly grips on the sheets. 

“- but anyway – “ Minhyuk licks his lips. “- if I come untouched I will still put your lips to use tonight, deal?” 

“Of course.” Hyungwon jerks his head again in order to look at the older.

Minhyuk jumps off the bed, tugging Hyungwon by his legs.

At this Hyungwon laughs out loud. “What the heck are you doing?” 

“Get on the edge of the bed.” Minhyuk orders while licking the lube mixed with Hyungwon’s fluids off his thumb and Hyungwon’s dick twitches at the sight.

“Fuck.” It is Hyungwon’s time to curse and he moves to the edge of the bed, sitting properly. His eyes never leave the older. He watches how Minhyuk gets on his knees and just stares at Hyungwon’s hard on.

“I’ve never done this before.” Minhyuk grips Hyungwon’s length in his hand.

“Huh?” He is breathing hard. “What about that guy?” Hyungwon says and immediately regrets it. He bites on his tongue, hard.

Minhyuk stops and looks at Hyungwon.

“I’ve never had sex with a guy before as well.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon utters, he feels his own heartbeat. 

“We just kissed a couple of times.” Trails off. “ - but it was nothing like with you.” Minhyuk sputters and it sounds like an excuse.

“Okay, stop.” Hyungwon growls. “Let’s not talk about other people while I am hard and naked because I will turn soft.” He mumbles, tucking one of strand hairs behind Minhyuk’s ears.

“Yeah.” Minhyuk grins. Hyungwon doesn’t see him doing so, nonetheless, he knows he does. 

Next, Minhyuk secures his hand near Hyungwon’s base while leaning closer. He first gives it a couple of experimental, curious licks but it’s enough to make Hyungwon’s body responsive. Another wave of heat is bubbling inside Minhyuk’s body when he leans to suck Hyungwon’s dick into his mouth.

He starts with the slow bobbing of his head up and down but soon he gets bored and tries to take all of Hyungwon’s length in. Minhyuk’s mouth is full, _literally_. 

His eyes slightly water as he feels Hyungwon at the back of his throat. Or maybe even down his throat, he is not sure. But when he hears Hyungwon's moan that is followed by ‘ _fuck, yes _’ he knows he is doing it right.__

__For a while, he thrusts back and force before he pulls out. He realizes his drool that is mixed with lube and Hyungwon’s fluids is streaming down, straight on the floor._ _

__“Oh boy.” He licks his lips, trying to take his salivation under control._ _

__Minhyuk grabs the younger’s thigh and looks up. Hyungwon is already looking at him - breath hot, heavy, and bothered._ _

__“I am pretty sure I don’t have a gag reflex.” Minhyuk pants._ _

Hyungwon’s hand finds its way towards his cheek. “Yeh.” His breathing is beastly but touches are so gentle and loving that Minhyuk thinks he is on the verge of cuming, _again_. 

__“Try to fuck my throat.” He urges by sinking his fingernails into Hyungwon’s thigh as he swallows Hyungwon whole down once again._ _

__“Min - “ But it trails off as both of Hyungwon’s hands find their way towards Minhyuk’s hair and he starts moving Minhyuk’s head._ _

__It’s gentle at first and Minhyuk has an urge to break away and hurry Hyungwon the fuck up but then the shoving gets firmer, stronger, and harder._ _

__At some point, Hyungwon’s left hand shifts towards Minhyuk’s left side of the jaw._ _

__“Fuck, Minhyuk. Just like that.” He says between haggard breaths._ _

__Minhyuk finds everything about this situation sexy but what stimulates him, even more, is the way Hyungwon fucks his mouth at full speed now and yet, yet his hand on his face is so gentle and the pinky that rubs on a small piece of skin on his neck is so intact yet sensual. He cannot take it anymore. While Hyungwon is trying to reach his high, Minhyuk tries to reach his own._ _

__He reaches his painfully hard and neglected erection and starts stroking himself. Stroking quickly changes into merciless ramming and Minhyuk knows he is about to cum._ _

__He is almost there when he feels Hyungwon getting even bigger._ _

__“Hyuk – “ Hyungwon groans as his thrusting gets even more erratic. “I am about to –“ He hisses as his body starts shaking._ _

__Minhyuk feels the pulsation and then Hyungwon releases into his mouth. Minhyuk sinks at Hyungwon’s thigh while he is doing so._ _

__The taller lets go of Minhyuk’s hair and jaw. Minhyuk waits for Hyungwon to get soft before pulling his mouth off of him._ _

__He looks at Hyungwon who is still breathing hard but he knows he is looking at him. He remembers his mouth is still full of the younger’s cum so he swallows. And he swallows with a loud gulping sound._ _

__“Did you just - ?” Hyungwon whispers._ _

__“A little bitter but – “ Minhyuk can barely stay on the knees but that’s not what he thinks about at that specific moment. He looks at his right hand and then emits a small chuckle._ _

__“Minhyuk, are you okay?” Hyungwon helps Minhyuk to stand on his feet._ _

__“Wait – “ He squirms while dashing out of the bedroom, butt naked._ _

__Hyungwon, still drowsy from his high tries to think what he did wrong._ _

__He hears running water and some incoherent humming. Then, Minhyuk runs back. He throws himself dramatically over the bed and crawls towards the younger._ _

__“What’s wrong?” Hyungown mutters._ _

__“Nothing.” Minhyuk chirps while wrapping his hands around Hyungwon’s shoulders, pulling him under the duvet._ _

__“I came while you were fucking my throat.” Minhyuk hoarsely whispers into Hyungwon’s ear._ _

__Hyungwon tenses but the next moment he relaxes. “So you don’t want me to - ?” He rolls over so he is facing Minhyuk. He puts his hand on the elder’s hip._ _

__“Not today.” He mutters dreamily. “Content and tired.”_ _

__Hyungwon hums as he starts tracing soothing circles on Minhyuk’s skin and the older shudders. And he knows that Hyungwon felt it too._ _

__“Are you still horny?” Hyungwon leans forward to smack his lips._ _

__“No.” Minhyuk says confidently but Hyungwon’s devilishly long and cold fingers start travelling across Minhyuk’s body and he is not so sure anymore._ _

__“You were really good.” Hyungwon cups Minhyuk’s jaw and then he leans for another quick kiss._ _

__“And hot.” Another one._ _

__“I can’t believe it was your first time.” This time he pries the other’s mouth open._ _

__They kiss for a minute. Maybe two. It’s a lazy but sensual, full of feelings and intimacy kiss._ _

__Minhyuk feels something in his chest. This time it’s a warm and velvety feeling and he just revels in it._ _

__Hyungwon slowly pulls back and Minhyuk has nothing better to say but to blabber. “You do know that I didn’t brush my teeth and you tasted yourself, don’t you?” He ends up laughing._ _

__“Shut up.” Hyungwon chuckles and wraps his arms around Minhyuk in a tight yet comfortable embrace. He kisses Minhyuk’s apple of the cheek and finally settles against the elder’s neck, sighing._ _

__“Thank you, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon’s voice is silvery, private, and slightly vulnerable. “I am so happy.”_ _

__“Me too.” Minhyuk mutters, closing his eyes. “So so happy.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how my narration switched to Minhyuks' character but it did. I think it was nice for a change. 
> 
> Hopefully, it wasn't too boring and vulgar. I initially wanted things to progress more but if the prelude took me more than 3k I am scared to think how long will be the actual thing. Yikes. 
> 
> The next update will be more down to Earth...and by that, I mean back to drama unraveling. So if you hated this one, hopefully, the next chap will be more up your street.


	26. Caffeine

**Fourteenth of December, 7:08 AM**

Hyungwon woke up to calm breathing next to him. He stared at the semi-darkness of the room and wondered what kind of awakening it was. There were a couple of different types he identified. 

The first sort that has been a constant for a very long time would be waking up alone – alone in bed, alone in life. 

The second type is routine. During his high school years, it was his mother’s yelling and tagging at Hyungwon’s sheets that woke him up. Yelling was replaced by an alarm during his first year of university. Then, he got used to waking to a reveille during his serving time. Even to this day, he hears the poignant honking in his ears from time to time. 

The third type is the one full of anxiety and pain. Hyungwon would wake up drenched in a cold sweat. There were different spectrums of things that have been weighing on his mind but it was always there. At some point, Hyungwon lost the track of what exactly was bringing him into distress. He got to the point where breathing, being awake, being alive has become torture. 

The fourth type was the complete opposite of the third one. Being lost in the dark, stagnant void for a long time has somehow made him immune. So instead of gasping for air, he started to sleepwalk through his life. Upon awakening, he was immediately submerged into another type of somnambulism. Everything was done on an autopilot. The days have lost their color and count. He was alive but as if already dead. It took him a while to even notice it. 

And then there was the last type of awakening he could experience. The type of awakening Hyungwon forgot about. The one he thought he wouldn’t be ever to experience again – waking up content. 

And the main reason for this small piece of heaven was laying less than an arm’s length away. This time Hyungwon wasn’t kicked out of his bed as Minhyuk was breathing peacefully and evenly, his hair covering most of his face. As banal as it sounds that’s what he was feeling that morning -happiness. 

Hyungwon crept out of the bed as quietly as possible. Still naked, he went to find a new pair of underwear and a change of clothes for the day. He turned on the coffee machine before slipping into a shower.

* * *

Fresh, out of the shower he added water into a coffee machine and put the capsule in. He waited for the mug to fill when something crossed his mind.

He silently went to find his keys and shortly after that entered the bedroom. The elder’s even breathing was still as sound when Hyungwon quietly opened the door to the balcony and while breathing in the biting, frosty air he climbed over the railing. 

He turned off the lights in Minhyuk’s bedroom and walked towards the door. Hyungwon sighed in relief when he found the keys stuck in the lock. He reentered his flat and went to make another cup of coffee.

* * *

He took two big sips before grabbing Minhyuk’s mug and padding back into the bedroom.

“Minhyuk.” He put the coffee down on a nightstand.

“Minhyuk.” Hyungwon mumbled when something caught his eyes. He squatted in front of the bed and traced the elder’s tattoo he had no idea he has until now. 

“Hyuk.” He said a little louder, his finger pads were still running across the rose tattoo. 

The older stirred and loudly yawned. “What time is it?” He said sleepily.

“A little after eight.” Hyungwon whispered.

“What?” The older rolled over, eyes surprisingly wild. “Is it?”

The younger nodded while standing up, offering Minhyuk a cup of coffee.

“Oh.” He blinked at it. “Thanks.”

Hyungwon’s brown eyes studied the older as he was blowing on his coffee. 

“I didn’t know you have a tattoo.”

“Ah.” He looked up. “Yeah, I have two.”

“Oh?” The taller arched his eyebrow.

Minhyuk wordlessly swung his legs out of the bed, making sure a piece of the duvet was still draped over his thighs. 

“The one on the back is more recent. This – “ He swung his right leg up in the air. “ – is the first one.”

“A whale?” Hyungwon squatted once again, putting Minhyuk’s leg over his own. 

“Yeah.” Minhyuk said, closely watching what the other was doing. “I like them.”

“I guess you do.” Hyungwon chuckled while outlining the image. “I saw a plushy in your bedroom.” He was now gently running his fingers across the roses.

Minhyuk stopped breathing for the shortest period of time.

“Who would have thought you are so childish?” 

“Hey, I am not – “ Minhyuk opened his mouth to give the younger his piece of mind.

“What is it?” Hyungwon cut him off. He was now touching the scar.

“That’s – “ He was about to snatch his leg away but the taller didn’t let him.

“Hmm?” Hyungwon looked at Minhyuk. “Tell me.”

“I tore my ligament, thus the scar.” He shrugged. 

“Does it still hurt?” 

“No.” Minhyuk observed the way the younger was back to staring at his tattoo. 

“What about roses? It’s similar to the ones on the back.”

The older gave another half-hearted shrug. “I like them.”

“And the mirror?” Hyungwon peeked at the other for a fleeting moment.

“So you did recognize it to be a mirror.” Minhyuk asked, amazed.

Hyungwon said nothing.

“Some people like cats while I like whales. I didn’t want to look at the scar so I covered it. Considering the other one – “

There was a brief pause. “It’s a reminder to love yourself. Now that I think about it, it sounds dumb.” Minhyuk furrowed.

“Stop it, it tickles.” He whined a moment later as Hyungwon ran his fingers across the ink in a brisk, playful way.

“It’s not stupid.” Hyungwon bent over in order to kiss the scar but the next moment he was letting the other’s leg go, cracking his knees upon standing up.

Minhyuk’s first reaction was to thickly swallow. However, it was soon replaced by a burst of stifled laughter. “Are you an old man?” 

“I aged a decade during the army.” The taller chuckled.

“I need to go to classes.” He leaned down and put both of his hands on the other’s thighs. “I brought your keys.” He stared at the older.

“Oh.”

“Please, don’t do this again.” He brushed his lips against the elder’s cheek. 

“The roses are indeed gorgeous and so you are- “ He whispered into Minhyuk’s ear.

“But to me, you are more of a cherry blossoms material.” He huffed before letting go and going over to the wardrobe.

“Why?"

“I like cherries.” The taller said while rummaging through the racks.

Minhyuk snorted. “You really say whatever comes to your mind.”

Hyungwon ignored the remark. “I associate roses with something beautiful yet thorny.” He slipped one of the sweaters off the rack.

“I hold a different image of you.” At this, Minhyuk turned to look at Hyungwon who was struggling to put the sweater over his oversized white shirt on.

“A breath of fresh air, spring vibes. You are that type of person.” He finally managed to put it on. “At least in my eyes.” He shut the wardrobe and looked at the older.

Minhyuk avoided his gaze. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” The older took the last sip of his coffee and put the mug away on a nightstand. “Where is my underwear?” 

“Did I say something wrong?” Hyungwon mumbled to himself while looking for the elders’ boxer briefs. 

“Found them.” Minhyuk said while briskly tugging them on. Next, Hyungwon watched how the older was pulling on his pants at the speed of lightning. 

“Are you being shy?” Hyungwon couldn’t help but snort, watching the older fuss over the clothes. 

“Shy?” Minhyuk said while he was throwing on his shirt. “Yeah, probably.” 

Hyungwon noticed Minhyuk’s cheeks lit up a rosy color. “Why?”

“Just – “ The older was now approaching the taller, putting his hands on the other’s shoulders. “- because it’s you.” He kissed him on the lips and detached just enough to whisper. 

“I didn’t forget, so – “ Minhyuk was staring at Hyungwon’s lips.

“Do you mind, no – 

Do you want to come to my parent’s house tomorrow to have dinner?” His eyes finally went back up and he met Hyungwon’s stare without backing away. The older stood motionless, blinking.

“Your parents?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay?” Hyungwon searched for something in the other’s gaze but there was nothing. 

“Great.” Minhyuk let the younger go, shuffling outside the bedroom.

“Umm, Minhyuk.” The younger followed the older like a chick it’s mom, closely behind. 

“Hmm?” He grabbed his pair of keys and turned to face the taller.

“Is everything okay?” He said uncertainly. 

“One step at a time.” Minhyuk's corners of the mouth rose into a grin. “I won’t be able to see you tonight, so I suppose until tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Bye.” Minhyuk reached out to ruffle the taller’s hair and the next moment he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should stop running my mouth since I have 7 Fridays in the week...there was a cliffhanger but I left it for the next chapter since it was really unnecessary. 
> 
> Any ideas what it's all about? ^(#｀∀´)_Ψ
> 
> See you in the next update.


	27. Domino effect

**Fifteenth of December, 4:59 PM**

Having long hair has many advantages. Hyungwon could change it daily according to his mood. Especially, after having survived dozens of momentary impulses to cut it off. 

However, now that he was standing in front of the mirror and styling the strands that were usually falling into his eyes out of the face in an effortless yet _there was an effort made_ put him in some sort of a dilemma. The least Hyungwon wanted to do is to send a weird statement to Minhyuk’s parents. 

There was a knock at the door.

“Damn. Damn.” He briskly walked into his bedroom and grabbed one of the nicer pieces in his wardrobe and hurried out.

He looked in the mirror in the hall, checked that the emerald green coat was sitting the way it should. After fastening the last button he took a deep breath and opened the door. 

They stood staring at each other for a moment or two but then Minhyuk snorted which was followed by a loud chortle.

“Where do you think you are going?” His eyes crinkled. “Miai?” 

“Shut up.” Hyungwon said without malice as he locked his door and motioned towards the elevator but his eyes never left Minhyuk’s mop of hair.

“You dyed it black. It suits you.” 

“Do you like it?” The other ran a hand through his hair. 

“A lot.” There was a short pause. “- but why the sudden change of heart?”

“My father – “ But then he stopped and Hyungwon felt it. The topic was making him uncomfortable so he let it go. Instead, he said.

“Do you think I overdid it?” The younger peeked at Minhyuk the moment they stepped into the elevator. 

“I don’t know.” The older started snickering again. “At least you aren’t wearing a suit, so you aren’t completely mad.” 

“I am nervous.” Hyungwon said in a small voice.

The elevator stopped and both of them stepped out.

“You shouldn’t.” The older grabbed Hyungwon’s left hand and tucked it inside his pocket. “Hyungwon – “ 

“Yes?” The taller opened the door and let Minhyuk step out first.

“I am sorry.” 

“What for?” He arched his eyebrow.

“I think you got the wrong idea, I am not planning to introduce you as my – “ He coughed. “ – as my –“

“Boyfriend?” The younger gripped the elder’s hand. “Yeah, I know.”

“You do?” Minhyuk whipped his head towards the younger. “Then why did you – “ 

“Is it so bad to try your best to leave a good impression on my boyfriend’s parents?” Hyungwon slightly turned Minhyuk’s way, giving him one of his soft smiles.“You said your folks live in Mapo-gu?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, we need to stop by one place so move it.”

* * *

“You really didn’t have to.” Minhyuk said as they turned down the street on the left. 

“I was planning on buying flowers but I thought tartelettes and mini cakes would be more appropriate.” The taller mumbled grumpily.

“But the whole box?” Minhyuk laughed out loud. 

The sky was gray and an icy wind was blowing at Hyungwon’s face. He pushed one of the strand hairs away from his face. 

“You know you can be pretty anno – “ He started but the older cut him off. 

“We are here.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon looked around. The street was full of similar-looking houses. The house itself didn’t stand out. It was neither a big nor a small two stories house painted in syrup brown. What made it stand out to Hyungwon is the idea of Minhyuk growing up here.

“Come on.” Minhyuk motioned with his hand.

“It’s nice.” Hyungwon muttered as his gaze was chaotically running back and forth.

The older shrugged while stepping on a porch and ringing the bell. “It’s nothing special.”

A moment or two passed. 

“Huh.” Minhyuk muttered. “Are they not home yet?” He rummaged in his pocket and took out a pair of keys. 

He unlocked the door and stepped in. “Mom? Dad?” He yelled while kicking his shoes off.

Hyungwon didn’t move an inch.

“What are you standing there for?” The older turned around. “Come in.”

“Ok.” Hyungwon did as he was told. He took his shoes off and put them nicely aside. Then he took his coat off and put it on the hanger.

“Minhyuk?” He asked as the older was nowhere to be seen. 

“They aren’t home yet.” He reappeared while tugging his coat off. He threw it on the hanger and grabbed the younger by the wrist. 

“What do you want to drink?” He asked sheepishly while motioning towards the kitchen. 

“I don’t know.” Hyungwon said, his nervousness getting the best of him.

“Relax.” He let the other go and grabbed the box of pastries instead, putting it on the table. Next, he opened the fridge and whistled. 

“We are having samgyeopsal tonight.” He said while eyeing all the meat and vegetables in the fridge. “Do you like it?” He looked over his shoulder. 

At this Hyungwon chuckled. “Who doesn’t?” He went to sit behind the kitchen island. “Tea.”

“Hmm?” Minhyuk was back to going through the fridge, already munching on something.

“Tea.” Hyungwon repeated a little louder. “And then I want to see your room.” He said, embarrassed. 

The words caught Minhyuk’s attention as he slammed the fridge doors shut and turned to look at the older, still chewing on something. 

“Chae Hyungwon.” He laughed. “Are you a hopeless romantic deep inside your heart?” 

“What?” Hyungwon furrowed. 

“Well, you know most manga and anime has this scene where a guy wants to take a look at the girl’s room?”

It took Hyungwon a moment to process the said words. “Minhyuk – “ He said at the end. “You watch too much anime.” He chuckled.

Minhyuk said nothing. He poured the water and put the kettle on. 

“I am just curious, is it bad?”

“Oh, but it isn’t.” Minhyuk said in a teasing voice. “Not at all.” He looked over his shoulder for a fleeting moment, showing his toothy grin. 

The next moment he was back to shutting and opening the cupboards. He took two teacups.

“What type of tea?” He asked, looking at the shelf dedicated to it.

“Black is fine.”

“Okay.” He took the box out and closed the cupboard. At this, the front door was unlocked and opened.

“Oh.” Minhyuk turned to look at the younger. “They are here.” He smiled but then his face fell flat.

As soon as the door was closed both of the guys could hear a muffled whisper yelling. Apparently, Minhyuk’s father was accusing his mother of something. At least that’s what Hyungwon could pick up from bits of intermittent conversation. 

“What, are you that happy to get rid of me - ?” It was the father. And then there was a hallow but loud slap.

Hyungwon’s jaw dropped, his eyes automatically darted to Minhyuk. The color was drained from his face as he stood there confused and hurt. The younger could see all of the indescribable pain that gathered in his eyes.

Hyungwon swallowed hard upon standing up.

Another blow followed. 

“I am going to kill him.” Minhyuk whispered mostly to himself as he took two steps forward but then he made an abrupt u-turn and opened one of the drawers.

“I am going to bloody murder the bastard.” He repeated to himself once again while grabbing the biggest knife.

However, before he could close the drawer and turn around one of Hyungwon’s arms went around his waist while another snatched the knife away. He put his head between the elder’s shoulder and neck.

“Shh.” He whispered into Minhyuk's ear soothingly. 

“Let me go, Hyungwon.” The older growled.

“Minhyuk and his friend are here.” Hyungwon heard his mother whisper. 

“What?” There was confusion in his father’s voice.

“Shhhh.” Hyungwon put the knife back into the drawer and shut it. 

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk’s voice was trembling. But it wasn’t only his voice that was trembling. His entire body was violently shaking like he got a very bad flu.

“Mrs. Lee?” Hyungwon loudly shouted, putting his cheek next to Minhyuk’s but the next moment he was tugging at a piece of the elder's sweatshirt. He opened his mouth, took a deep breath and sank his teeth into Minhyuk's shoulder, hard. He was holding him tightly while voluntarily trying to inflict pain on the older. It was a merciless bite. 

" _Hmmpf _, that fucking hurts." Minhyuk uttered as his neck muscles tensed sending him into a paralyzing chill.__

__"I am sorry." Hyungwon loosened his grip, tasting iron in his mouth. He quickly fixed his sweatshirt so the red, angry, bleeding mark is not visible._ _

__“Let this pain overpower the rest." He whispered. "Calm down and then come out.” He kissed him at the back of his hair before letting the older go._ _

____

____

Upon taking a deep breath he walks out of the kitchen. “Mrs. Lee?” He forces himself to sound natural but it's anything but that. 

Less than a minute. It takes less than a minute to change everything. It hits him like a wedge into an opening he has forgotten to seal but have thought it miraculously managed to heal on its own. In vain, he feels something heavy squeezing his heart. It's blue, painful, and just way too overwhelming. For a fleeting moment, for a tiny wisp of time, he considers running away but he doesn't.

He stays. He hopes this time it's different and he can make a change.

He hopes to. _Even if it's a lie. A lie that he has changed to someone else_.

Hello.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I or did I not fuck it up at the very end? That is the qn.
> 
> See you in the next update.


	28. Chains

**Fifteenth of December, 5:21 PM**

Hyungwon blinked twice, swallowed. “Hello.” 

Three of them stood staring at each other across the living room for a moment or two.

Minhyuk’s father was wearing dark pants with a nicely ironed button up but he hadn’t shaved. Hyungwon's first expression was that he glared at him. It looked like he had an evil hangover and there were black circles under his eyes. However, he dismissed the idea as soon as it appeared.

It wasn’t the hangover, Hyungwon thought. The more he stared the more details he could see. His face was pale, as watchful as ghosts' and his eyes. He wasn’t glaring at him. They were murky and glossy. He looked sick. That’s what it was. 

He quickly glanced at Minhyuk’s mother who was already looking at him. She was wearing a simply tailored but chic, cream dress. She smiled, but she didn’t look happy.

Fuck that. Fuck happy. Hyungwon’s heart was thumping so wildly he thought it might explode. 

Despite that, he deeply breathed in and breathed out a long, shivering wheeze. “My name is Hyungwon.” 

“Oh my!” The mother put a hand over her mouth. “Aren’t you one handsome lad?!” 

And Hyungwon saw it. Behind the hand, her face ran through a whole range of emotions. Was she sincere? Hyungwon couldn’t tell. 

He bowed respectfully. By the time he returned to his original position, the couple was already making their way towards him.

“It’s nice to meet you.” The father offered his hand.

Hyungwon internally shuddered but shook it nonetheless. He noticed how weak and shaky his hand was.

“You are so tall.” It was the mother. 

Hyungwon stared down at her. She was beautiful. Minhyuk was right, he looked a lot like her. Nonetheless, no matter what, there was an undeniable resemblance between him and his father as well. 

He tried to look for signs of violence but there were none. Hyungwon chuckled out of place. “Of course there are no signs.” He thought to himself.

“Where is Minhyuk?” She brought him back to reality.

“Ah.” Hyungwon’s heart found its way all the way up to his throat. 

At this, something slammed at the back of the house. There were heavy steps and then Minhyuk appeared from another door. He glanced first at Hyungwon. He seemed neither furious nor heartbroken. Nonetheless, he had a troubled, secretive expression and it somehow made the younger even more uneasy.

“Mom.” His eyes darted towards her. “You’re late.” He said somberly.

“I am sorry, honey.” She went to hug her son. 

“Is something wrong?” She said as soon as they parted.

“Wrong?” He looked down at her. “No, what can be wrong?” 

Hyungwon felt chills running down his spine.

“But you look so – “

“So what?”

“So lost.” She was now stroking his cheek.

“I am fine.” He took her hand and kissed it.

“Hello.” He looked at the man who was still standing next to Hyungwon.

“Hi, son.” His voice was calm and composed.

Minhyuk quickly glanced at Hyungwon. His eyes have gotten a shade darker. 

“I am dying of hunger.” He was back to looking at his mother.

“Hyungwon, I suppose as well?!” She looked over her shoulder, beaming.

Minhyuk was still staring at her. To be more specific, he was searching. He played with her hand, pulling at the long sleeve as discreetly as possible. 

“I will get everything ready.” She said turning around and making her way towards the kitchen. 

“I’ll help you.” Minhyuk followed a few steps behind. 

Hyungwon was left alone with the father.

“Do you drink?” Mr. Lee said while motioning towards the mini bar that was situated in the corner of the room.

“Sometimes, sir.” Hyungwon breathed out.

“Would you like a drink?” He was now pouring himself a glass.

“Yes, please.” Hyungwon was still glued to the spot.

“Do you – “ He was now poring a second glass. “ – by any chance know how to play chess?” He turned around. His pale eyes found Hyungwon’s. 

“I used to play a lot with my father when I was a kid, sir.”

“Oh.” For the first time, he gave a ghost of a smile. “Come sit. Let’s play a game.”

“Okay.” Hyungwon found himself muttering while taking a sit across a small table next to the french window.

He tried to control himself, sipping on whiskey while Minhyuk’s father was putting the figurines on the chessboard.

* * *

They didn’t speak. Hyungwon’s eyes were trained on the man across the coffee table. He felt nausea rising.

“I mustn’t throw up. I mustn’t throw up. Don’t lose the concentration, Hyungwon.” He found himself dumbly gazing at the ceiling, trying to return to a more relaxed state.

He heard Minhyuk’s indistinct chatter that was followed by his mother’s laughter. 

“Damn.” His gaze fell back to the board.

“You know – “ 

Hyungwon flinched. He locked his gaze on the man. Mr. Lee’s pupils were dilated and his forehead was damp with sweat.

“Are you feeling alright?” Hyungwon arched an eyebrow. 

The man ignored the words of concern. Instead, he said. “Minhyuk never brought his friends home.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon said. It was all he could say.

“Even girlfriends.”

Another ‘ _oh_ ’ followed. 

“I wonder – “ But it trailed off as soon as Minhyuk walked in with a portable gas cooker and a grill plate. He put it in the middle of the dining table. 

“Let’s eat.” Hyungwon looked at Mrs. Lee that appeared with a big tray of meat.

To say it was an abhorrent dinner would be an exaggeration. However, it would be honest to say that at this point Hyungwon felt torn and tired as he was confronted with moral values once again. 

Hyungwon’s palms were sweating. Despite the open window, the room seemed stuffy and suffocating. He could hear Minhyuk’s breathing – quiet, haggard, deep breaths. 

“You aren’t eating.” 

Hyungwon looked up. He was met with a look of concern. Minhyuk’s mother took a perilla leaf. She put a mouthful of meat. After she added sauce she extended her hand. “Here.” She smiled. 

Hyungwon swallowed. “Thank you.” He said politely while reaching across the table and letting her feed him. 

He returned to his seat, chewing thoroughly. 

“Minhyukki said you are neighbors.” The mother picked the moment to make Hyungwon talk, who has been completely silent until now.

“Yes.” He took a tiny sip of his drink.

“And how old are you?” 

“Twenty-one.” Hyungwon put the glass down, looking directly at her.

“So you are a junior.” She smiled. “Does Minhyuk help you to study?” Hyungwon swore he could hear the tiniest chuckle.

“Umm no.” Hyungwon shifted in his seat. “Actually I am a second year and we aren’t in the same major.” Hyungwon glanced at Minhyuk. The older was silently nodding.

“Second?” The mother seemed surprised.

“I was serving in the army, so – “ 

“Oh.” Mr. Lee spoke it seems like for the first time in forever. 

Hyungwon dragged his eyes towards him. His gaze was still apathetic but his tone seemed interested. 

“It’s rare to see young people to enlist so early these days.”

“Yes, I had my reasons.” At this point Hyungwon’s hands were sweating so much he thought he could feel them through his pants.

The older man said nothing but Hyungwon took his bobbing of the head as a reply.

“Hyungwonnie. “ The mother started again. “Do your parents live here?”

“No, I am from Gwangju.”

“So they live there?”

“Yes.”

“When he just moved in he treated me to dinner that his mother packed for him.” Minhyuk knocked Hyungwon’s knee with his own. He was chewing while making another wrap. 

“They were some good dumplings.” He turned around and smiled at Hyungwon while practically shoving the wrap inside his mouth.

“Mmph thanks.” 

Small talk started around the table and Hyungwon became silent once again as he sat there in limbo.

There are many people that don’t know what’s best for them. Minhyuk’s mother is one of them, Hyungwon thought to himself. They just exude, give, pour love without demanding anything in return. He supposed they are hoping that the time will come and one day they will be rewarded for their hopeful but in reality hopeless affection.

Pity? Did he pity Minhyuk’s mother? Did he want to pity her? He wasn’t sure. 

He can most probably feel her pain, the sorrow that must be filling her soul but he doesn’t want to. Not anymore. Not again.

He doesn’t want to think about anyone but Minhyuk. Minhyuk is the only reason he is sitting here and speeding his brains out and tries to stay put. 

He is considerate only towards his emotions. You can’t save everyone. And they can’t save us. We can only try to be good for someone but in the end, only we can save ourselves.

He feels the pressure rising in his head, his blood starts pumping through his veins with a new force. 

He ends up reaching for his one and only comfort. He wipes his moist hand and discreetly puts it on Minhyuk’s lap, digging his fingers in shortly after. 

Minhyuk’s first reaction is to jolt but soon his left hand finds its way under the table and he puts it on top of Hyungwon’s.

Hyungwon briefly closes his eyes and pulls a deep breath in. He wishes for it to end soon.

He doesn’t realize someone has been watching this exchange the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any dibs on who was watching? Lol
> 
> There was one chapter where I was wondering whether Hyungwon’s character comes across as cold…I want to ask it now. Does he? I would be glad to hear an opinion if anyone is up for it.
> 
> I’ll see you soon.


	29. Ties

**Fifteenth of December, 6:19 PM**

“Something doesn’t feel right.” The father said while reaching for his glass and offering a half-hearted shrug when Minhyuk asked “What exactly is not right?” making an emphasis on _right_. 

“Who is ready for a dessert?” Mrs. Lee asked frantically. It was an attempt to ease the air that has become even dicier. 

“I’ll help you.” Hyungwon pushed his chair loudly back, standing on his feet quickly. 

He was desperate for a breath of fresh air but since it was not possible just yet he chose the lesser of two evils. 

Minhyuk didn’t move an eyebrow as both Hyungwon and his mother motioned towards the kitchen.

“What do you like, Mrs. Lee?” Hyungwon asked, wondering what pieces to put on her plate. “Chocolate, vanilla, berries, everything?” He slightly moved her head in order to look at her.

“Sweet tooth runs in our family so I am not very picky.” She smiled at him.

Hyungwon nodded. “I’ve noticed Minhyuk likes sweet things as well.” He said while putting all three kinds of pastries on her plate. Next, he grabbed another plate and repeated to do the same.

“How is he doing?” She asked while reaching for teacups.

“What do you mean?” He licked vanilla cream off his finger, turning towards her, giving all of his attention.

“What the hell?” Minhyuk’s loud voice resonated from the living room. 

Mrs. Lee jumped while Hyungwon’s darkest thoughts were finally coming to life, making his insides twitch with inexplicable anxiety. 

“What in the actual hell?!” They heard him yell as both of them walked back into the living room.

“What’s wrong?” Mrs. Lee was standing next to Hyungwon, eyes wild.

Minhyuk threw Hyungwon’s empty glass he picked from the table. It hit the wall behind his father’s head where he was sitting in a chair. The older man didn’t flinch.

“You bastard.” Minhyuk growled, and Hyungwon saw him searching for something else to throw.

“What is going on?” The mother spoke once again. 

“Did you know?” Mr. Lee looked up at his wife. “Our son is gay.”

Hyungwon thickly swallowed as he turned to look at Mrs. Lee who was already looking at him. He turned stone cold.

“Does it mean - ?” She said looking into Hyungwon’s nervous eyes.

“I – “ The words got stuck in his throat. 

“So what?” It was Minhyuk who slammed his hand on the table. 

“It’s none of your concern who I date but you – “ He gritted his teeth as he banged it once again. 

“ – have no right to badmouth Hyungwon. Do you know what my failure of a father said about you?” He looked over his shoulder, locking his eyes on the taller.

“He was asking if you blackmailed me into the relationship and if I need help.” He scoffed. “As if I would ever need help from someone like you.” He was back to looking at Mr. Lee.

“Minhyuk – “ His mother’s faint voice was overpowered by the father’s more aggressive one. 

“What are you even thinking about? Men?” He glanced at Hyungwon and this time it was certainly a glare. “You know your mother wants grandchildren.”

Something rang a bell in Hyungwon’s mind – manipulation. 

“Oh shut up.” Minhyuk wasn’t having any of it. “Do you really think I would want kids? Kids?” His voice was getting louder with every sentence. 

“Not even once did I consider having kids. I will tell you more, not even once did I consider the idea of marriage.”

“What?” Mr. Lee furrowed. 

“Why do you look so surprised?” His son snarled. “Maybe you don’t understand how terrible of a person you are but I do. And I also know that I am your son.”

“You make no sense.” He said gravely.

“You laying your filthy hands on your own wife and my mother.” There was a brief pause where Minhyuk took a deep breath. “That’s what doesn’t make any sense.”

“Minhyuk.” His mother yelped which was followed by a sob.

Hyungwon looked down at her, swallowing the lump in his throat. He shakily reached for Mrs. Lee’s hand, slightly and ever so gently caressing it. 

He half expected to be rejected but he wasn’t. She looked up at him, tear eyed. A beautiful face that was ruined by the crocodile, full of regrets tears. 

Broken family. One likes to think that everything is salvageable. That there is always light at the end of the tunnel but Hyungwon has learned one thing in his life that it’s a lie. Love doesn’t solve everything. And whoever thinks it does is a fool.

“Just once – “ Minhyuk huffed. “I wanted to have a normal dinner and you ruin everything. Mother, when are you finally going to divorce this jerk?” 

“Minhyuk.” Mr. Lee stood up.

Hyungwon stared and something crossed his mind. He wondered if his father was sizing him up as if he was contemplating whether to hit him.

“Go ahead!” 

More crashing.

“Do you think I am scared of you?”

“You ungrateful – “ Father grimaced. “Don’t expect me to sponsor you if you are going to behave like this.” 

“Sponsor? You? Me?” He said in disbelief. “It was always mom who was taking care of me, starting with toys to higher education.” He said in a quick, angry voice.

“You’ve never given a fuck about me or mom, just yourself.” He breathed wearily.

There was the shortest pause as Minhyuk’s chest was heavily rising and falling.

“Fine.” He rapidly went to find his jacket, while putting it on he fished his wallet and took out a card. 

“Here.” He slammed it on the table. “Die.” He said while walking towards the hall. 

“Hyungwon, let’s go.” He said before opening the front door and dashing out, leaving it open behind.

Everything went quiet except for muffled sobs. 

Hyungwon watched Mr. Lee sighing and sit down heavily in the chair. 

What was he supposed to do? Hyungwon didn’t know. Just a couple of hours ago he was fidgeting in front of the mirror, hoping to leave the best impression possible on Minhyuk’s parents but now it seemed so distant. 

The door that led him to freedom was just a couple of meters away, so why did he keep on standing there, frozen?

He looked down at Mrs. Lee, she was pale and shaken, gasping for air between her sobs. 

Would she be alright? Was he going to beat her as soon as he stepped out of the house? He wasn’t sure. But would she follow him? At least he had to try. 

“Maybe you want to stay with Minhyuk tonight.” Hyungwon said, looking at her blankly.

She looked up at the taller. “Umm, no it’s alright.”

“Are you sure?” He turned to look at Mr. Lee. There was no use in pretending. Hyungwon leveled him with his gaze, trying to make him beg for mercy but alas the other couldn't care less.

The older man looked at Hyungwon for the last time before standing up and quietly walking out of the room and up to the second floor. 

Both Hyungwon and Mrs. Lee breathed out. Hyungwon took in the damage – an empty table, glass scattered around the floor, a weeping mother, and an open door. 

“Maybe - “Hyungwon walked down the hall to find his jacket. He put it on and rummaged through his pockets. He found a pack of tissues and offered it to Mrs. Lee. “ – I can book a room for you in a hotel.” He mumbled.

She shook her head while accepting the tissues. 

“As you wish.” He said colder than he anticipated. “I am sorry for ruining the dinner - ” Hyungwon said while fastening the buttons. “ – but I won't apologize for liking your son.” He said quietly. 

He was about to turn around when she grabbed him by the wrist. “Wait.” She wasn’t crying anymore.

Hyungwon looked over his shoulder, arching an eyebrow. “I made some food for Minhyuk. Can you pass it to him?” She looked up, slightly smiling.

“Of course.” His voice was livelier.

They silently went to the kitchen and Hyungwon watched her pack different dishes into tupperware. When she was done she put it in a festive paper bag and handed it to Hyungwon. He silently took it and motioned towards the door.

Hyungwon was putting his shoes on when Mrs. Lee came closer. “This as well, please.” She was handing him the credit card. 

He nodded while taking it. 

“I am sorry.” She quietly said.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Mrs. Lee.” 

“Maybe, if you don’t mind – “ Trailed off.

“Maybe what?” 

“Is it okay with you to exchange numbers?” She looked hopeful.

Hyungwon sighed. “Of course.”

On his way out he looked over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of his favorite person’s mother for the last time. She was standing on the porch, looking solitary.

“Mrs. Lee.” Hyungwon said through the howling wind.

“Yes, Hyungwonnie?”

“We want to be liked by the people we like. Others aren’t that important, are they?”

She nodded as if to say she understood him. “Yes, you are absolutely right.”

“He left me.” Hyungwon thought to himself while walking down the street. It was cold and the snow was falling heavily but at least it was over. 

_For now._ Something whispered inside Hyungwon’s mind but he pushed the idea away.

He turned the corner, trying to reconstruct all the way to the underground. He was passing by the obnoxiously lit shop when someone called his name. 

Hyungwon stopped in his tracks, breathing out a sigh of relief. 

“I am sorry I left you behind.” He heard the squeaking of the snow. 

“I was so furious that I didn’t realize you weren’t following me.” Minhyuk popped something, putting his left hand on Hyungwon’s shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” He put his face closer to Hyungwon’s. He took a sip of what by the smell was beer. 

The gruesome, pulsing, erratic feeling in Hyungwon's chest he thought had left came back and this time it took complete control.

“Oh god.” He muttered while pushing a bag into Minhyuk’s hands and hurrying towards a deserted corner. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Hyungwon didn’t answer. He managed to put his hand against the concrete wall and bend down before the dinner found its way out.

“Shit.” He heard Minhyuk utter while walking over but Hyungwon held up his other hand in order to stop him from coming any closer.

“Fuck. Ok – ok, water.” Minhyuk mumbled to himself while throwing the can in the bin. “Hold on, I’ll get you some. Damn.” 

“Ugh.” Hyungwon leaned against the wall as soon as he was done. He reached into his pocket but the realization came that the tissues that were usually there were gone. 

Hyungwon’s throat was sore, his stomach was flip-flopping but somehow he felt better. 

“Hyungwon –“ Minhyuk materialized with a bottle of water and bless his soul with a pack of tissues. 

Wordlessly, he accepted both. He took a big sip of the water and sloshed it inside his mouth before spitting it out. Next, he quietly wiped his mouth.

He finally turned to look at the older, the expression in his eyes was hard to read. 

“The bastard hasn’t poisoned you or something, has he?” Minhyuk tilted his head slightly to the right.

“No.” Hyungwon waved the words away while walking over to where Minhyuk was standing. 

“Let’s go.” He proceeded to walk but Minhyuk grabbed him by the forearm.

“No?” It was Minhyuk’s turn to search for something in Hyungwon’s gaze.

The taller shook his head. Hyungwon was ready to come up with a white lie and say something like he had too much to drink before dinner since it would be a blatant lie to say he overate but Minhyuk was faster.

“Did you stress out to the point of vomiting?” Minhyuk asked unsurely.

Hyungwon swallowed. It was more than enough of an answer for the older.

They stood looking at each other.

“I am sorry, I wish I didn’t bring you.” He said in withdrawal. “I had no idea it would end like this. If only my family was-” 

Hyungwon cut him off by flicking Minhyuk’s forehead.

“What for?” 

“It’s not about better, nicer, normal, or different Minhyuk.” He heaved a heavy sigh while looking up at the starless sky. A million thoughts drifted through his mind. 

Minhyuk waited for the younger to continue while observing his white breath and snowflakes that were falling down onto his hair and face.

Hyungwon opened his mouth but the words just wouldn’t come out.

The older waited for another moment or two before softly, breathily saying. “Let’s go home, Hyungwon.”


	30. Falling into you

**Fifteenth of December, 8:22 PM**

Hyungwon wasn’t sure what he has expected but the world certainly didn’t turn upside down. The cars were honking, people were rushing home and Minhyuk behaved as if nothing has happened. 

Moreover, it’s not even that Hyungwon was surprised by his demeanor. On the contrary, it would be weird if the older didn’t develop some sort of mental block considering what’s been going on since his childhood.

They stepped out of the elevator and Hyungwon fished his keys out.

“Are you going home?” Minhyuk asked the moment Hyungwon started for his door.

The younger stopped but didn’t hurry to turn around. It was a long and mentally draining day. He wasn’t in need of company. All he wanted was to be alone.

However, the moment he turned around and looked at the older he internally cringed. He didn’t know where the thought that contained nothing but selfishness came from. 

“I am sorry.” He heavily breathed out. 

“Oh, no worries.” Minhyuk waved his hands in the air. “You must be tired.” The older said in a quickened tempo while taking his keys out. 

Hyungwon learned it was one of Minhyuk’s traits whenever he was nervous.

“Minhyuk.” He ran a hand through his hair. 

How egocentrically of him would it be to leave the person he likes who is in need of both company and comport alone?! 

He must have been single for too long. He started to forget that he needs to take into consideration not only his but his lovers’ feelings as well.

“Shower.” He finally said. “I just need to take a shower, come in.” 

“Oh.” Hyungwon definitely heard a sigh of relief. “Umm but I need to put the food into the fridge so maybe I –“

By this time Hyungwon already had his door unlocked and open. “Let’s do it this way.” The taller took the keys out of the lock.

“You do what you need to do and come in whenever.” He made a couple of steps towards the older. He took his hand and put a set of keys in his palm. “Deal?” He squeezed out the smallest smile. 

“Deal.” Minhyuk grinned. 

“No monkey business like jumping over balconies anymore.” He said while walking towards his flat, letting his hand linger on the door. “Alright?” 

“Ya!” Minhyuk protested. “Who are you calling a - ?”

“I’ll see you later, Hyuk.” He said while stepping in.

Thirty minutes later Minhyuk was sitting on Hyungwon’s couch. He managed to both put the food away and take a quick shower before coming but Hyungwon didn’t seem to be as nearly done judging by the humming and music blustering from the bathroom. 

He let his eyes roam. It was pretty empty except for the walls. Minhyuk wasn’t sure he knew anyone who would hang legit pictures on the walls these days. Posters, doodles, and art were common but pictures? 

He stood up and came closer to the first one that caught his eye. It was Hyungwon, Hyunwoo, and Hoseok sitting on the couch. It had to be at least a couple of years old judging by Hoseok’s slim build. 

Then, he took time to observe a picture of nature. He wasn’t sure where exactly it was. It was probably somewhere near Gwangju. 

An unfamiliar figure caught his attention next. Hyungwon looked even younger and so did the guy he was hugging. Both of them had black, slightly unruly hair. 

It’s not that they looked very alike but they were mirroring each other’s smiles and the camera was able to catch it. It almost looked like they shared a secret only they and nobody else knew about it. 

“Yujun?” Minhyuk unconsciously bit his lower lip. “But who would hang their exes on the walls? Unless – “ Minhyuk shook his head. 

“Stop it.” He muttered to himself while turning around and walking to where Hyungwon’s play station was.

* * *

Hyungwon stepped out of the bathroom, a towel was draped around his neck. He went straight to the kitchen to get himself a beer and it was at that moment when he heard muffled grunting. 

“Minhyuk?” He said before taking a sip.

“Yeah.”

He walked into the living room. The older was sitting on the floor, smashing the buttons of the joystick. 

“You won’t get past me.” He said in frustration, moving the top heatedly. 

The taller smiled while walking over to Minhyuk, leaning over and wrapping his arms around him.

“D-don’t, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk said harshly. “Oh shit.” 

“Okay.” But despite the said words, he pulled the material of his long sleeve tee, looking at the bite mark. “Does it hurt?” He traced it gently.

“No. Argh, you fucker you aren't going anywhere!” 

Hyungwon snorted. “You are so impatient.” His fingers were brushing over the mark but soon they were replaced by his lips.

Minhyuk flinched but the next moment he was yelling again. “I won’t have a good night's sleep if I don’t get to win.” 

“Yeah.” His wet lips moved a couple more times before Hyungwon pulled back. He fixed the elder’s clothes and stood up, moving to the couch next.

“Fuck yeah.” Minhyuk breathed out while falling on his back. 

“Well done.” 

The older looked at Hyungwon. He was curled on the couch, staring at his phone.

“What do you want to do?” Minhyuk was still looking at him upside down. 

Hyungwon’s eyes flickered towards the clock. “It’s almost time for Itaewon Class, do you keep up with the series?” 

“Itaewon Class?” He sat up. “No, but I am damn sure Jooheon does.”

“Oh. Well, we can watch something else.” He reached for his beer. 

Minhyuk leaped to his feet, falling heavily on a couch next to the younger a moment later. 

“Are you - ?” He reached for Hyungwon’s right earring that started to dangle between Minhyuk’s fingers. “ – not going to ask me anything?”

It was a moment before Hyungwon answered. “I assumed you would tell me whenever you feel like it.” 

Another pause. “But there is one thing I want you to promise.” He turned his head and locked his eyes on the older. 

“What is it?” 

“Don’t hide things that have a direct effect on our relationship.” He narrowed his eyes.

Minhyuk laughed. “What is that supposed to mean?” 

Hyungwon’s expression didn’t change. His gaze on Minhyuk’s was steady, intense. The older closed his mouth, loudly swallowing. 

“Urmm.” He cleared his throat while looking away and settling his gaze somewhere in front of him. “Don’t you think I am weird?” 

“Weird? No.”

“Well, I do feel like there is something wrong with me.” 

“Who says so?”

“Me.”

“You are perfectly fine, Minhyuk.” 

“Hyungwon, you can’t be serious.” He whipped his head to the left. He realized the younger didn’t move an inch. 

“Didn’t you get a stomach ache by watching the shit show just a while ago?” He huffed, turning away again. 

Hyungwon hummed. “You have a loving mom.”

“Bastard of a father, weak but loving mother and a freak of a son. The Addam’s family has it better.”

“Well – “ Hyungwon leaned over to whisper into Minhyuk’s ear. “Freaks are just my type.”

“Hey!” Minhyuk covered his ear, looking at the younger. 

He watched Hyungwon returning to his original position. “The advantage of being a freak is that it makes you stronger, Minhyuk. What is considered normal anyway?” 

The older bit his lower lip. 

“However, I am not quite sure how he figured it out.” Hyungwon said quietly. “He did mention that you don’t usually bring people home but was it that big of a clue?”

Minhyuk grunted while shaking his head. “He is a detective, Hyungwon. The most disappointing thing is that he has always been good at his job. His intuition is exceptional.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon uttered. “So – “ Hyungwon breathed in. “ –did you want him to find out?”

He watched the older bite on his lip even harder. “I am not sure, partially? I just didn’t want to be the three of us. I am fine to see my mom whenever but him – “ 

“What about your mother? Will she be fine? She must be freaking out her only son is into guys.” 

Hyungwon finally looked away, leaning his head against the back of the couch. 

“I told you before, she never speaks her mind. I will call her in a couple of days and she will never bring up the dinner. She has been like this since forever.”

“She asked for my number.”

“She did?” Minhyuk asked, baffled. “Well, that’s new. Did you give it to her?” 

Hyungwon nodded.

There was a brief pause. “You didn’t have to.”

“I know. I didn’t want to give it either but then I changed my mind.”

“Why?” 

“It was loud and clear that she asked for it because of you. I doubt she would do it if she felt repulsive towards me. And then – “ He took a deep breath. 

“How often do you see each other?” 

“How often? I dunno, a couple of times a month? “

“But you don’t share too much info with her, do you?”

“No.” The older said curtly. 

“I see.”

“What do you see?” Minhyuk climbed on top of the younger, wrapping his hands around Hyungwon’s shoulders. 

Hyungwon forced himself to look at the other. “Minhyuk – “

“Yes?” He brought his mouth to Hyungwon’s neck and started to leave wet kisses all over it, leisurely making its way towards the shoulder. 

Minhyuk started out slowly, getting bolder as time was passing by. A tingly feeling rushed through Hyungwon’s veins like an electroshock. 

“Let’s go to bed.” Hyungwon said barely above the whisper.

“What will happen there?” 

“We will just have to see, won’t we?” Hyungwon chuckled, pressing his hand to Minhyuk’s back.

* * *

They made love. Hyungwon chose this romantic, chaste definition not out of decency but because it was the most fitting description. 

Minhyuk’s mouth was close to Hyungwon’s ear while younger’s fingers were running teasingly all over his body. 

He held the other with incredible carefulness and gentleness. With appropriate intervals, he would raise himself up in order to kiss the older, thread their fingers, and squeeze their hands tighter just to make sure it wasn’t just a dream. 

Everything Hyungwon did was slow, painfully slow with feather-like touches. He recognized Minhyuk’s impatience but that’s how he wanted it to be. 

It took all of his will and self –control from just giving in to lust and entering the other. Instead, he took care of the older, measuring the pace and waiting for the right moment.

And when it finally came it was nothing but a powerful and overwhelming sensation. Both of them were letting out, quiet drawn-out moans while Hyungwon buried his face into shower gel smelling skin of Minhyuk’s neck. 

They were feeling themselves as he continued to push into him, rocking him back and force while mumbling, whispering something sweet yet idiotic right into Minhyuk’s ear.

Later, much later as the heavy breathing faded and the stillness of the night finally took over, Minhyuk was lying on his back, wondering for the first time in his life if he could truly and genuinely love someone. When he fell asleep, he was pretty sure Hyungwon’s mouth was still touching his neck.


	31. Wednesday

**Sixteenth of December, 4:01 PM**

Hyungwon was sitting with his hands resting on the table, looking outside the window, mind oddly blank. He half – forgot where he was and what he was doing when someone nudged him in the ribs. He turned to gape at the intruder of his peace. 

Sanghyuk was sitting next to him. His gaze was switching between Hyungwon’s eyes and his perfectly vacant notebook. 

“Dude, get your head out of the clouds.” He whispered. 

Hyungwon grunted and bared his wrist in order to check his watch. 

“That’s it for today, I’ll see you next year.” It catches Hyungwon’s attention as he whips his head towards the graying man in his 40s. 

“Oh.” He blinks before standing up. “I didn’t even realize it’s the last lecture.” He throws the notebook and a pen inside his backpack. 

“We are fucked.” Sanghyuk dramatically sighs. “Do you have any classes left?” 

“No, it’s my last one for today.”

“Wanna grab some food?” The other starts walking away.

Hyungwon is about to agree when his phone vibrates. He pulls it out, a short _hello, how are you doing?_ is staring back at him. 

He is not sure what he is supposed to do so he immediately dials the number of a sender. 

“Hello, Mrs. Lee?” He says while catching up with Sanghyuk. They walk out of the auditorium and straight towards the staircase.

“Did something happen?” He leaps over two stairs at a time. “No, I just finished. I am free.” 

Sanghyuk stops and Hyungwon does the same. 

“Okay, I’ll see you.” He hangs up and greets a guy he knows through Sanghyuk – Wonsik.

“I suppose you aren’t joining us.” Sanghyuk says. 

“Yeah, sorry.” 

“No worries. Are you coming to Thirsty Thursday?” 

Hyungwon mulls something for a moment. “Who is the host this time?”

“Jiyong.” Wonsik replies. 

Hyungwon nods. “I think I am.”

“Cool.”

“I’ll see you later, guys.” He waves before turning around and making his way outside.

Not even fifteen minutes later a car pulls to the gates of the university.

“Hyungwon.” Mrs. Lee yells from the driver’s seat. 

Hyungwon detaches himself from the wall and pockets his phone. He politely nods in front of the car before heavily falling into a front passenger seat. 

“You look different today.” She smiles while reversing.

And it only then that it strikes Hyungwon. His hair is messily tied into a bun on the crown of his head. He was wearing his beat-up vans paired with baggy black pants and a puffy jacket. He swallows the embarrassment down and asks instead.

“Why did you want to see me?”

“I was in the hospital nearby and involuntarily thought of you.”

“Are you sick?” He asks, shocked.

“No.” She shakes her head. “Not me. Are you hungry?” She glances at the rearview.

“A little?” It comes as a question. 

“Good.” She nods while changing into the right lane.

They don’t speak until they reach the restaurant Hyungwon has never been to before.

Mrs. Lee parks the car and both of them step out. She quickly makes her way towards the restaurant, Hyungwon in tow. It is empty except for a senior couple that is cooped at the very end by the window. 

“Take a seat.” She says while disappearing somewhere.

The second wave of meltdown floods over Hyungwon. He is thinking how is it possible he agreed to meet his boyfriend’s mother looking like a bum when someone brings him back to reality. 

It’s a waitress. She gives Hyungwon a menu, staring down at him.

“Thank you.” He accepts it.

“Dea.” Mrs. Lee calls out and the waitress turns around. 

“Aunty.” She says cheerfully while walking towards her. 

“Did you grow even taller?” She runs a hand through the girl’s hair. 

Hyungwon is at the sea. He quizzically observes the situation. Another lady appears from the back. Mrs. Lee whispers something and all three of them look his way. Hyungwon decides he has never been so interested in a menu more than now. 

After another moment or two, all three of them walk to the table.

“Hyungwon.” Mrs. Lee says.

He whips his head up and wonders what the fuck is going on.

“Yes.” He stands up faster than he anticipates, nearly knocking over the chair.

The waitress chuckles. She is young. Hyungwon guesses she probably hasn’t graduated from high school yet. 

“Hyungwon, this is Chohee.” She points at the lady that is close to Mrs. Lee’s age. “She is my sister.” 

“Oh.” Hyungwon says. It’s all he can say as he bows down respectfully. 

“Nice to meet you.” The lady smiles. 

“Me too.” He croaks. 

“And this is Dea.” She points at the high schooler. “Her daughter.”

“Nice to meet you.” The girl offers her hand.

Hyungwon, on the verge of snorting, shakes it. “Likewise.” 

“And this is Hyungwon.” Mrs. Lee says while looking at her sister. 

“Uhh I am – “ Hyungwon is not sure what he is supposed to say.

“He is Minhyuk’s boyfriend.” Mrs. Lee deadpans and Hyungwon’s already pale complexion becomes borderline translucent. 

He blinks while dragging the heel of a hand down his face. What in the hell is going on?

“I didn’t know Minnyuga is gay.” Dea turns to look at Hyungwon. Her facial expression doesn’t change except for a second curious look she is giving Hyungwon.

“Bi.” Hyungwon whispers. 

The girl nods. “Uncle must be furious.” 

“Dea.” Her mother smacks her on the back.

“What for?” The girl turns around. There is a particular whiny sound that comes out. Hyungwon thinks he has heard it before. 

“Anyway – “ Dea’s mother says. “ – do you like seafood, Hyungwon? We have gochujang shrimp on the menu today.”

“I love it.” He half mumbles while cracking a smile.

“So you do have an appetite.” Mrs. Lee says when the food is on the table and it’s only two of them.

“Ah.” Hyungwon looks up, a spoonful of rice behind his right cheek. “I haven't had lunch yet.” 

Minhyuk’s mother only smiles. “I suppose you are surprised I brought you here.” 

Hyungwon swallows. Yes, yes he is. He knows Minhyuk has a full day packed with classes but something is telling him she didn’t even try to contact him. Now that he thinks about it, was it okay to accept her invitation without informing Minhyuk? He isn’t doing anything wrong but – 

“Yes.” Hyungwon softly says. 

“Do you have any plans for Christmas?”

Huh? “What?” He blinks.

“Minhyuk has been avoiding family holidays for a couple of years now. I don’t think it’s going to be any different this time.” She is smiling but it’s not reaching her eyes. “I was wondering if you are going to spend it together.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon utters. “We haven’t talked about it yet but I am going back to Gwangju at the end of the week.” 

It’s quiet for a while. “I see.” She says thoughtfully. 

“I mean -” Hyungwon clears his throat. “I wouldn’t mind taking him with me if that’s fine with you and him.” 

Mrs. Lee is silent but then she looks up and nods. “What about your parents?”

“They wouldn’t mind.” Hyungwon waves chopsticks in the air. 

“Another friend of mine is coming with me. My mom is very chill.” He bites on his tongue as soon as the words leave his mouth. Did he really just say _chill_ in front of his boyfriend’s mother?

She laughs. It’s a quiet but genuine one.

“I am sorry for intrusting Minhyukkie to you.” Mrs. Lee says when she drops Hyungwon off next to the apartment complex. 

“It’s not like that.” Both of them stand next to the car. Mrs. Lee is looking up at the apartments. 

“How is he doing?” She asks again. 

Hyungwon has heard this question before but he didn’t get to answer it last time.

What is he supposed to say? Ten out of ten, would bang? A slight correction, already banged? No, that’s not something that should be said out loud under any circumstances. 

Hyungwon sighs and grips his keys inside his pocket. What does she expect to hear in the first place? 

“Minhyuk is a very bright and outgoing person.” He starts. “He talks a lot and he is capable of dispositioning people towards himself but I guess you already know it.” 

She looks directly at Hyungwon who is looking idly through her. 

“However if you ask me he likes to keep to himself. He is normally confident but sometimes I catch him hesitant to speak his mind. Or he has that distant look in his eyes -” He fixes his gaze on Mrs. Lee. “As though his mind is preoccupied with something important elsewhere. I suppose his biggest insecurity is his family. He loves you a lot, Mrs. Lee. Minhyuk is not a kid anymore. Things like _you are too young to understand_ don’t cut it anymore.” 

To Hyungwon’s utter surprise and horror she started crying. She held her head in her hands and started to sob. All Hyungwon could do is to walk around the car and wrap his hands around her. It broke his heart just a little. 

When she was done crying Hyungwon offered her a napkin. She said neither _sorry_ nor _thank you_ which was a great relief.

* * *

It’s a little after 8 PM when Hyungwon flops on the couch, one hand is leisurely drying his wet hair while the other is typing a message.

_Are you coming tonight?_

He throws the phone next to him and turns on the TV. Not even a minute later it vibrates.

_I am in the library. I have a group project, we want to have some work done before the end of the year._

_When is the deadline?_

_10th._

_What's the rush?_

_Most of them leave for holidays._

_Give me a call when you are done. We need to talk._

For the first time, Hyungwon is left on read. He stares at his phone, the dots keep appearing and disappearing for a while but then a lengthy message comes his way.

_The last time you said this exact sentence it ended pretty badly for us. You’re making me nervous. Is it something serious?_

Hyungwon snorts. _No. Not at all._

_K._

It’s almost 10 PM and Hyungwon is getting bored. The movie he had high hopes for turned out to be a bummer. He is contemplating to go out for a smoke when there is a knock at the door. He quickly checks his phone in case he missed Minhyuk’s calls but there are none. 

He heaves himself off the couch and shuffles out to open the door. Hyungwon openly stares at the guy in front of him. It’s quiet. His eyes are trained on one specific spot of Kihyun’s eyes. 

“Can I come in?” The guy finally breaks the silence.


	32. Eclipse

**Sixteenth of December, 9:53 PM**

“Can I come in?” The guy finally broke the silence. 

“Kihyun.” 

The shorter guy stood with an orange suitcase by his feet, his breath was heavy and frigid.

“What are you doing here?” Hyungwon continued to stare down at the older. 

Kihyun started to fidget. “Sorry, I know I should have called.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I definitely should have called.” 

“No, it’s alright.” Hyungwon scooted aside and opened the door wide open. 

The older quietly walked in, dragging his luggage closely behind.

“Are you alone?” He asked when Hyungwon closed the door behind him.

“Yeah, come in.” He shifted the suitcase against the wall, making his way towards the kitchen. “Are you hungry?” 

Kihyun took his time to take his shoes and jacket off. Next, he went to find Hyungwon. The taller was rummaging through his fridge, moving things from one side to another on one of the shelves. 

“It’s futile.” The taller mumbled to himself as he slammed it shut. He turned around and looked at Kihyun. “I was considering ordering anyway.” He shrugged. 

Kihyun tilted his head slightly to the right, taking Hyungwon’s features in. Then he smiled. 

“I brought a present.” He quickly walked out of the kitchen, only to reappear hardly 20 seconds later with a bottle of whiskey and a joint in his hands. 

“Hoseok rolled it for me.” Kihyun looked smug. 

Hyungwon snorted. “Sure, why not.”

* * *

Hyungwon found whiskey glasses and filled them with ice, walking towards the living room next, Kihyun in tow. 

“Oh.” Kihyun muttered and the younger knew exactly what he meant but just in case he looked over his shoulder. The shorter’s gaze was fixed on the wall. 

“Yeah.” Hyungwon said as he flopped on the sofa and put two glasses on the coffee table. Kihyun sat next to him, closer than the younger expected. 

“Wait, an ashtray.” The younger stood up, groaning while walking to find one. He also snatched one of the lighters that were lying on the kitchen table before making his way back, this time sitting slightly further from the older. 

“It’s nice in here.” Kihyun poured two shots worth of whiskey in each glass, shoving one towards Hyungwon. 

“Thanks.” He took a tiny sip of his drink.

Kihyun lit up a joint and handed it to Hyungwon. The younger accepted it and took a lungful, long drag before passing it back to the other.

“Woah.” The bitter taste of the weed made Hyungwon scrunch his nose. “That shit’s strong.”

“It should be.” Kihyun inhaled and then exhaled a stream of smoke. “Oh yeah, Hoseok didn’t lie.” He took a second to observe the joint before passing it back to Hyungwon.

It didn’t take them too long to finish the splif. Hyungwon was the last to take the drag, a cloud of gray smoke escaped his mouth before he put out the butt. 

“It’s been a while.” He loudly sighed, pleasantly buzzed. 

“For sure.” Kihyun snorted which was followed by laughter. 

“So – “ Hyungwon loudly yawned. “ – what happened?” 

“I developed an unknown to the science allergy to Hoseok’s dates.” Kihyun giggled.

Hyungwon’s nose crinkled as he frowned. “What?” There was a brief pause. “Did you get sexiled or something?” 

“Yeah.” The older leaned against the back of the couch and lazily smiled. “Spot on. I couldn’t take his one-night stands anymore, all the moaning and screeching.” He shuddered. “And then I had to pretend to care what their name is the morning after.”

“Huh.” Hyungwon muttered. “I didn’t know.” He reached for the bottle and refilled his glass. Then, he took one huge gulp and grimaced.

“Don’t overdo it with the liquor.” The older muttered while folding his arms behind his head.

Hyungwon curled like a cat on his end of the sofa while Kihyun sprawled like a dog on the other, his legs ended up on the younger’s lap.

“Aren’t you a little too comfortable?” Hyungwon heaved a heavy sigh. 

Kihyun looked up and studied him with narrowed eyes but then he fell back and chuckled. “We are as high as a kite but you are still as unapproachable as ever. Are you even a human?”

“Sometimes I ask myself if life is imitating me or it’s the other way around.” Hyungwon said mindlessly, maybe thoughtfully. Kihyun wasn’t sure.

“What does it even mean?” Kihyun loudly sighed. 

“I am hungry.” Hyungwon grabbed his phone off the coffee table. “What do you want to eat?” 

“Anything is fine unless it smells like a rotten fish.” 

“You still can’t stand strong odors?” Hyungwon snorted while unlocking his phone.

“And you still can’t stand me?” 

Hyungwon slightly turned his head in Kihyun’s direction. The older already had his eyes trained on the younger. 

“I –“

“You detest me.” 

“I – “ Hyungwon’s phone was left forgotten. He rubbed his eyes that were beginning to burn. “ – don’t hate you.” Next, he pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes.

In the excruciating pause that followed Kihyun enormously exhaled. However, he didn’t move. His legs stayed on the younger’s lap. 

“But you can’t forgive me.” Kihyun whispered.

There was no reaction.

“Hyungwon.” Kihyun said louder.

“Do you really have to?” Hyungwon muttered behind his palms.

“It was long overdue.” 

“Then – “ There was a short breath in between. “- what do you want from me?”

“Talk to me. I am tired of you pushing me away.” There was a barely audible sigh. “I figured if we get everything out of our systems we can go back to normal.”

“It sounds so simple when you say it like that.” Hyungwon put the hands on his knees, palms down over Kihyun’s ankles. Then, he turned to look at the older - a weary, foggy gaze.

“What – do – you – want – from – me?” Hyungwon spelled the words clearly yet faintly. He wasn’t smiling anymore. The relaxed state was gone and he seemed edgier than anything else. 

Kihyun stared. He looked straight at Hyungwon for a long time but then took his legs off the younger’s lap, sat bolt upright, and reached for his glass.

“I don’t feel guilty anymore, Hyungwon.” He said the moment his lips parted with the glass. 

Hyungwon said nothing. 

“I don’t know what to tell you. Really.” He sloshed the liquid inside his glass. Hyungwon’s eyes were trained on the action. 

“I spent a lot of time feeling all colors of blue but – “

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’ve never had a proper chance to talk with you how you feel about my brother's death.” He looked at Hyungwon sideways while the younger’s gaze was lingering on the glass. 

“Not before the funeral, not during, and not after. Not before you fled to Seoul or after I left Korea. And not even when you suddenly decided to enlist.” There was a pause. “ – or even during or after. Not until now.” He tiredly blinked.

“So tell me, Hyungwon. I can finally tell you that my past is past. That I can move on with my life. That I let go.” There was a pause. 

“Seeing you in a relationship makes me happy.” It came out a little louder than a whisper. 

Hyungwon cleared his throat. “You don’t get it, do you?” 

“I don’t. You look troubled. No, I know you are. You have to spell it out to me. I worry about you.”

The taller groaned and ran a hand through his hair chaotically. 

“What about me, Kihyun?” He slightly turned to his right to look in Kihyun’s direction but he wasn’t looking at him. He was looking right through him. “It was heavy.” 

“It’s only natural.”

“Kihyun – “ He then gazed at the older. “ – I killed your brother, what’s so natural about it?” His voice was deprived of emotions. 

“You did not.” The older straightened up. 

“Oh yes, I did.” Hyungwon grabbed his glass and emptied it in one go. Then, he reached for the bottle and poured more.

“If I wasn’t the selfish bastard I was – “ A pause. “ – probably still am, Yujun would be alive.” 

Kihyun heaved a heavy sigh. “Why do you have to take everything personally?”

“Personally?” Hyungwon raised his voice for the first time that evening. 

“Kihyun, personally? I was so absorbed in my-landia full of university parties and what else that I forgot that Yujun was slipping through my hands without me realizing it. I didn’t want to go home for Christmas because I was too busy doing fucking nothing.” 

“Hyungwon – “ 

“He was always there.” Hyungwon continued. “I thought he would be always there.”

The younger clenched his glass in his hand. “I’ve never been so wrong in my entire life.” He took another greedy gulp. This time his face stayed neutral. 

Kihyun scooted over, putting a hand on Hyungwon’s right shoulder that made the younger jump on the place. 

“You need to learn how to forgive yourself, Hyungwon.” Kihyun whispered. “I’ve made more mistakes than you did.”

Hyungwon started to shake his head but Kihyun took a stronger grasp on his shoulder. “You reek of self-loathing, Hyungwon.” 

“I thought it was weed.” The taller deadpanned. 

“The bigger the love, the deeper wounds.” The older mumbled. “You did everything right. You loved Yujun. I’ve always known it. Don’t let him turn into a ghost that haunts you. Don’t you like that redhead?”

At this Hyungwon whipped his head. He was like a deer caught in the headlights. “I loved him, Kihyun.” Hyungwon croaked. “He was my everything. And then he gave up on me, decided we were not worth saving.” 

He scrambled up with a glass in his hand. “Do you know the last words he ever said to me?” He was now standing by the window, overlooking the darkness that settled over the city.

“No.” Kihyun said. “You never told me.”

“Let’s stay friends.” Hyungwon laughed nastily. “But do you know what I _actually_ heard?”

“No.”

“Let’s stay nothing.”

Kihyun didn’t respond. He observed the younger swinging his drink, his left hand on the windowsill, him taking sips more often than not. 

“He decided our time was up - ” Hyungwon said after what it seemed like forever. “ – but I never knew.” 

“Hyungwon – “ Kihyun rubbed his hands together.

“Did he tell you he was insecure in our relationship?”

“No. Never.”

Hyungwon slightly nodded. “Do you know what Changkyun once said?” 

“About Yujun?” 

Hyungwon shook his head. “About Minhyuk.” 

“What?”

“That he is a lot like him.” Kihyun watched the other empty his glass. Next, he watched the younger stagger towards the bottle and pour more. After he was done he returned to his original place. Kihyun watched his slouched posture stare outside the window. 

“And he indeed is.” Hyungwon said after a while. 

“Do you love him?” 

“No.” 

“I see.”

“I’ve known him for hardly three months, Kihyun. I don’t believe you can love someone during such a short period of time.” 

“But you can fall in love, no.” Kihyun looked up at the ceiling, his voice hoarse. “You are in love with him, aren’t you?” His eyes fell back down at the taller.

Hyungwon stopped nursing his drink. Kihyun watched his eyebrows pinch tightly over the bridge of his nose. 

“Maybe. So tell me – “ Hyungwon’s eyes burned black as he dragged one hand across his face that fell to his side a moment later. 

He leaned against the windowsill. “ – how do I love a person who is exactly like Yujun? Who is as lively and lovable on the outside but as miserable on the inside?”

He took a deep breath. “How do I make someone happy? Someone who was destroyed by his own family? How do I properly love so he doesn't end at the bottom of the ravine because he is in a relationship with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. I hope y'all are doing good. ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／


End file.
